Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:53     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is really too old now anyone, so good call. Enjoy your lazy brunches!


I'm on the fence about having kids and posts like this make me wonder. There seem to be a lot of aggressive and rude posts slamming childless couples which makes me think they are unhappy with their own life. If you are happy with your life you simply do not post comments like that of the PP.


+1000 (I am the poster above you, and although I have a child, I just don't get everyone else bashing people who don't, CRAZY)


It reminds me how my married acquaintances would try and talk me into getting married. They must feel insecure if someone else isn't following the same path they are? I am now married and love my husband. However, I would also enjoy life even if I had never married. Same with having kids, which we haven't done yet.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:51     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:It's different when it's your own kids. No question it's a lot of work but also big rewards. I've got two in college now so have been through all the phases.


Agreed. It is hard, but it's not as soup sucking as it seems to outsiders (I think!). I only have one 6 yo, but when I watch other people's kids it's not the same. There's a certain kind of connection/knowledge sharing between your own child(ren) and you that makes it a bit less stressful than watching a new kid. Still, you sound confident in your choice, and more power to you!
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:49     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is really too old now anyone, so good call. Enjoy your lazy brunches!


I'm on the fence about having kids and posts like this make me wonder. There seem to be a lot of aggressive and rude posts slamming childless couples which makes me think they are unhappy with their own life. If you are happy with your life you simply do not post comments like that of the PP.


+1000 (I am the poster above you, and although I have a child, I just don't get everyone else bashing people who don't, CRAZY)
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:49     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:I am finding how much people care about this person having children or not having children amusing! I think some of you forgot to take your medication!?! I don’t really understand why people care or not if someone is going to have children and if they chose not to they are somehow less? This person's decision has NO bearing at all on anyone’s life, except for their own. Maybe some of you are religious and feel you have some duty to procreate and that is where the negativity is coming from? It is clear from this thread why so many people feel they HAVE to have children so that they are not ostracized. Shame on you!

Also, as a side note I agree w/ the people talking about the multiple threads on this site about "how hard raising little ones is" and the breakdown of the family unit. I guess some of you are choosing to forget about those DAILY threads.

I think it’s commendable that this couple is making a decision based on what works for THEM! I am a parent myself and I certainly don't sit around preaching about how I am so much better than childless people or even that I am more fulfilled. What I find fulfilling is not what others find fulfilling and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, to whomever stated that the human race might die off, you clearly have not read anything about how the world is completely over populated and the world resources can’t keep up with the population. Also, this could be another thread, but I feel it’s environmentally irresponsible for people to have very large families, and I only make the comment because this IS a decision that does have some barring on my children/grandchildren. Thank you OP for not adding to the over populated world or having children that you may resent.


They care because they want everyone to have kids and be as poor, tired and unhappy as they are? That is the only reason I can think of.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:47     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is really too old now anyone, so good call. Enjoy your lazy brunches!


I'm on the fence about having kids and posts like this make me wonder. There seem to be a lot of aggressive and rude posts slamming childless couples which makes me think they are unhappy with their own life. If you are happy with your life you simply do not post comments like that of the PP.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:46     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
I am finding how much people care about this person having children or not having children amusing! I think some of you forgot to take your medication!?! I don’t really understand why people care or not if someone is going to have children and if they chose not to they are somehow less? This person's decision has NO bearing at all on anyone’s life, except for their own. Maybe some of you are religious and feel you have some duty to procreate and that is where the negativity is coming from? It is clear from this thread why so many people feel they HAVE to have children so that they are not ostracized. Shame on you!

Also, as a side note I agree w/ the people talking about the multiple threads on this site about "how hard raising little ones is" and the breakdown of the family unit. I guess some of you are choosing to forget about those DAILY threads.

I think it’s commendable that this couple is making a decision based on what works for THEM! I am a parent myself and I certainly don't sit around preaching about how I am so much better than childless people or even that I am more fulfilled. What I find fulfilling is not what others find fulfilling and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, to whomever stated that the human race might die off, you clearly have not read anything about how the world is completely over populated and the world resources can’t keep up with the population. Also, this could be another thread, but I feel it’s environmentally irresponsible for people to have very large families, and I only make the comment because this IS a decision that does have some barring on my children/grandchildren. Thank you OP for not adding to the over populated world or having children that you may resent.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:37     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is really too old now anyone, so good call. Enjoy your lazy brunches!


Don't forget about the travelling, spontaneous hot sex and happy marriage.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:25     Subject: Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.


OP The only person you have convince is yourself. Your DH being 45 and you don't have kids yet speaks a lot to me. There are practical issues also. My kids are 17 & 19 and both very ill this last week. I am 63. It is hard to describe the exhaustion of this -- you are still a parent when they get older. Mine both got better now, but the grind is MUCH harder when you get older, not matter what anyone on DCUM says.


Better to grind away on parenting in your 40s than try to party as empty nesters at that age. You really can't party at 45 like you could at 25.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:22     Subject: Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:But if everyone took this approach, the human race would end. Getting through those tough early years is a necessary evil that the majority of us should be going through.





Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:20     Subject: Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.


OP, married mother of two here - a preschooler and a baby. I love my children but good for you knowing what you like and sticking to it. The thing is, the things you list are not mandatory side-effects (some people don't mind mess; can afford kids easily; have enough energy/sex drive to have time and desire for their spouse at the end of the day) and also you've been thrown from nothing into full-time with no preparation (9 months of pregnancy; months where the baby can't even roll over).

As someone who loved spontaneous trips, theater and almost daily dinner out, you do have to curtail those sorts of things at the very least. But by the time we had our first, we were together for a decade and found ourselves more focused on kids and less on trips (only so many you can take before it becomes humdrum). It would not have helped us to mind someone else's kids either because I have zero interest in any children but my own.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:16     Subject: Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.


OP The only person you have convince is yourself. Your DH being 45 and you don't have kids yet speaks a lot to me. There are practical issues also. My kids are 17 & 19 and both very ill this last week. I am 63. It is hard to describe the exhaustion of this -- you are still a parent when they get older. Mine both got better now, but the grind is MUCH harder when you get older, not matter what anyone on DCUM says.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 13:13     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Your DH is really too old now anyone, so good call. Enjoy your lazy brunches!
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 12:49     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
I think OP's choice is valid and for good enough reasons (especially since OP said she was 85% opposed anyway).

That being said, this isn't applicable to everyone, as all the other PP are saying. Not only do you get to raise your kids however the eff you want (thereby instilling in them a "don't ever touch this white suede couch ever" mentality -- which is possible if you put enough work into such training.. I never would because I don't care and can't afford nice things anyway) but I know lots of people who only like their own kids. I hate messes, muck, boogers, drool, etc, but those things really don't bother me that much when they're being produced by someone in my family.

AND, when they're not your own kids, you miss out on all the fun things about having your own kids -- the inside jokes, the funny stories that only your little unit understands, the code words, the traditions, the routines. So, medium-term babysitting is actually harder for a bunch of reasons, because you don't have the positive side-effects that come from being able to "customize" your family.

It's sort of like... I love my MIL and in many ways she's closer to my family than my own mother, but when push comes to shove, it's my mom who I am more inclined to miss.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 12:39     Subject: Re:Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
I feel the same way about pets..Not scheduling my life around a dog
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2015 12:20     Subject: Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.


but OP, this is like if you didn't exercise and then ran a 10K one day. you'd be saying "wow that was hard! I had to stop to walk all the time and now I am super sore and can barely move. Running is so hard." Well, ok, but you came it at pretty differently than everyone else out there did, so your experience is not exactly comparable. Of course if I take a day in my current life and compare it to a day from my pre-kid life it looks vastly different. But I didn't get there overnight, as you are advocating. Is it harder to keep a clean house and keep a relationship with your husband and maintain your energy level? of course. but you get a lot of practice by the time you have kids as old as the ones you watched.


Seriously? There are thousands of posts on DCUM from parents complaining about every single thing on that list.
Hard is hard. Doesn't matter when you come into it.


I think you are forgetting a lot about the acclimation process. And since when is "volume of posts on DCUM" a valid measure of a phenomenon?


I must be wrong. I mistook thousands of posts about the trials and tribulations of childrearing to be a representation of how people feel about it.
I addressed the acclimation process. The things on that list will be equally as sucky no matter what point you're at in the process.


what is it with the reading comprehension around here today? I'm just going to ignore the post above yours because that pp really cannot read. but as for you, go back to my original analogy to exercise. a 10k is going to be challenging for anyone to run because running long distances is inherently hard. But the difficulties faced by an out of shape person are different from those faced by an in-shape person who is prepared, and most parents who are parenting young kids are better prepared than OP was.

I disagree with "equally as sucky" because as a pp said, when your house is messy because you choose to be with your kids instead of clean, it's really not the same as when kids you know come over and mess up your house and you have to clean it up. Almost nobody posting about their messy house or shitty couch or even damaged marriage is saying "I wish I'd never had kids" about it. Surprisingly few people say that, not only because of taboos, but because this is a site where people complain and vent and when they do they're not presenting the full picture of their lives.