Sorry, but you don't exist unless you have a man's name on you. And the monograms are in case you forget that.

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Anonymous wrote:AH, I totally get it. I would be frustrated by that too. What can I say? Casual sexism is alive and well and built into our patriarchal society. At least you know you are fighting the good fight

Yep. This is why we decided to give our kid my last name and not DH's. Enough with these assumptions. Naming traditions are rooted in pretty nasty history of women being akin to property - which isn't to say that changing your name is weak or makes you property. Take DH's name, hyphenate, keep yours, whatever you want. But it's a personal choice and that choice should be respected.

We did this, too! You're the only other one I've encountered on DCUM. Let's be friends.

OK! (Were you kidding?) (Was I just scary?)

Totally wasn't kidding. I need more awesome mom friends.

To the both of you -- when you name your child with the mother's last name, the normal American world thinks that your husband is the child's stepfather or if it's obvious that your husband is the child's father, we think you are not married. It's not misogynistic, it's just our culture. Pat yourself on the back, but the average person a going to assume divorce or illegitimate child. Congrats on your stand against society.

Woman with own name and child with my name here....you're making my exact point. You're under the impression that there is such a thing as a typical (you say "normal") American - these old-fashioned conventions simply do not factor for many people. They factor for you - that's fine. Oh, I'm also not American, nor am I "Mrs." anything. I'm "Dr." My world =\= your world. There is no "western system of values."

+10000.

Also, my best friend gave her child her last name. I am not confused about it at all and don't think her husband is the stepfather or that they're not married. And she personally doesn't care what other people who don't know them think - why would she?

Signed,

Dr. Jones, married to Mr. Smith

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Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

No, I don't monogram. Never understood the appeal and wouldn't do it even if we shared the same last name. But having a different last name than spouse doesn't stop one from putting one's own monograms on things like bags or shirts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not change my name when I married and don't mind cards addressed to "the hislastname family" as 3/4 members have DH's last name.

I have always been offended by the "Mr and Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName. That tradition needs to die!

While we're at it, if you insist on the titles please only use Ms for me. Why must a woman's martial status change how she is addressed?

PP, I fondly recall looking at my mother's high school reunion directory (class of 1950) where the married female classmates were listed as;

Smith, Jane Jones
(Mrs. Ralph Smith)
1234 Main Street

And, I hate Ms.
I insisted upon being Miss in my single days...

My mother has a 1980 directory from an organization she belonged to that does the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happens to me, but it doesn't bother me. I love and appreciate getting cards from people.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:AH, I totally get it. I would be frustrated by that too. What can I say? Casual sexism is alive and well and built into our patriarchal society. At least you know you are fighting the good fight

Yep. This is why we decided to give our kid my last name and not DH's. Enough with these assumptions. Naming traditions are rooted in pretty nasty history of women being akin to property - which isn't to say that changing your name is weak or makes you property. Take DH's name, hyphenate, keep yours, whatever you want. But it's a personal choice and that choice should be respected.

We did this, too! You're the only other one I've encountered on DCUM. Let's be friends.

OK! (Were you kidding?) (Was I just scary?)

Totally wasn't kidding. I need more awesome mom friends.

To the both of you -- when you name your child with the mother's last name, the normal American world thinks that your husband is the child's stepfather or if it's obvious that your husband is the child's father, we think you are not married. It's not misogynistic, it's just our culture. Pat yourself on the back, but the average person a going to assume divorce or illegitimate child. Congrats on your stand against society.

Woman with own name and child with my name here....you're making my exact point. You're under the impression that there is such a thing as a typical (you say "normal") American - these old-fashioned conventions simply do not factor for many people. They factor for you - that's fine. Oh, I'm also not American, nor am I "Mrs." anything. I'm "Dr." My world =\= your world. There is no "western system of values."

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They do maybe no care or they forget you name.

Do you speak or write in another language fluently? Didn't think so.

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I find it really annoying that some women don't change their name. How am I supposed to know that you didn't change your name?

Are you serious? In my case, perhaps because I had a 15 year long career reputation connected with my maiden name. I'm fine with people who want to change their names, no issue with it. But I have no idea why you would automatically assume everyone would do so, or be annoyed with people who don't.

I didn't change my name because my husband's last name is about as bad as McBarfstein.

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Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Seriously, do people even monogram anymore? Can't imagine this being a concern at all.

Is this for real? My sheets are monogrammed, I have a door sign outside that says "The Smith Family", my stationary is monogrammed, I have a monogram on my wreath, cell phone case is monogrammed, my luggage is monogrammed....

Serious question though: if you didn't take your DH's last name, does that mean you're never a "Mrs."? Or are you still a "Mrs. Smith" even though your last name is Doe officially? (I assume you can't be a Mrs. Doe? because that's your mother?)

Who even uses Mrs. anymore?? Wedding invitations and Christmas cards are usually addressed to Myfirstname & Husbandsfirstname and in other contexts it's always Ms. Mylastname. I have literally never been referred to as Mrs. Anything as long as I've been married. Of course, I'm also not friends with anyone who has monogrammed all of her earthly possessions...

I find it really annoying that some women don't change their name. How am I supposed to know that you didn't change your name?

Are you serious? In my case, perhaps because I had a 15 year long career reputation connected with my maiden name. I'm fine with people who want to change their names, no issue with it. But I have no idea why you would automatically assume everyone would do so, or be annoyed with people who don't.

http://www.ehow.co.uk/info_8582676_miss-manners-etiquette-addressing-envelopes.html

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Seriously, do people even monogram anymore? Can't imagine this being a concern at all.

Is this for real? My sheets are monogrammed, I have a door sign outside that says "The Smith Family", my stationary is monogrammed, I have a monogram on my wreath, cell phone case is monogrammed, my luggage is monogrammed....

Serious question though: if you didn't take your DH's last name, does that mean you're never a "Mrs."? Or are you still a "Mrs. Smith" even though your last name is Doe officially? (I assume you can't be a Mrs. Doe? because that's your mother?)

It actually blows my mind that there is someone who has her sheets, luggage and cell phone monogrammed ... Probably as much as it blows your mind that I will never be a Mrs. Anything.

Anonymous wrote:I try to respect my friends who kept their maiden name, unless their and their husband's names are too long to fit on one line, i.e., Jane Smith and John Doe easily turns into the "Smith/Doe Family" or the "Smith-Doe Family". If you are "Larla McDonald and Larlo Barfstein" I will shorten you to "the 'McBarfstein' Family". Haters going to hate, but this looks so much nicer:

The "McBarfstein" Family
123 Main Street
Anytown USA

than this:

The McDonald/
Barfstein Family
123 Main St.
Anytown, USA

This is obviously a joke, right? You make up a new last name for your friends because you think it looks nicer on the envelope. Right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

OMG, seriously, are you this dense? The family name would be "The Smith & Doe Family." They are one family with multiple last names. It's really not rocket science. Why would it be Hislastname Family with her as an outlier? They are one family.

exactly. They are one family. But if 3 of them have the family last name and she has her married last name, it's not really Smith & Doe Family.

I assume the women who don't take their DH's last name don't monogram? Or buy thing that say "Smith Family"? There's never enough room for the huge hyphenation or ampersand.

Seriously, do people even monogram anymore? Can't imagine this being a concern at all.

Is this for real? My sheets are monogrammed, I have a door sign outside that says "The Smith Family", my stationary is monogrammed, I have a monogram on my wreath, cell phone case is monogrammed, my luggage is monogrammed....

Serious question though: if you didn't take your DH's last name, does that mean you're never a "Mrs."? Or are you still a "Mrs. Smith" even though your last name is Doe officially? (I assume you can't be a Mrs. Doe? because that's your mother?)

Anonymous wrote:I find it really annoying that some women don't change their name. How am I supposed to know that you didn't change your name?

Yes, and that's why I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. But I have been sending my relatives Christmas cards for years that list our names as Jane Doe and John Smith. If they were really paying attention, they would know my name hasn't changed to my husband's. And Miss Manners says you should make an effort to address people the way they want to be addressed so etiquette requires one to pay attention.

But I love my relatives and they're not going to change. This is not worth getting bent out of shape over.