Anonymous wrote:OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.

I think the bolded statements are very important. Men just don't typically have the same standards of "clean" and are not nearly as motivated to clean things as women usually are. Instead of getting resentful about "doing all of the cleaning," just don't do so much and let things sit a bit.

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Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

Some of us like to eat our food freshly cooked. Plus, if you've ever had small children you would understand that the mess they make while eating requires more than just "wiping the table off"-- at least if your standards are reasonably high for cleanliness.

Ok, well, if you don't want to bake a lasagna that has been prepped in advance , then that is your priority and you are creating a rush in the evening. If that is your preference that is fine but don't complain about it. I would hate to come home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and pans every night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha op I think we married the same man, except I get a sigh and an eye roll when I ask for help. Yep, joy. Pure joy!

No advice, just empathy.

So why did you choose to marry a baby?]

Probably because that side of the man doesn't come out until the real kids arrive.

Anonymous wrote:When my parents got married, the preacher told my dad, in front of my mom, "do everything she asks you to do around the house, but do it poorly."

Sounds like this is ops husbands tactic.

yea I'm sure he told him that.

I understand where you are coming from but you denigrate every SAHP when you use the word slave. A real slave had no choice, you do. And personally, I never felt like hired help because above all else, I am respected and loved at home.

You need to figure out what's important and what isn't. I have a feeling this isn't about the home stuff, it's about your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Haha op I think we married the same man, except I get a sigh and an eye roll when I ask for help. Yep, joy. Pure joy!

No advice, just empathy.

So why did you choose to marry a baby?]

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Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

For some people, it costs more to put all the kids in daycare/aftercare, so they don't work. For some people, it wasn't about luxury.

OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.

Marriage counseling, stat.

If you're a slave because you take care of your house and kids as a SAHM, what's your husband? Your meal ticket/pocketbook?