Wow, you have really put this lady on a pedestal and are using the image of her to beat yourself up. How well do you actually know her? I guarantee she's every bit as flawed as you are; she's just really good at hiding her flaws. Stop focusing on her so much and focus on yourself! Your kids love you for who you are.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, the Halloween costume thing seems a bit passive aggressive and unkind, if she knew you always bought them before.

OP here: i always had DH buy them because he's not artsy that way and i never had time to make them. she has always made her kids costumes, and all the kids have a whole little theme going. Just like she's always made her kids lunches (complete with designs on their napkins and sweet notes to the kids) and I've always tossed money at them to buy lunch. Just like I've always re-gifted something my kids don't play with anymore for their friends birthday parties and she's always bought the gift the same day she RSVPs. Just like I always toast frozen waffles on the weekends and she makes crepes from scratch.

She makes me realize I always do the absolute minimum for my kids and she does everything she absolutely can. She never treats my kids like stepkids - she treats them exactly like she treats her own kids.

I don't know, the Halloween costume thing seems a bit passive aggressive and unkind, if she knew you always bought them before.

oy. the favorite candy bit is too classic. Reminds me of the woman in the What To Expect movie who had the perfect pregnancy. I feel you OP. The question in front of you is: what do I do here? How do I decide how to feel? You can resent her. Wouldn't be hard, but would have bad effects on you and your kids. You can accept her. Or you can embrace her. You haven't said much about yourself and your goals in life and how you see yourself...but I think you should see her as an opportunity for personal growth for you, and embrace her for the godsend she is for your kids.

My ister is a social worker and she often says that no matter what, kids love their parents. Even through the worst crap. So you should keep that in mind. Your children's love for you is not what's at stake here. What is at stake (in the very long run, not immediately) is their respect for how you handle yourself around this person. It sounds like she is the sort of person who likes to stay busy, schedule herself to the hilt, and master a lot of things, and you're not. But it also sounds like she's willing to include you in her family as much as you will let her.

What do you have to do to feel worthy to stand alongside this woman as a different yet equally deserving of respect mother?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

Oh man, women like this are the WORST. I feel you, OP.

no, just no. you don't know what insecurities she has, what things are hard for her, etc. OR what WORK she does to overcome them. The WHOLE point of this is that negatively focusing on this woman and very much negatively focusing on yourself is never, ever going to help these feelings go away.

OP- it sounds to me like you feeling like you should want to do these things, you want to want to do these things but you don't actually want to do these things. That's FINE! It doesn't make her better, it makes her different. People are not a bullet point list of accomplishments, that's an empty life whether you are talking about career, kids, marathons, etc. Its just the surface- you can both be good people and parents and not put a value or comparative judgement on those.

Also, having support and love as a child will of course benefit you your whole life but at a certain point, you have to choose to be happy with yourself and your life or figure out how to fix it.

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

Oh man, women like this are the WORST. I feel you, OP.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I have also always felt like I was flawed in some way. I wonder to what degree it's about upbringing? The people I know who are awesome in every way -- organized, smart, kind, healthy -- usually have a great support system, a supportive extended family and got a lot of love as children. I had a friend in grad school like that -- she married an amazing guy, adopted a house full of amazing kids, runs marathons, wins awards for her research -- all backstopped by her wonderful extended family all of whom she just loves.

I'm a mass of insecurities, mostly generated by my childhood, and it's made me introverted and unsure of myself, uncomfortable entertaining, etc. We have no extended family to speak of and I feel trapped in my job, etc. I married a guy who isn't particularly nice to me, mostly because I didn't have the courage to feel like there was someone spectacular out there waiting for me.
I bet the new wife in this scenario was raised in a land of butterflies and marigolds, by fantastic people who always smelled like freshly baked bread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure that this woman admires something about you as well. Maybe she thinks you're really smart. Maybe she's grateful that you had those kids in the first place. She sounds like a sweet person who loves your children very much and is going to great lengths to make you feel welcomed and included. Lots of new wives don't do that. Lots of ex-wives don't do that either.

Reciprocate. Appreciate. Try to get to know her as a person separate from your ex-husband and stop fixating on your flaws.

Pretty much spot on.

I also agree with trying to focus on JUST the positive things. Think of it as a mental exercise that you don't let yourself think "but..........."- it actually works wonders. I have actively worked to make myself a very positive person and it really can become innate.

Sometimes people who look like they have it "all together' or that things don't phase them are just positive outlook people, when things aren't right they don't fixate on it so it appears like everything is easy or perfect when its not, its just that they put their energy where there is good and not let the bad drain them

OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

I'm a neuroscientist. I once went to a conference where the Dalai Lama was speaking. Stood in line for hours, etc. The huge room was packed. Topic was "neuroscience of meditation."

The very first thing he said was how intimidated he was to be speaking to us, a bunch of scientists, about the brain, a topic we were expert in. He made quite a big deal of it. It was really amazing, considering how awed we all were by HIS presence, to imagine that he could be awed by US in any way.

I think now how much wisdom there was in his starting that way, how by admitting that he made it a different type of conversation than if he hadn't started on that personal note.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure that this woman admires something about you as well. Maybe she thinks you're really smart. Maybe she's grateful that you had those kids in the first place. She sounds like a sweet person who loves your children very much and is going to great lengths to make you feel welcomed and included. Lots of new wives don't do that. Lots of ex-wives don't do that either.

Reciprocate. Appreciate. Try to get to know her as a person separate from your ex-husband and stop fixating on your flaws.

Pretty much spot on.

I also agree with trying to focus on JUST the positive things. Think of it as a mental exercise that you don't let yourself think "but..........."- it actually works wonders. I have actively worked to make myself a very positive person and it really can become innate.

Sometimes people who look like they have it "all together' or that things don't phase them are just positive outlook people, when things aren't right they don't fixate on it so it appears like everything is easy or perfect when its not, its just that they put their energy where there is good and not let the bad drain them

+1

Well said. This is me.