Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 00:54     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 00:50     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 00:45     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.


Yep. I think the entitlement so many men feel around sex adds to the problem. Instead of trying to find a way to seduce their wife, they make awkward jokes or just straight up ask, instead of doing anything to get their partner in the mood.

It's almost like they dont even realize their partner is a sexual person, with their own sexual preferences and pleasure. They just think their wife should have sex with them because they want sex and wife is supposed to satisfy that like some robot, with no concern for her own libido.

Just because a wife isn't sleeping with her husband doesnt mean she has no libido. LOTS of women read romance novels, lots of women watch movies like Magic Mike, and trust me, well all get turned on. The problem arises when we know that sexy times with our DH is going to feel more like a chore than an exciting, sexually fulfilling and satisfying act.


It's a two way street. If the sex is a chore, you are just as much to blame as he is. For some reason, a lot of women have this attitude where they basically absolve themselves of any responsibility for how sex turns out. If the sex is boring, it's always because HE isn't doing something right, instead of thing about how it as a team.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 00:42     Subject: Re:My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:Sorry bro.

As Jessica Valenti said:

"It also paints a fairly inaccurate - and transactional - picture of female desire. Despite terrible gift books to the contrary, most women don’t get off on men vacuuming or picking up socks (not that there’s anything wrong with those that do). What turns women on is what turns men on: good sex."

Maybe work on improving your technique?


This is actually wrong.

Men generally don't expect "good sex" from women. Men just want to have sex with someone that they are attracted to. They don't really expect a woman to do anything other than be attractive. Men bring their own sex. Women, in the other hand, view sex as a male performance, where men may "give" them an orgasm. I think this difference in psychology is a factor in why men find it easier to reach orgasm. Men expect basically nothing once they are attracted.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 23:06     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Here is something you can try op. Every time you think about initiating sex go for a run or do some pushups and crunches. Yeah you're not getting laid but you are getting in shape. Best case she misses the attention and starts initiating. Worst case scenario you are much more desirable when you are back on the market
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 22:27     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DW here. I react the same way. What do you want from me now? I'm exhausted and kids are barely in bed. I've been running them nonstop since school got out and haven't had a moment to pee by myself. Just leave me alone and let me have some peace.


This. I JUST gave you a 30 minute BJ on Monday and you are pestering me again? Leave me alone, I want to watch my shows, drink wine, pass out and go to sleep.

...and get fat and bitter so you won't want me anymore and I can live with my pets.


Maybe if she works really hard she can get as bitter as you since you seem to be obsessed with the concept of "cat ladies" and posting about it constantly.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 22:24     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DW here. I react the same way. What do you want from me now? I'm exhausted and kids are barely in bed. I've been running them nonstop since school got out and haven't had a moment to pee by myself. Just leave me alone and let me have some peace.


This. I JUST gave you a 30 minute BJ on Monday and you are pestering me again? Leave me alone, I want to watch my shows, drink wine, pass out and go to sleep.

...and get fat and bitter so you won't want me anymore and I can live with my pets.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 21:49     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.


Yep. I think the entitlement so many men feel around sex adds to the problem. Instead of trying to find a way to seduce their wife, they make awkward jokes or just straight up ask, instead of doing anything to get their partner in the mood.

It's almost like they dont even realize their partner is a sexual person, with their own sexual preferences and pleasure. They just think their wife should have sex with them because they want sex and wife is supposed to satisfy that like some robot, with no concern for her own libido.

Just because a wife isn't sleeping with her husband doesnt mean she has no libido. LOTS of women read romance novels, lots of women watch movies like Magic Mike, and trust me, well all get turned on. The problem arises when we know that sexy times with our DH is going to feel more like a chore than an exciting, sexually fulfilling and satisfying act.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 21:37     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:DW here. I react the same way. What do you want from me now? I'm exhausted and kids are barely in bed. I've been running them nonstop since school got out and haven't had a moment to pee by myself. Just leave me alone and let me have some peace.


This. I JUST gave you a 30 minute BJ on Monday and you are pestering me again? Leave me alone, I want to watch my shows, drink wine, pass out and go to sleep.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 21:34     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 20:32     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP what turns your wife on? What does she find sexy in a man? Who are her celebrity crushes? Any particular kind of style of dress, including uniforms/costumes, that she finds sexy?


All I can say to this is summed up in a Lyle Lovett song:

"If I were the man you wanted, I would not be the man that I am"

Meanwhile. What if her celeb crush was a daily obsession that drove a wedge in the marriage. Add to that the crush, and her daily blog about him made hubby jealous and insecure. What guy wants to think about his wife dreaming of some old fart on TV?



Few too many give any thought at all to what turns their partner on. They aren't used to being sexualized, so they find the concept totally bizarre. Meanwhile, women are trained to view themselves through a sexualized lense from birth. Hence an obsession with keeping our bodies in shape, wearing makeup, and dressing up in lingerie. Just like a woman who does these things will elicit more sexual interest from men, a man who works to fit and fulfill his wife's sexual desires will get laid more often. It's fairly simple.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 20:30     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:OP is strangely silent when repeatedly asked whether his wife truly enjoys satisfying sex with him.


Yep. The silence speaks volumes.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 19:22     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll go for another angle. I used to love sex, but don't enjoy it that much anymore. And my libido is no where near what it used to be. My husband is awesome in bed. He's great around the house. Totally handsome. But my hormones have changed over the years.
He is great, and I have learned to go with his advances even if I'm not in the mood. And I tell him what helps me get turned on. But it took a while for me to get to that point. I used to be frustrated at his desires and annoyed that he wanted it when I didn't - even though he wasn't doing anything "wrong". It was and is frustrating to me that I don't have the desire I used to. I just deal with it better now.


Well, that was a reflective, reasoned response to a difficult and nuanced problem. Therefore, I presume it violates forum rules and should be removed.


OP here. This is indeed reflective. The first seven or so sentences describe our situation perfectly -- though I don't really know how good I am in bed; I'm probably about average. Anyway, here's hoping that the second half of this plays out in our marriage.


If this is it, you may consider that she might have a nutritional deficit or just exhaustion. Many women go into crazy mode with children, totally devoting themselves to the children and housekeeping and neglecting themselves. You might say "well, that is her responsibility, to take care of her health", which is true, but it is my husband's responsibility to pick up his socks, but it won't happen so I just help him there. You might get her to have a physical and make sure the lack of libido is not indicative of some underlying illness due to self neglect.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 19:06     Subject: Re:My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:
Some of it is probably that the husbands or other partners (second husbands, boyfriends -- as the husbands die off -- etc) ARE better.

Some of it is also probably that the kids are growing/grown up and the wife isn't constantly tired from being the default parent anymore. Seriously, before I became a mother I had NO idea why mothers had low libidos. Pre-kids my DH and I were well matched on the SD front. Post kids, even though he's a good dad...he doesn't shoulder 50% of the parenting burden (he can't in some ways, not blaming) and I am much more physically and emotionally tired than he is. One our kids are older, I am SO looking forward to a libido bounce back!


1. Reduce your overall parenting burden (as in "do less kid stuff") such that nobody is too tired for a normal/regular sex life.

2. You waiting until "kids are older" is quite selfish, and don't be surprised if he's moved on (sexually speaking) from you by then
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 18:55     Subject: My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex
Anonymous wrote:DW here. I react the same way. What do you want from me now? I'm exhausted and kids are barely in bed. I've been running them nonstop since school got out and haven't had a moment to pee by myself. Just leave me alone and let me have some peace.


No problem. I will leave you alone plenty. Don't my texts or throwaway gmail account because I'll be spreading my attention around from now on