Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it possible that the reason they are attached to the party is that they're NOT religious and may not get much out of the ceremony itself? That they feel like "a family event" necessitates "a party"?

As for the tickets, DH needs to tell them, "We can use miles for the tickets, or we can buy the tickets while you pay for the hotel room, or we can pay for the hotel room while you pay for the tickets, but we cannot pay cash for the tickets and the hotel room in addition to having a large party."

He will have to fall on his sword on this one, because it is not fair that he make deals about things like this without talking to you about it.

I agree about falling on his sword - but I still fail to see why the OP is obligated to pay for ANY of this??? Unless the ILs wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise?

I agree but it seems like they will need to pay for something. It seemed like offering to pay for lodging or transportation but not both would be a good compromise. As for the party, it seems like someone else would be driving this. Who would the in laws even want to invite, if they live so far away that they can't drive? Are others planning to fly in for this event?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you have the baby baptized at a church near them? Now you're paying for your own travel and they can spring for the party if they insist upon it.

I didn't want to post this because it makes the story sound so over the top that no one will believe it.....but they aren't religious and don't have a local church. Yes, I am dead serious. They just don't like being left out of "special" family events and parties. They heard my parents were invited and immediately jumped on the fact that they hadn't been (yet).

Wait, what? If they're not religious then how can "baptisms be a very big deal to their family" like you said in the beginning?

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it possible that the reason they are attached to the party is that they're NOT religious and may not get much out of the ceremony itself? That they feel like "a family event" necessitates "a party"?

As for the tickets, DH needs to tell them, "We can use miles for the tickets, or we can buy the tickets while you pay for the hotel room, or we can pay for the hotel room while you pay for the tickets, but we cannot pay cash for the tickets and the hotel room in addition to having a large party."

He will have to fall on his sword on this one, because it is not fair that he make deals about things like this without talking to you about it.

I agree about falling on his sword - but I still fail to see why the OP is obligated to pay for ANY of this??? Unless the ILs wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise?

OP, is it possible that the reason they are attached to the party is that they're NOT religious and may not get much out of the ceremony itself? That they feel like "a family event" necessitates "a party"?

As for the tickets, DH needs to tell them, "We can use miles for the tickets, or we can buy the tickets while you pay for the hotel room, or we can pay for the hotel room while you pay for the tickets, but we cannot pay cash for the tickets and the hotel room in addition to having a large party."

He will have to fall on his sword on this one, because it is not fair that he make deals about things like this without talking to you about it.

I still don't get why they want a big party for 20 people if they are from out of town- who are all these guests they want you to invite? Do they all live far away as well? If so, I imagine they won't come and it will be a small party after all. Or can you make it an ultimatum- either you pay for tix on the airline of their choice and have a small lunch, or they accept the free tix and you have a bigger party? It is insane to do both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm finding out that baptisms are a very big thing in DH's family. They're big to me too, but not as the social event that my IL's see them as. DC is getting baptized this summer and MIL and FIL are insisting on coming, except they want us to pay their travel expenses! (They live halfway across the country). We're not poor, but we do have very expensive childcare, and this will deplete our vacation fund plus some, which means no vacation this year and possibly next year. They also want us to throw a big party for DC. DH has told me there's no other way and he won't put his foot down with mom and dad. I've offered to fly them here on award tickets, but they "don't fly that airline, dear." I just wanted a sacrament performed and now it's costing us $1500+ at the very LEAST (we don't have room in our house for them so we'd have to put them up in a hotel as well). Am I in the wrong here?

absofuckinglutely not.

this sounds like the dh in the other thread...if he won't put his foot down and say NO then you do it.

Oh, I did. But I can say no all I want, and he'll still buy the tickets. They live in a small town with barely any air service and it's expensive. I cringe just thinking of the cost.

That's insane. Do you all have joint finances or not? If he wants to treat it as if it's his private money to do as he please with, then I'd completely restructure how we do our family accounts. A certain percentage of both your incomes goes into a single joint account to cover housing, childcare, joint meals, joint travel, gear for the kids, etc. Separate accounts cover your & husband's clothing, separate meals, travel, etc.

They have *NO* say in how you celebrate (or not) the baptism. How rude.

How dare they refuse free tickets and demand you pay.

What awful people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off so much I would refuse to baptize the kid.

That's not an option, but I do wonder what would happen if I had him baptized without anyone knowing....

If this is op, now you're acting like your dh and making decisions unilaterally. Bad, bad, bad. It won't solve anything. Your ils are a nightmare. We all know special snowflakes and this is what they look like in old age.

I've btdt with my ils who are now completely cut off. Even though they are well off, they are the cheapest, stingiest people I've ever met and constantly made demands upon dh and I for things that were not our responsibility. Of course if affected our wedding, kids baptisms, home purchases etc. I was screwed until my dh stood up to them and started being a husband and father. You are in the same boat. I'm glad you don't live near them but what kind of crazy thinking leads your dh to think he owes them because he dared to grow up and go on with his life. You don't have enough saved to be this generous with them. They are taking money away from your child. What selfish jerks.

How long have you been with dh? I'm curious about his attitudes towards you and if he thinks you are equal partners in the marriage. This is such a big deal that I would give dh a choice. Marital counseling or my bags would be packed.

I can't imagine my parents or inlaws making this request.

Don't set the precedent. Are they financially not well-off? If they don't have money, then you could treat them this time as a special one-off, but you and your H need to figure out if you'll be funding their travel forever. Say no to the big party. You can do this by not being involved at all in the planning. Your husband won't plan it all himself.

You have a new baby. Your inlaws should not be driving a wedge between you and your H. You two need to really talk it through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH says it's because DC only gets baptized once. He says he won't happen again and got pretty pissed when I disagreed. But I don't have a crystal ball, so who I am to say? It also turns out HE volunteered to pay their way...

I guess pissed doesn't cover it for me.

He's only going to turn 1 once! And 2 once! And 3 once! My god. DH is totally out of line volunteering a major expense without your agreement.

Die on this hill. Seriously.

I agree.

Your husband is way out of line.

Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off so much I would refuse to baptize the kid.

That's not an option, but I do wonder what would happen if I had him baptized without anyone knowing....

This would piss me off so much I would refuse to baptize the kid.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read all the posts, but I'll offer this suggestion, in case no one else has.
Go to their place. Drive so you don't have to buy tickets (half way across country suggests to Ohio? Indiana? You can drive there. Or use your reward tickets.) Have the baptism done at their church and they can invite whomever the heck they want to a party at their own house. I recommend trays from Costco. You can buy a cake. It sounds like the whole thing is much more important to them than to you, so let them host.

You don't know too much about American geography, do you? The western edge of Ohio (Cincinnati) is about 500 miles away from here. Indiana ranges from 500-650 miles from here. The west coast is approximately 2900 miles from here. You're about 2-3 states and 1000 miles off (try Kansas, Nebraska and the Dakotas for halfway across the country).

Driving there is about 2 days there and with older passengers, possibly 3 days back (older passengers often have to stop more often for food and/or bathroom breaks). Driving is really not a good option if they are really halfway across the country. Even Chicago, is 11.5 hours and 700 miles away. That's probably one very long day or two days out and 2 days back.

I might have missed it, but why can't your inlaws pay for their own airline ticket?
Or offer to pay for half and tell them childcare and party are costly and right now you can only afford X amount toward the airfare.