Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 22:07     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.


Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.


I think that most normal, non selfish people would chose the child over themselves in this situation. That's what I told my DH.


If DH had to push either you or your child away from an oncoming train you'd want him to choose you? Nice.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 21:23     Subject: Re:Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
I lost a child and a parent. The loss of our child was just so unexpected and felt so unjust. It changed me and my perception of the world around me forever. I’ll never be the same again. And it was an indescribable sharp deep pain for the first six months. The pain eventually dulled, but 8 years later, I still feel the loss deeply and will always have sadness in me. I was much older when losing my parent, and I knew it would happen eventually. It was sad, but there was no comparison there.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 19:45     Subject: Re:Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
As a man with two toddlers, I would say a mother losing a child is the hardest. I cant imagine the pain both of us would feel if something where to happen but my wife would be inconsolable. I think there is just a special connection between mother /child that cant be replaced. My grandmother lost a husband and two grown sons (one 25 and the other my father at 34). The other 6 siblings said they would never put anyone through that pain that my grandmother went through but always said it was the two sons and not the husband.

Seeing my mother lose my father was tough as well. Strong woman to raise two kids.

I agree with the pp that you cant compare levels of grief but if I had to somehow rank them I would say 1. mother losing child, 2. father losing child, 3. spouse losing spouse.

Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 19:33     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Loss of a child is worse, no question and I’d forgive a friend grieving the loss of a child things I would not forgive in anyone else. Your friend who lost the spouse is truly an idiot, and it’s borderline unforgiveable to attempt to minimize the pain of some who lost their only child, particularly since widow friend has remarried. Widow friend should pray she never learns what it is like to lose a child. And both spouse and I would choose the children over each other in a heartbeat - it’s not even a question.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 18:54     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Fil lost his daughter and then lost his wife. For him, the wife was the harder loss.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 18:37     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).


I have a friend who is in her 60s and lost her husband of about 40 years. They have no children. I doubt she's going to "move forward" because she pretty much spent most of her life with him. So I would caution someone against minimizing her grief or the huge impact (and change to her life) that losing her spouse has had by saying it isn't as bad as (fill in the blank).

I also would not do that to someone who just lost a child, no matter how old they were or whether or not they could have another one.

I just don't think you can view humans as replaceable -- whether they are spouses, parents or children. So telling someone that, "hey, it's not so bad because you can remarry" or "hey, at least you can still have more children!" is obnoxious.

There are some things that just shouldn't be ranked and compared. And grief and losing someone close to you are among those things.

It also all depends. A lot depends on the relationship. Some people aren't close to their parents. Some people love their spouses, but they never viewed them as life partners and lived a long time without them, so perhaps to them, the experience would be different. And believe it or not, some people aren't close to their children. I know everyone likes to say that a parent's love for their child is unconditional, but there are many instances where that just doesn't appear to be the case.

So who knows how people who fall into the above categories deal with the losses.

I also think that one aspect of how hard a loss is on people is what other resources for joy they have in their lives. Someone who isn't very social, doesn't have a large social/familiar network and is pretty much reliant on spouse/parent/child for most of their social interaction might take the loss harder partly because the person literally was their *entire* life.

It really all depends. And I think trying to rank loss in those stark terms is naive, ignorant and immature.


+1 Well said.


+2

The only answer that makes sense here.

Especially the part about how partner loss is less because that person is "replaceable." What in the ever-loving F? How is this different than saying you can "replace" a child too, by having another one or adopting? Right, you can't...that person is gone.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 18:24     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
A good friend lost her husband in two years ago from an aggressive cancer. They were truly each other’s best friend and love of their life. She has taken up some new hobbies and her college friends have been there for her. That said, she has lost a lot of weight and there is just a constant sadness in her eyes and weariness about her.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 17:11     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
^^PP again. The second "she" refers to my grandmother.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 17:09     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:I am a widow. I was devastated for several years, but I eventually recovered.

The people I know who have lost a child have never fully recovered from that loss. They have learned to live with it.

I think there's some truth to this. My uncle died before either of my grandparents...and only a few years before he would have become a father-in-law and then a grandparent himself.

My aunt will never remarry, but she seems to have found a peace within herself. I think because losing a spouse feels primarily like something that happens *to* you. My grandparents never recovered from the loss of their adult child. Until her death, she couldn't think of my uncle without tearing up. I think because she felt the loss not just as something bad that happened to her, but as a sort of cosmic injustice that he should be taken early and before his time.

Interestingly, my aunt lost her father young and her sister's husband died unexpectedly just a few months after my uncle. I think she is very sanguine about the loss of her father, as are my cousins. They are able to talk about him and his death in a way my grandparents were never able to do.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 17:02     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother was murdered 20 years ago when I was a tween. Yes my parents have moved on but the pain is still there. I think about him everyday. The question my parents struggle with the most is when asked how many children do you have ? Even 20 years later it's a tough question to answer. Do you say 1 which would be me or do you say 2 but we lost 1. Usually they say 1 but for the first 10 years they always said 2.


I’m so sorry for your loss. DH’s sister was murdered by her spouse four years ago. His mother didn’t know how to answer the how many children do you have question until she heard a bereaved friend’s answer. She now says, “ I have 3 children; one is deceased.” Perhaps this would work for your parents.


I'm so sorry for you both. All the best.


Thank you for your kindness. We think about her every day.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:57     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother was murdered 20 years ago when I was a tween. Yes my parents have moved on but the pain is still there. I think about him everyday. The question my parents struggle with the most is when asked how many children do you have ? Even 20 years later it's a tough question to answer. Do you say 1 which would be me or do you say 2 but we lost 1. Usually they say 1 but for the first 10 years they always said 2.


I’m so sorry for your loss. DH’s sister was murdered by her spouse four years ago. His mother didn’t know how to answer the how many children do you have question until she heard a bereaved friend’s answer. She now says, “ I have 3 children; one is deceased.” Perhaps this would work for your parents.


I'm so sorry for you both. All the best.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:53     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
Anonymous wrote:My brother was murdered 20 years ago when I was a tween. Yes my parents have moved on but the pain is still there. I think about him everyday. The question my parents struggle with the most is when asked how many children do you have ? Even 20 years later it's a tough question to answer. Do you say 1 which would be me or do you say 2 but we lost 1. Usually they say 1 but for the first 10 years they always said 2.


I’m so sorry for your loss. DH’s sister was murdered by her spouse four years ago. His mother didn’t know how to answer the how many children do you have question until she heard a bereaved friend’s answer. She now says, “ I have 3 children; one is deceased.” Perhaps this would work for your parents.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:36     Subject: Re:Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
My mother died the year I graduated from college. My sister was still a teenager and my father is a terrible person.

Whenever I was having a tough time with the loss (and it happened a lot....I was so close to my mom), my grandmother (my mom's mother) was sure to tell me that she had it worse because you're supposed to lose your mom at some point, but you shouldn't lose a child.

It kind of made me feel terrible. In therapy later, my therapist told me that grief is not a competition.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 16:10     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
I honestly would likely move away from both of them. Grief is terrible. But for any one person to say “my grief is worse than yours” is so horrible that I probably couldn’t continue a friendship with either one.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2018 15:59     Subject: Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
I’ve lost a child. There is no pain like it.

I’ve had another child. The love for one doesn’t negate/balance/remedy the pain of loss for another. It does force you to keep going, for them.

I’ve lost a husband through divorce. No pain like that either. While he is still alive, divorce did feel just as painful as the loss of life.

There is no value in choosing to force rank pain.
It’s all relative. And it all requires healing.