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Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

Anonymous wrote:Bluffing? You shared vows with this person! Why would you devote time and energy to someone outside your marriage? Think back, did you ever think it would come to this?
It not fair to DW or OW to do this. The time and effort spent on someone else should be devoted to trying to solve this.
What you describe is a threat. If you want to do it that way threaten divorce.
If DH came to me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not want to be a part of it. I have the right to a healthy STD free life.

Anonymous wrote:I have been a passenger on this train and I do not reccomend telling your DW that you have a potential person in mind. Why would you want her to wonder about who this "prize" is all the time?
As a spouse I would obviously think the emotions affair is already in play. DONT do that!!!

Anonymous wrote:explain the situation to her and see what she says and get back to us

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I think women often marry men who are "marriage material" and overlook the fact that there is no sexual chemistry. It's really a deception and leads to this kind of situation.

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OP here, I know this sounds like rationalization, but there is a part of me that thinks a discreet affair is kinder to my DW than pushing forward with a divorce. She is a SAHM, she says she is happy in the marriage. Isn't it better to find a way to pull this off and still be a good husband and father? Would she really want her world blown apart, have to be one of the few divorced women in the mom's club, etc. just so I can be "honest" with her? Seems like one way to look at this is a discreet affair is easier to her than it would be to me to the the "right" thing and divorce her.

Why don't you allow her the opportunity to make that decision herself?

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I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

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Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

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Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.

OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.

OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.

It seems that you blame your own unhappiness on your father, even though all your evidence is just a belief.

I'm not unhappy at all. My dad is the unhappy one. Mom is upset over the cheating but much happier overall now. It makes me sad that my relationships with my parents are not as strong as they were but they do not see it that way. There is evidence of the affairs. I found some of it, mom and sister found others of it. Don't kid yourself to think you will not get caught. I disapprove of my dad's lies with relationships so its hard having a real conversation with him as you can tell he's not always telling the truth to try to make himself look good now.

So you would prefer that your parents had divorced? In that case, you were likely not going to be close to your father either, if you remembered him at all. Moreover, if your mother remarried, your life would be bad if the stepfather turned out to be bad.