Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:15     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with my DH and in-laws, including infertility, to the point I wondered if I had changed details and had actually posted this!

- We don't know how/ why the husband told the MIL (do we)?
- The issue is with the DH; he went out of the bounds of marriage and broke trust. Yes, it IS a big deal. Maybe the PPs who are saying "You are a ninny' are either weird,. in terrible relationships, or just trolling to be mean (I Guess the last one)
- Many in-law relationships change around pregnancy/first babies, so I wouldn't nec. ascribe everything to this lie (although it sounds like a biggie it may have happened anyway)
- It was a terrible think for your MIL to ask be lied about , and a terrible thing for him to agree to lie about (telling her about something going on in your body w/o your consent).
- If this is in anyway, shape or form emblematic of your relationship with your DH, I'd find a good therapist for help now- better to have overkill on something as important as trust and betrayal and your reproductive system (before you turn into a meanie poster yourself)!
- TO answer the matter at hand, I think you need to talk to your husband about whether the three of you speak together- your saying, I have already addressed DH's betrayal, he stands me up 100%, now I need to address yours b/c I want to have a real relationship with you or if your husband talks to her without you.
- I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with this woman, unless you are exceptionally good at forgiving and there is a real basis for solid relationship here (Which it sounds likethereis not after the last 2 years). Still if you feel like you are seething inside everytime you see her perhaps a conversation could get you to socially-less-difficult relationship.


Thanks. I already know the trolls are fierce in this forum so I expected it. I should probably just ignore.


No, no dummy, a troll isn't someone who disagrees with you or tells you something you don't like. A troll is someone who posts inflammatory or untrue things to purposefully start arguments. Understand now?


I'm the first PP quoted. I don't understand what is wrong with some people here. OP came for honest advice, and people are just trashing her. I get the impression that honestly and trustworthiness are important to the OP. She's clearly hurt. Why call her names (come to think of it, why EVER call people names)? when the immediate PP says "a troll is someone who posts inflammatory things," wouldn't calling someone names be considered inflammatory? (Or is it okay because it's "true"?)
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:14     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.


My mother would choose differently, as would I. Lies are bad. Lying to your wife about something she cares about is very bad. That doesn't bode well for anyone. It's pretty simple.


OP, Are you close to your mother? Do you have siblings?


Yes - part of the reason we are all still close, as well as with everyone's inlaws, is that our parents respect that our spousal families are most important now.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:14     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you're getting some rough treatment here.

FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.

I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.

As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.


Thanks - this is really helpful. You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option. My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "you should tell her that I know" instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me. and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to. I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.

I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here. People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.


Honestly, after seeing everything you wrote here, she probably thought there'd be hell to pay if you found out she knew.

What a silly, silly thing to not be able to trust someone over. Your husband put her in a really bad position, for which he owes her an apology.


I agree that he owes her an apology and put her in a bad position.

But I disagree that lying to someone about something because they'd be upset if they found out the truth is a reason to lie to someone... if anything, that is a reason you need to tell them the truth. I live by this principle and expect my spouse to as well. If his mother doesn't, that's fine, but I trust her less.


HOW do you not see that you are giving DH every reason to keep things from you? He already kept it tucked away for 1.5 years and made another mistake when he confessed it two weeks ago. He'll try not to make that mistake again.

By treating DH like the enemy you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of wondering and worrying what else he's keeping from you.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:13     Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
The baby is now 18 months old. Could it be that both DH and MIL are jealous of how much of your time has to go to the baby? I think this is not trivial, or you would not be writing about it 1.5 years later and you say the relationship is deteriorating. Your DH did not do you any favors sharing your big announcement with his mom without telling you. And there is no excuse for her rude remarks even if she was trying to cover it up. It is your DH you need to work with in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:12     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.


+1 But OP needs everyone to come to her with their heads hung low apologizing and even then she thinks things can never be as good as they *might* have been if everything had gone according to HER plan from Day 1. Then and only then would the MIL-DIL relationship have stood a chance to be a really good one.


I'm really not upset that she knew. Not even a little upset with her that she knew. Upset with DH for breaking that agreement that we worked so hard to discuss and compromise competing needs on, sure. But much more upset that he lied about it.

I'm not really even UPSET with MIL, just disappointed. And if she considers the loyalty of mother/son to be higher than husband/wife, well then I'm right not to trust her! So if that's my answer, that actually helps somewhat. Looking at my son, I hope I would never encourage him to lie to his wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:10     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.


My mother would choose differently, as would I. Lies are bad. Lying to your wife about something she cares about is very bad. That doesn't bode well for anyone. It's pretty simple.


OP, Are you close to your mother? Do you have siblings?
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:09     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you're getting some rough treatment here.

FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.

I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.

As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.


Thanks - this is really helpful. You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option. My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "you should tell her that I know" instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me. and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to. I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.

I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here. People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.


Honestly, after seeing everything you wrote here, she probably thought there'd be hell to pay if you found out she knew.

What a silly, silly thing to not be able to trust someone over. Your husband put her in a really bad position, for which he owes her an apology.


I agree that he owes her an apology and put her in a bad position.

But I disagree that lying to someone about something because they'd be upset if they found out the truth is a reason to lie to someone... if anything, that is a reason you need to tell them the truth. I live by this principle and expect my spouse to as well. If his mother doesn't, that's fine, but I trust her less.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:09     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.


+1 But OP needs everyone to come to her with their heads hung low apologizing and even then she thinks things can never be as good as they *might* have been if everything had gone according to HER plan from Day 1. Then and only then would the MIL-DIL relationship have stood a chance to be a really good one.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:06     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.


My mother would choose differently, as would I. Lies are bad. Lying to your wife about something she cares about is very bad. That doesn't bode well for anyone. It's pretty simple.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:05     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
OP. I've posted before. I had a similar situation; I told my spouse we should tell my husband about my pregnancy and HE thought I meant we should tell them about the fact that I did IVF and was now pregnant. In-laws can't keep mouths shut, and repeat this detail of conception to many people (not that there is anything "wrong" with IVF, but in-laws are from highly Catholic family and have no sense of boundaries, so I thought it best not to share anything about ART).

Even though it was a mistake on husband's part, and was years ago, to this day it is still one of the big breaches in our marriage. We have in general a great relationship, but if you are a person who values trust and boundaries as it sounds like you do, I get why this is a biggie.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 14:00     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
OMG. OP. Holy crap. You are NOT hearing folks here.

OP, if you have a son, you may understand someday that your loyalty to him will trump your sense of responsibility to anyone else. So if your son tells you a secret and asks you to keep it a secret, you are going to protect his secret, even if you wish he wasn't keeping it a secret. Your loyalty will be to your child, not his wife or anyone else.

Your DH violated your trust by telling his mother a secret that you didn't want her to know yet. She stayed loyal to her son and protected the secret. She's a bad actress but she did nothing wrong...or, even if it was wrong to some degree, her loyalty to him trumps her sense of it being wrong to you. In short, she chose to wrong you in order to avoid wronging him.

I don't know any mother who would choose differently. Accept that your MIL will always be more loyal to your DH than to you. That's as it should be. But your DH should be more loyal to you than to his mom. HE is the only one you need to work anything out with. She owes you nothing, least of all an apology.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 13:56     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you're getting some rough treatment here.

FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.

I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.

As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.


Thanks - this is really helpful. You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option. My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "you should tell her that I know" instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me. and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to. I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.

I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here. People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.


Honestly, after seeing everything you wrote here, she probably thought there'd be hell to pay if you found out she knew.

What a silly, silly thing to not be able to trust someone over. Your husband put her in a really bad position, for which he owes her an apology.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 13:54     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you're getting some rough treatment here.

FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship. To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to. But I get that for some people that is hard.

I do think your DH betrayed your trust. First, he did something he said he wouldn't do. Then, he kept it from you for a long time. So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.

As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"? That seems like a major intrusion. Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.


Thanks - this is really helpful. You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option. My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "you should tell her that I know" instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me. and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to. I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.

I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here. People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.


Two things. MIL's loyalty is to her own child. He likely said 'just act like you didn't know.' And she's the one who went overboard with the phone call. She was just doing what she thought was the right thing to do at the time. You are not allowing her the benefit of the doubt. You are not trying to see past your own hurt feelings that she was put into an awkward situation.

Second, as big a deal as you're making this with DH you'd better be careful. As pp said, they may be small insignificant points to start with, but you are sending the message to DH that if he messes up or thinks you'll be displeased he should hide whatever "it" is or else face similar fallout. You think you're convincing him that honesty is the best policy but you're teaching him the opposite.

See a therapist is my advice in agreement with other pps.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 13:53     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with my DH and in-laws, including infertility, to the point I wondered if I had changed details and had actually posted this!

- We don't know how/ why the husband told the MIL (do we)?
- The issue is with the DH; he went out of the bounds of marriage and broke trust. Yes, it IS a big deal. Maybe the PPs who are saying "You are a ninny' are either weird,. in terrible relationships, or just trolling to be mean (I Guess the last one)
- Many in-law relationships change around pregnancy/first babies, so I wouldn't nec. ascribe everything to this lie (although it sounds like a biggie it may have happened anyway)
- It was a terrible think for your MIL to ask be lied about , and a terrible thing for him to agree to lie about (telling her about something going on in your body w/o your consent).
- If this is in anyway, shape or form emblematic of your relationship with your DH, I'd find a good therapist for help now- better to have overkill on something as important as trust and betrayal and your reproductive system (before you turn into a meanie poster yourself)!
- TO answer the matter at hand, I think you need to talk to your husband about whether the three of you speak together- your saying, I have already addressed DH's betrayal, he stands me up 100%, now I need to address yours b/c I want to have a real relationship with you or if your husband talks to her without you.
- I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with this woman, unless you are exceptionally good at forgiving and there is a real basis for solid relationship here (Which it sounds likethereis not after the last 2 years). Still if you feel like you are seething inside everytime you see her perhaps a conversation could get you to socially-less-difficult relationship.


Thanks. I already know the trolls are fierce in this forum so I expected it. I should probably just ignore.


No, no dummy, a troll isn't someone who disagrees with you or tells you something you don't like. A troll is someone who posts inflammatory or untrue things to purposefully start arguments. Understand now?
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2014 13:51     Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
therapy. people are telling you to let go because they would, they don't think it's that big of a deal. You are saying it is to you so fine, you need some help to get over it. Most people wouldn't.

of course your relationship could have been different if this hadn't happened... do you really need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you that? what's done is done, it's a waste of time to think about this because you can't change it and you'll never know. if you can't deal with that then therapy.