Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 09:20     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:I am in desperate need of some support and advice. In the past 24 hours, I found out that my new DH has been unfaithful to me, engaging in a physical/emotional fling with one woman and online flirtations with others before we were married. I am in shock, that lucid, unfeeling state where you can't exactly feel emotion. I have no idea whether I should stay or go.



What you describe isn't "lucid" at all -- rather the exact opposite.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 09:15     Subject: Re:In shock - he cheated
Major red flag.

In 10 years- you'll question why you didn't heed it.

Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 09:10     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.


I'm also a dissenter and think OP is making a grave mistake!!!! She is going to ruin her life. When she is single and finds the next man he won't be perfect either.

+2

OP, a long-distance relationship is not a relationship. I get a feeling you are looking for drama. Think about why you are trying so hard to make yourself suffer, maybe consider therapy. I am sorry, but the whole premise sounds insane, and your reaction is unhealthy and over the top.


They had an agreement or exclusivity, and were engaged during part of the time. You really think it's no big deal to be having sex with someone else when you're engaged?

I disagree completely that OP is looking for drama, is insane, or is having an unhealthy reaction. Completely.


Be fair, I did not call OP insane. You are well within your right to disagree.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 09:04     Subject: Re:In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:OP it is incorrect to say he had an affair. You can't have an affair when you aren't married. Quit creating drama. Your husband sounds remorseful and you either believe him or you don't. You also promised to stay with him through good and bad when you took vows. This is bad. So give it your all and figure out how to keep your marriage intact and move on with life. Don't go through his emails or snoop. Everyone has something to hide and I doubt you would want to disclose everything you have ever done to your husband.

Also don't engage with the other woman if she reaches out again. She is just angry your husband called things off with her. Seriously. She isn't looking out for you. she doesn't care about you.


This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 08:33     Subject: Re:In shock - he cheated
OP it is incorrect to say he had an affair. You can't have an affair when you aren't married. Quit creating drama. Your husband sounds remorseful and you either believe him or you don't. You also promised to stay with him through good and bad when you took vows. This is bad. So give it your all and figure out how to keep your marriage intact and move on with life. Don't go through his emails or snoop. Everyone has something to hide and I doubt you would want to disclose everything you have ever done to your husband.

Also don't engage with the other woman if she reaches out again. She is just angry your husband called things off with her. Seriously. She isn't looking out for you. she doesn't care about you.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 08:26     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OW is a shit stirrer. This is why you just can't cheat- you can't trust that the affair partner won't blow your world up like this. Not excusing the DH necessarily (though I do think it's wise to consider therapy vs divorce if this really all ended when you moved to the same city and got married) but why did the OW feel the need to unload on OP like this??

Did you even read the OP? The woman who contacted OP was not the "other woman", she had no idea OP existed. The woman probably unloaded because she wishes another woman would've unloaded the truth onto her.
Wow, anything to NOT blame the man, huh?


She IS the other woman. Op's post referred to her as that and just because she may not have realized at the time she was the OW, she was. Furthermore, what she may or may not want in her life is irrelevant. She found out this guy was now married- so what. I don't believe any woman or affair partner for that matter, this goes for men too, out of the blue decide to tell the spouse out of a sense of duty or morality. They do it to injure and to cause hurt because they feel hurt. I'm not excusing Op's husband but the OW in this case is no Good Samaritan. She woke up one day and decided to implode someone else's world.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 08:13     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.


I'm also a dissenter and think OP is making a grave mistake!!!! She is going to ruin her life. When she is single and finds the next man he won't be perfect either.

+2

OP, a long-distance relationship is not a relationship. I get a feeling you are looking for drama. Think about why you are trying so hard to make yourself suffer, maybe consider therapy. I am sorry, but the whole premise sounds insane, and your reaction is unhealthy and over the top.


They had an agreement or exclusivity, and were engaged during part of the time. You really think it's no big deal to be having sex with someone else when you're engaged?

I disagree completely that OP is looking for drama, is insane, or is having an unhealthy reaction. Completely.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 07:17     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.


I'm also a dissenter and think OP is making a grave mistake!!!! She is going to ruin her life. When she is single and finds the next man he won't be perfect either.

+2

OP, a long-distance relationship is not a relationship. I get a feeling you are looking for drama. Think about why you are trying so hard to make yourself suffer, maybe consider therapy. I am sorry, but the whole premise sounds insane, and your reaction is unhealthy and over the top.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 07:03     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.


I'm also a dissenter and think OP is making a grave mistake!!!! She is going to ruin her life. When she is single and finds the next man he won't be perfect either.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 05:22     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.


To be fair, I think the earlier poster missed some of the relevant details in OPs post that are driving the consensus. Although the directive to stop snooping when she's just been informed her husband cheated on her because that supplies "almost equal grounds" for her DH to leave her - okay, that's weirdly ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 05:18     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all of the responses but it would bother me that he lied to this other woman and pretended he was single. That's cold, calculated, self-centered lying.


Agree with this.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 01:18     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Is this his first marriage? If not, did he cheat on his first wife? That would be relevant info for me. If this is a first marriage .... I have to say it's a little unusual for a guy not to be married until his mid 40's -- sometimes there's a perfectly good reason, but other times it's an indication of a guy who has some serious commitment fears. It may be that he was the guy with serious commitment fears and was cheating as a way to avoid feeling committed -- maybe he's now dealt with them and buried that part of his life and you guys can live happily ever after; or maybe he's just shoved them under the rug and this is likely to recur whenever he's feeling a little "trapped." I think you need to figure all this out to know what to do next.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 00:32     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming.


OP, I just wanted to address this one other point. You've done nothing shameful. If you end up needing to leave, or otherwise want to discuss this with friends and family, do not take his shame on yourself. As is abundantly clear from your original post, you're not responsible for his behavior.


That is kind of you to say. Thank you. I do feel deeply ashamed and humiliated that this happened. I know it is not my fault, but I feel conned and wronged.

I put all of my faith and trust in someone who was extremely cavalier with my feelings and absolutely selfish with theirs. It makes me feel like I can't trust myself and my decisions. We have been married for such a very short time. I have just finished the process of changing my surname to his. All I think about is that if this is done, I will have to back through this entire painful process of changing my name back. Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated.


I haven't read the whole thread yet. It just want to address your comment about finding a new job because of embarrassment in front of colleagues. I would just let this worry go. I assume many, if not, most of your colleagues are married. With the experience of marriage, most people realize that life and relationships are complicated and not nearly as neat and orderly as they look to outsiders. There is no need to be embarrassed or feel humiliated. Believe me, everyone has their stuff. I'm sure you'll find a lot of compassion and respect, no matter what you decide. Be true to your own needs and feelings.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2015 00:13     Subject: In shock - he cheated
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.


7 pages of consensus on OP's husband having done something quite wrong is a very, very rare thing on DCUM. That you're the lone dissenter should tell you something about your own views.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2015 21:48     Subject: Re:In shock - he cheated
We went through an eerily similar (almost identical) situation when we were first married. During counseling, it came out that DH had suffered something terrible as a child that he had never told anyone. It was a reason I could understand and he was 200% on board with doing anything he needed to do to fix what he'd broken and himself. Counseling really, really helped us both -- more the individual sessions than the couples, truth be told. We now have a very happy marriage. The first year was HARD. I soooooo remember that humiliation. The book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, was my light in the storm. I can't recommend it enough.