Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so depressing. Contracts, needs..I was so in love with my husband and could f"@?k his brains out day and night. Now, 13 years later, the thought of touching me makes my skin crawl.

What part, if any, did you play in bringing the marriage to that place?

Why did you let it get to this point? Get therapy, find out why you don't enjoy sex anymore. Maybe, fake it 'til you make it.

Anonymous wrote:

No, I don't. I think it is the root of a lot of marriage problems. People expect their spouses to make them happy. Everyone needs to make themselves happy.

Yet your spouse has to make you happy by making sure that she is receptive to sex at least 3X a week...

Good try, but I'm the DW, but if we both enjoy sex then we both enjoy having sex regularly which we do about 2-3 times a week. My point is, it shouldn't be forced or receptive to, it should be looked forward to.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so depressing. Contracts, needs..I was so in love with my husband and could f"@?k his brains out day and night. Now, 13 years later, the thought of touching me makes my skin crawl.

What part, if any, did you play in bringing the marriage to that place?

This thread is so depressing. Contracts, needs..I was so in love with my husband and could f"@?k his brains out day and night. Now, 13 years later, the thought of touching me makes my skin crawl.

Anonymous wrote:

No, I don't. I think it is the root of a lot of marriage problems. People expect their spouses to make them happy. Everyone needs to make themselves happy.

Yet your spouse has to make you happy by making sure that she is receptive to sex at least 3X a week...

NP here, but no that's not it at all. I know what makes me happy, and that is being sexually connected to my SO. If that isn't happening, it's a problem I try to resolve and work on. If they do nothing to resolve or work on the problem I can't make them, but of course their inaction contributes to my unhappiness. So then then the decision of how long I'm willing to not be fulfilled needs to be made.

No, I don't. I think it is the root of a lot of marriage problems. People expect their spouses to make them happy. Everyone needs to make themselves happy.

Yet your spouse has to make you happy by making sure that she is receptive to sex at least 3X a week...

Anonymous wrote:

. You need to be in charge of your own happiness

Can you not see the irony of this statement.

No, I don't. I think it is the root of a lot of marriage problems. People expect their spouses to make them happy. Everyone needs to make themselves happy.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

http://thefederalist.com/2015/02/12/bring-consummation-back-into-sex/

Anonymous wrote:

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

I find this so depressing. Marriage is a contract where sex is owed?

Yes. This is why an unconsummated marriage can be annulled, wiped off the records like it never happened; sex is an expectation in the marriage contract.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

Sex is a want, not a need, like shelter and clothing are wants, not needs.

. You need to be in charge of your own happiness

Can you not see the irony of this statement.

Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you hear yourself? You are depressed at the idea that marriage assumes a healthy sex life? Maybe you are right. You are depressed. Get help.

Do you hear yourself? "F@#k your feelings and the fact that I can't get you aroused. F@#k me anyway, because that's obviously YOUR problem, abnormal one. "

Oh, ok there's your problem. You need to be in charge of your own happiness. Touch yourself, tell him what you want, show him what you want, have a glass of wine, buy toys, own it. You can't use the excuse that it is his responsibility to get you aroused. You are an adult. Act like it.

+1

1. It's a problem. (Unless it's not - if your spouse is also uninterested in sex, then ignore all of this, you guys should be delighted to find someone compatible.)
2. The problem needs to be addressed.
3. It's atypical to not be aroused. It's not morally "bad" or anything. Just not the way human bodies and minds normally work.
4. When looking at ways to solve a problem, it's more reasonable to look to make the atypical typical to solve the problem instead of looking to make the typical atypical. In other words, the person without a sex drive is probably the one who is going to be expected to change more.
5. At the end of the day, you'll have to see if you can both change enough to reasonably accommodate the other and if you can live with the result. If not, then there shouldn't be any shame in splitting up.

The asexual spouse isn't bad, just different and potentially incompatible with the sexual spouse. Just importantly, the sexual spouse isn't frivolous to want a sexual relationship and shouldn't be made to feel that he or she is being selfish or that his or her needs are unimportant. That said, sometimes sex just isn't going to be possible in the marriage, and the partners will have to weigh the pros and cons of some unpleasant options at that point.

Anonymous wrote:

Do you hear yourself? You are depressed at the idea that marriage assumes a healthy sex life? Maybe you are right. You are depressed. Get help.

Do you hear yourself? "F@#k your feelings and the fact that I can't get you aroused. F@#k me anyway, because that's obviously YOUR problem, abnormal one. "

Get yourself aroused, dingbat, or take steps to tell your partner exactly what arouses you. If you don't know what arouses you, how could your partner possibly know?