Sex is important in marriage- the importance of desire, passion, orgasms cannot be overestimated.

No I'm not naive about the day to day of marriage, but too many people make excuses for the lack passion in their relationships and want to blame the person who wants these things. Sex is one of the top human "drives" and it is important. Good sex will solve or mitigate issues and stress in a marriage because if someone is giving you a regular orgasm you tend to like and tolerate them a bit better.

OP you need to talk with your wife again- try to make to work so that you are both happy with your sex lives. Do everything you can- if it just doesn't work, be honest, ethical and get a divorce- none of that open marriage bs. That will work awesome until she falls apart in despair or decides to have her own open marriage fling- my guess is that you're not going to like it if your wife f$cks someone else in this arrangement.

Morale of the story is that 'kids ruin everything' as crude as that sounds. In your 20s you dream of getting married and starting a family; in your 30s you realize that there are trade-offs between good parenting and good marriage; in your 40s you either get out quickly and enjoy the next 30 years of your life, or you stay and continue the balancing act so you can rekindle the romance in your 50s and 60s. Marriage and kids are not for everyone people, and you should make sure you understand yourself fully and what makes you happy, before you decide on either or both. You will scar people for life if you don't.

OP I really sympathize, but do what will make you happy over the long-term (stay or leave); your life....your choice.

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

You said you fell out of love with her. That's totally different than just not being satisfied. For that reason, I say serve the papers. Give her a little more than we've grown apart though.

I was in your situation and I talked to my ex-wife about it. She begged me to stay, said we'd figure it out and all of that. The first talk was at year 3, the second at year 5, and then by the time we'd gotten to year 9 I'd given up. I realized that too much time had passed for me to leave. I stayed, but she only got 50% of what she used to get romantically. It wasn't a choice, just happened. I was phoning that side of it in, but I was 100% there as a husband and dad.

She eventually saw through it at year 10 and she fell apart. She said she felt like she ruined my life. I tried to convince her otherwise, but it didn't work. She actually ended up cheating with some random person. A big part of me feels like she did it just to give me the final push to leave.

Long story, but just go.

Dude, this is a seriously sad story. Hope you are doing better now.

Man here,

You said you fell out of love with her. That's totally different than just not being satisfied. For that reason, I say serve the papers. Give her a little more than we've grown apart though.

I was in your situation and I talked to my ex-wife about it. She begged me to stay, said we'd figure it out and all of that. The first talk was at year 3, the second at year 5, and then by the time we'd gotten to year 9 I'd given up. I realized that too much time had passed for me to leave. I stayed, but she only got 50% of what she used to get romantically. It wasn't a choice, just happened. I was phoning that side of it in, but I was 100% there as a husband and dad.

She eventually saw through it at year 10 and she fell apart. She said she felt like she ruined my life. I tried to convince her otherwise, but it didn't work. She actually ended up cheating with some random person. A big part of me feels like she did it just to give me the final push to leave.

Long story, but just go.

I read 23:48 as saying that her husband would not like it if she were faking interest. That is what my DH has said. Not only does he want frequency (daily), he wants me to want it so he doesn't feel badly. Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:I knew my husband was feeling rejected,but wasn't about to have sex if it was going to involve me faking being interested.

Overall it is good to hear that you aware of, and working on, your low drive.
But I must say the sentence above I find to be textbook sexual laziness.
In marriage, I do many things that I'm not especially "interested" in doing.
Why do I? Because those things are important to my partner.

Instead of allowing your low drive to dictate your sexlife, consider this.
Talk with your husband and agree on a "good" sexual frequency.
Let's say this is twice per week.
Since your own sex drive might not be sufficient to sustain a 2X per week frequency,
you may well have to "fake" some interest.
That may sound bad to you but consider what happens if you don't.
Instead of a "good" frequency, sex becomes a "less than good" frequency.
While you might not be too affected (or even aware) this is happening, I assure you H deeply affected.

Low drive female NP here. I also have kids 5 and 7. Like your wife I was never feeling up to sex during pregnancy or breast feeding. E.g., my breasts, which had been part of how I felt sexy, became 1) full of milk and 2) associated with my baby...so not a turn-on in bed!
In addition to the counseling suggestion, I want to suggest that you explore whether birth control is affecting her libido. Here is an article from the ny times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/10/health/10cons.html?_r=0
I had the Miruna IUD until I read up on how it too can impact libido (the above article is about pills though). My doctor here, different from the doctor that had put it in, agreed that it has a reputation for decreasing desire. I decided to have it removed. I figured I could trade in my handy birth control if it would help my marriage; I knew my husband was feeling rejected,but wasn't about to have sex if it was going to involve me faking being interested.
Did it help to remove the IUD? Yes,partly. One month later I had some raging desires that my husband enjoyed. Since then the improvement is mild but I"ll take it. Another thing that helps is being attuned to the time of the month when my desire spikes. You could track it if you follow her cycle. My DH is kind of clueless so I try to be mindful Of it and then strike while the iron is hot , I.e., initiate it.