I am a family-oriented Dad...I met my wife online. It wasn't complicated to find each other: we both just talked.

I just wanted to share my story because it conflicts with a couple of the common tropes/myths being propagated here.

1) Faith based BS: We are both basically Pastafarians - Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - we are not "believers". The Corinthians snippet remains on target: we share this value, and more importantly, we share the same way of seeing and approaching the world (which does not involve the super-natural or mystical), and all this means is we have less (not zero) conflict. This isn't relevant to children, per-se, any more than it is to all aspects of a partnership. You can be totally non-religious and still meet this item.

2) Come from "family oriented" families BS. My wife comes from a small family, in which the nuclear family is pretty strong, intact and healthy. My ILs are fantastic. My ILs are both highly alienated from their families and had strained relationships with their own parents. I come from a dysfunctional family; I get along with my mother, but don't really like her and we have a...tightly choreographed relationship, none of which I hide from my wife or hid when we first met (I pretty much talked openly about it). Interestingly, my BIL also comes from a dysfunctional
FOO and like me, has a similarly strained relationship with his parents. All our "families" have in common a background of alienation and are driven by that - in a conscious choice - to create new, functional and happy families. I won't even start down the list of truly horrific, toxic and enmeshed crazy families who are "close" and "tight".

All we had to do to find each other was be up front - clear and direct - about what we wanted out of a relationship. Every one of the online dating systems has ample opportunities to talk about whether or not you want kids. I was the more family/child-driven of the two of us; my wife is an MD, and had arrived at the point where she thought kids might not happen for her and had made peace with that. Her career is more demanding than mine. We do share the load and we do share values. When you are evaluating a new partner, remember that talk - particularly overt "values" religiosity (for you scripture-quoters, why do these people always seem to forget Matthew 6:5?) - is cheap; listen to what they say and then see how well their actions match up with what they say. You're better off with someone who promises less but does what they say than anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know this is DCUM, where the 'M'-persuasion rules supreme here, and men are sized up for their 'daddy potential', but seriously.....?!

The fact that a man does not have, or want kids, DOES NOT mean he is not 'family-oriented' or a great provider. I think women spend too much time reading their biological clocks and sizing up 'daddy potential' instead of sizing up the good qualities that really make the man (honesty, integrity, kindness, protective, etc.). Not everyone will want to have parenting as part of their life story, but that does not mean that they are any less responsible or family-oriented than a man whose house looks like Noah's Ark.

Then again....where am I.....?....DCUM

I 'lol bet those who marry for the man have happier marriages than those who just marry for sperm. Remember ladies, you Want a life partner who will be there AFTER the kids leave. So many marriages fail after kids b/c Moms become too absorbed in motherhood rathe than finding balance that keeps their life partner happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married a man from India. He is very family oriented and a good provider.

And I married an Egyptian. I didn't set out for that to happen. But it's been the perfect mix for us.

Another person who married an Indian man. Notable was the fact that he had lots of friends with kids, and his the guy friends were for the most part very involved dads. Changed diapers, put the babies to bed, etc.

And I married a Bangladeshi guy. He's an amazing father and a great provider. All of his friends are very sweet and great dads.I'm so grateful I have him!!

My DH hated kids. Didn't want to hold babies. Looked at friends kids as an annoyance. Basically an early grumpy old man.

Now 10 years later and two kids, he is Mr. Family guy. He is self-employed so he goes to parent conferences, lunch with the kid days, coaches youth soccer, etc. He reads to them and helps with the homework and the housework (but we have a nanny too).

Midwesterner as others mentioned, though not sure how relevant that is. He grew up rather independent ("fix it yourself" was his parent's mantra whether it be a broken toy or a neighborhood argument).

When I once asked him to find a nice "man" for a friend of mine he replied that "all of your friends looking for the right 'man' are only attracted to and dating 'boys'. They've probably met the right man a dozen times but black flagged them for some silly superficial reason". Could see that with a few of my friends to be honest.

Anonymous wrote:PP, the women posting want kids so dating a guy who wouldn't is a dealbreaker and rightfully so.

Yeah. I don't need a provider. I provide for myself. I do want a man to build a family with.

PP, the women posting want kids so dating a guy who wouldn't is a dealbreaker and rightfully so.

OP, I know this is DCUM, where the 'M'-persuasion rules supreme here, and men are sized up for their 'daddy potential', but seriously.....?!

The fact that a man does not have, or want kids, DOES NOT mean he is not 'family-oriented' or a great provider. I think women spend too much time reading their biological clocks and sizing up 'daddy potential' instead of sizing up the good qualities that really make the man (honesty, integrity, kindness, protective, etc.). Not everyone will want to have parenting as part of their life story, but that does not mean that they are any less responsible or family-oriented than a man whose house looks like Noah's Ark.

Then again....where am I.....?....DCUM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At work

At work also.

If you chose a good guy that cares about you, the rest will fall into place.

I met mine in college and this is completely true. My DH loves and respects me. He wants me to be happy and does things for the family out of a place of love. We has never been selfish or superficial. When it comes to husbands, I've won the jackpot.

College is a great place to find a husband. You never will be around such a variety of smart, attractive, eligible people around your age with free time ever again.

So true. I snatched up my family man husband in college when he was working at a fast food restaurant. My husband was single when I met him, which was shocking to me, because he always seemed like a great catch. Plenty of other girls put him in the friend zone for being too unexciting and geeky. He's super sweet, he helps with the kids, reads more than anyone I know, and he will likely break a seven-figure income in the next several years. The flip-side is that he's got red hair and a face full of freckles, he's a little short, and he wears a calculator watch. But he's wonderful and I'm certain he would get snatched up in a second if something ever happened to our relationship.

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't believe this crap that Type A go getters don't make good family men. I am starting my own business and work hard at trying to be a good husband and father. What I will not do is play dumbassed face time games where you miss out on the kids because you are too scared to be "the first person who left for the day". If I were you, I would like for a guy doing volunteer work. At least you know the guy actually cares about helping others.

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't believe this crap that Type A go getters don't make good family men. I am starting my own business and work hard at trying to be a good husband and father. What I will not do is play dumbassed face time games where you miss out on the kids because you are too scared to be "the first person who left for the day". If I were you, I would like for a guy doing volunteer work. At least you know the guy actually cares about helping others.

I don't think you're the type pp's are referring to.

OP, don't believe this crap that Type A go getters don't make good family men. I am starting my own business and work hard at trying to be a good husband and father. What I will not do is play dumbassed face time games where you miss out on the kids because you are too scared to be "the first person who left for the day". If I were you, I would like for a guy doing volunteer work. At least you know the guy actually cares about helping others.

Anonymous wrote:I married a man from India. He is very family oriented and a good provider.

+1 . Best dad ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could just tell that the man I married would be an excellent father -- sensitive, intelligent and not really into hanging out with the guys. I was right. He's been a great dad to our three kids. On the flip side, he's not as Alpha as I'd sometimes like, but you can't have everything.

what do you mean by not as "Alpha"?

He's great, but he's just not the aggressive, risk-taking type. This tends to present as a problem at times in his career and in our sex life. Don't get me wrong, I love him. But sometimes I wish I wasn't the one making all the first moves and out-earning him. No one is perfect, though. I count my blessings.

I'm a new poster and I agree with this. I didn't read the whole thread so I'm sure there were people jumping all over you, but this has played out in my own life. Used to date the alpha, super business-y, aggressive types. They generally didn't treat me as well as they should have and more than one cheated. My husband is a kind, reserved, unassuming guy from a family of teachers in the South, unlike the DC-money types I dated before him. He's not a doormat - we stand up to each other equally - but he isn't aggressive at work and therefore not a high earner, isn't as social as I am, etc. On the other hand, though, he is a fabulous father and does more than his share around the house. For those of you who will jump in a say "my husband does too! And he's a biglaw partner!" I'm explaining MY experience. Of my friends, those who married the types we used to call "men of the people" in college - the in-your-face, fratty types - tend to be much less happy overall.

Mine moved into my group house and it turned out he was an Ivy League grad, liked to do the same kind of stuff as me, was Hotty McHotterson...I wasn't sure I wanted a family at first. I guess I lucked out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married a man from India. He is very family oriented and a good provider.

And I married an Egyptian. I didn't set out for that to happen. But it's been the perfect mix for us.

I dated an Egyptian from Cairo. Great guy - just didn't see a future.

Married a Filipino. We both had previous marriages, and were friends for years before we became romantically involved.