Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the Jewish culture, you don't give money. I know in certain Christian circles they give money with the idea that it's to put towards funeral expenses. (In my family, your funeral expenses are paid for decades ahead of time.)

This is NOT true. I am Jewish and when our friend died and the new wife was left with costs upward of $100k, we all got together and raised over half. It wasn't at shiva but the week following. We also paid for everything that we could that week.

100k?! My grandpa had a 500 person funeral with more flowers than my wedding had and it was half that.

My mom always sends money because with death comes expenses, that unless you "know" the folks, you have no idea of their financial issues and needs. Plus, sometimes folks just need cash and how many of us have cash on hand. I still think it is a good idea. Don't care if you think it's tacky but I doubt you'd send it back.

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, no. How come you do not know this?

I thought so too but after reading this thread, it makes sense if it's the norm in your community/cultural background, especially with funeral costs.

Oh boy I am really horrified reading all these replies because my sisterms in law passed away and she told me they were struggling and that I should send money in the card so I did send money. Now I’m worried that maybe I offended them? I hope that’s not the case!

My family is Cajun and they do this.

We have done so for an unexpected passing of a person who we knew in a professional capacity. He was a widower and was survived by an only offspring who was a young adult. Having lost the only surviving parent who had raised him was a devastating loss for this child. I wish we could have given more because this person was very dear to our hearts and a gem of a person and I still worry about the surviving family member. We gave $500.

I am sorry but it is not crass. Unless you are very well off and have all your worldly affairs taken care of and enough support for the family to take care of you, every loss also takes a financial toll on the survivors and I would rather give money and help out the family if I can along with the food and flowers.

Anonymous wrote:In the Jewish culture, you don't give money. I know in certain Christian circles they give money with the idea that it's to put towards funeral expenses. (In my family, your funeral expenses are paid for decades ahead of time.)

This is NOT true. I am Jewish and when our friend died and the new wife was left with costs upward of $100k, we all got together and raised over half. It wasn't at shiva but the week following. We also paid for everything that we could that week.

Anonymous wrote:When my mom passed away, I got cards with GC to local restaurants. The note basically said sorry for your loss and we know in the upcoming months you'll be busy with the estate so please have dinner in us one night so you don't have to worry about feeding the kids.

From out of town friends and relatives it was a kind gesture.

I can understand this, it serves a purpose.

where I was raised

there's a phrase not used everywhere

Yes, include money. It depends how close you are but I generally include $100 if it's someone whose funeral I attended. At the least one, I gave $1000 because it was a dear friend who lost their child.

Good Lord, no. How come you do not know this?

In my experience, money received in sympathy cards is either used to help with funeral expenses, or else all the money is given to a charity as a memorial in the deceased's name. When my FIL died, his widow gave all the money received to the local library, in memory of him, where he had volunteered for years.

I've never heard of NOT including money in a sympathy card. That's the way things are done in the Midwest, where I was raised. To help defray the cost of the funeral.

In a lot of cultures, this is perfectly acceptable. When someone dies, the family usually has a lot of expenses (travel, funeral, etc) so it's a kind gesture in my opinion to make a contribution if/when appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of sending money.

Good thing you thought to ask.

When my parents died (I was in my 30’s) several people from my husband’s family sent us money.
I had never heard of such a thing, but my MIL told me it’s common up her way (Midwest) and it comes from a time when people were trying to help with funeral costs.