OP here. I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who shared advice and stories with me, particularly stories of dealing with alcoholic DHs or family members. They were tough for me to read, but I really needed a wake-up call. When I started this thread I mainly just wanted to vent, and deep down I hoped others would respond with "My husband drank throughout my IVF cycle, it's totally normal" or "My husband was a total lush but stopped drinking the moment our baby arrived." Thanks to everyone who gave me straight advice and real stories of drinking that went downhill, even though those stories are probably hard for you to share.

It is easy for me to rationalize my husband's drinking - "he's not drinking that much, he has a stressful job, he is competent and responsible at work and at home, I certainly love a good drink myself" - but the plain fact is that once he starts drinking he can't stop until he's drank himself to sleep, and I can't keep alcohol in the house because he'll drink it all. I just kept making excuses for him and pushing the deadline out - "he'll stop drinking when we do IUIs... strike that, he'll stop drinking when we do IVF, well crap... I'm sure he'll stop drinking after the baby is here." After reading your responses and stories, I now realize that it's very foolish and risky to think that he'll suddenly change after we have a baby.

We are taking your advice and are scheduled to start counseling next week. My husband thinks he can stop drinking without counseling but has agreed to see what the therapist says. We are putting further fertility treatments on the back-burner until we work through our issues and get on the same page about having a baby.

Thanks again for all of the good advice. I really needed to hear it.

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry you are going through this. However please seek counseling or Al-Anon. Also I think he is telling you that you have control over how much alcohol he buys and when but that he may not be completely honest. It seems like he is trying to trick you into thinking it isn't as bad and giving you the illusion of control... a classic sign of an alcoholic. They are expert liars and manipulators when it comes to drinking. I would also be worried about the mother son permission dynamic. You want a child, with that dynamic you already have one and it will only become more apparent with the stress of parenthood when you are the only adult in the household.

Yup. Was in a very similar situation to OP. Plowed forward with getting pregnant through IVF - was 38 and desperate for a child. My H lied to me everyday about his drinking (swore he wasn't drinking but was actually guzzling bourbon in secret and hiding empty bottles in the back of a basement closet) and I was in absolute denial about it. Fast forward three years and I have two children: my DS and my husband. It is really hard because my husband is as selfish and angry and miserable as you'd expect from man who A) wants to snuff his life out with alcohol and B) probably never wanted children to begin with ... but I got what I deserved.

Don't be me, OP.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. However please seek counseling or Al-Anon. Also I think he is telling you that you have control over how much alcohol he buys and when but that he may not be completely honest. It seems like he is trying to trick you into thinking it isn't as bad and giving you the illusion of control... a classic sign of an alcoholic. They are expert liars and manipulators when it comes to drinking. I would also be worried about the mother son permission dynamic. You want a child, with that dynamic you already have one and it will only become more apparent with the stress of parenthood when you are the only adult in the household.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread, and I am saying this as someone who has 3 or 4 drinks a year., tops. I have seen many other threads on here where pregnant women swear up and down that it is ok to drink "a little" while pregnant. In those situations, I cannot comprehend why they don't just stop completely. For some reason, they continue citing that just a little won't hurt. But in this case it is a guy who is being told to stop - and there isn't even a baby yet. I don't see (and he probably doesn't see) why it is such an issue that he stops. Honestly that morphology/ count etc does not sound like a drastic situation.

That said, there do seem to be some control issues at at here. And if he now says he does not or might not want kids back off the baby making.

He can't drink a little and stop. He finishes the alcohol and begs for more

+1 and he pouts when he can't have it. He clearly has a problem.

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread, and I am saying this as someone who has 3 or 4 drinks a year., tops. I have seen many other threads on here where pregnant women swear up and down that it is ok to drink "a little" while pregnant. In those situations, I cannot comprehend why they don't just stop completely. For some reason, they continue citing that just a little won't hurt. But in this case it is a guy who is being told to stop - and there isn't even a baby yet. I don't see (and he probably doesn't see) why it is such an issue that he stops. Honestly that morphology/ count etc does not sound like a drastic situation.

That said, there do seem to be some control issues at at here. And if he now says he does not or might not want kids back off the baby making.

He can't drink a little and stop. He finishes the alcohol and begs for more

Been following this thread. OP, I am sorry you're going through this. So much of it is sounding familiar to me. While DH and I did not have MFI, so our fertility issues couldn't easily be linked to his alcohol consumption, his drinking became more and more problematic during my pregnancy and after the birth of our son. I'm sure if I'd asked him to abstain during our cycles he would've pouted too. My DH had a similar pattern of feeling compelled to polish off whatever bottle he'd opened up. I think what's confusing about alcohol abuse is that our social circle, at least, normalized heavy drinking. So DH didn't seem like he was drinking that much more than others in our group of friends. Plus, he has a job that encourages happy hour-type schmoozing. I thnk we fooled ourselves into thinking that because he wasn't all Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas that his drinking wasn't a problem.

The stress of several huge life changes (having a child, losing his mom, starting a new and high-stress job) kind of tipped things over the edge and pushed him into the realm of problem drinking. We're going through couples counseling now and the whole thing just sucks, and I feel terrible that we are spending these fleeting years of our son's toddlerhood dealing with these issues. I'd urge you to do your best to sort this out with him now. Couples counseling may help, although IME be prepared for him to feel like he's on the defensive. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who told you drinking has affected his fertility, OP? I know many major drinkers who had kids without issue.

It's in the title of the thread.

Where does it say who told them this was causing his issues?

First the very first paragraph of the very first post on page 1 by OP. It's right there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who told you drinking has affected his fertility, OP? I know many major drinkers who had kids without issue.

It's in the title of the thread.

Where does it say who told them this was causing his issues?

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread, and I am saying this as someone who has 3 or 4 drinks a year., tops. I have seen many other threads on here where pregnant women swear up and down that it is ok to drink "a little" while pregnant. In those situations, I cannot comprehend why they don't just stop completely. For some reason, they continue citing that just a little won't hurt. But in this case it is a guy who is being told to stop - and there isn't even a baby yet.

You don't see the difference between having a drink or two during a nine month period versus drinking so much that it affects sperm quality?

This is a weird thread, and I am saying this as someone who has 3 or 4 drinks a year., tops. I have seen many other threads on here where pregnant women swear up and down that it is ok to drink "a little" while pregnant. In those situations, I cannot comprehend why they don't just stop completely. For some reason, they continue citing that just a little won't hurt. But in this case it is a guy who is being told to stop - and there isn't even a baby yet. I don't see (and he probably doesn't see) why it is such an issue that he stops. Honestly that morphology/ count etc does not sound like a drastic situation.

That said, there do seem to be some control issues at at here. And if he now says he does not or might not want kids back off the baby making.

Anonymous wrote:Who told you drinking has affected his fertility, OP? I know many major drinkers who had kids without issue.

It's in the title of the thread.

Who told you drinking has affected his fertility, OP? I know many major drinkers who had kids without issue.

If OP's DH is drinking enough so that it is affecting him physically (his morphology/sperm count), he's drinking too much.

OP, please please please do not have a child with this man. Your baby deserves so much more in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably this guy drank once a week before Op married him, right? What has changed is now the Op wants to have a baby and her husband seems less than sure that he wants a child.

They need to focus in on the parenting issue first and what Op expects from her husband as a parent. And, no, Op can not expect that her husband will give up beer just because he is a parent. Nor can Op assume that her husband will love parenting just because he gave up beer.

This is THEIR relationship and they need to come at this 50/50 or I predict that things will go downhill for them in a hurry.

The OP was clear that the drinking has gotten worse as they've gotten older, he drinks to drunkenness, he is unable to stop drinking until all available alcohol is gone, and that he is literally begging her for permission to drink after begins an agreed-upon period of sobriety. I think the parenting issue is secondary to the alcohol problem.

Good luck, OP. I ran with a crowd of binge drinkers for a long time, and it was difficult to tease apart what was normal for us versus problem drinking. But it seems very clear that your husband is wrestling with problem drinking. Hopefully he has not done too much damage to his health and he can address any underlying issues (ADHD and depression are common ones, mentioned earlier).

Good luck, and hugs to you. You sound like a wonderful wife.

Op needs to figure out which version of her husband's drinking is real - does he drink once a week and is simply (very) reluctant to become a dad or is his drinking completely out of control to the point where he is making himself infertile.

Either way, Op has a pretty significant issue to deal with. This is not a good time to be having a baby with this man.

Anonymous wrote:Why are people saying a guy who drinks one night a week is an alcoholic? I genuinely don't understand that.

OP backtracked to one night a week from her original posts. Her husband drinks to excess regularly and doesn't think he has a problem.