Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

I think there are more special need kids because the ages people are having kids, Ivy parents especially.

Younger parents are so much more easy going. It seems like the older parents want to force their college success on young kids because they are too impatient realizing they aren't going to be around to see much? I don't know. But the older parents with one kid seem to just be the worst IMO

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Anonymous wrote:Did she say he's 7???

SEVEN????

Sigh.

OP, please update us when the child's in middle school at least. He's barely started elementary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Good article. Also, it is short.

There is a question at the end of the article, who do you relate to? I don't relate to anybody in the story, thank my lucky stars.

Who do YOU relate to?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Good article. Also, it is short.

There is a question at the end of the article, who do you relate to? I don't relate to anybody in the story, thank my lucky stars.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to say that I get what you are saying. I also think that the posters here being cruel to you have almost certainly not walked a mile (or even a foot) in your shoes.

I commend you for being honest. I also want to say that genes are weird. My husband and I are both university professors at a top school (not in DC) and we know many professor couples with kids. Many of these professors are world famous, up for the nobel prize, graduated top of their class at MIT, Harvard, etc.

Some of these professors have really bright kids. But a surprising number do not. They go to average schools, take non academic jobs. One I can think of , of two of the most successful people out there, skipped college and went into the military.

You could say it's because these people were too busy to parent their children. Occasionally that might be a contributing factor. But honestly, genes are weird. What I am trying to say OP is that you are not alone.

When we had our first child, I tried to think that my goal was to have a child that was comfortable in his own skin and a good person. But even so, when I first saw my son, he had a certain look in his eye, and I confess a tiny part of me was relieved -- I realized he was "one of us." -- ie intellectual. Not sure how I knew, but I did. And to the extent I can tell -- he is still a preschooler, I am right. Loves books, math, very focused, etc. Things may still go differently, but right now they do not.

I think it is only natural not necessarily to have a narrow view of success for your child, but to want a child you can relate to and parent naturally. So I understand the difficulty in having that not be the case. And I don't fault you, at all.

I hope that by being honest here (and thinking about this issue) you can think about how to relate to your son as you said. Maybe you can find an activity you enjoy together. If you can phrase it in this way, and hope that your son will be the best that he can offer to this world, you will be a fabulous, and I'd like to think proud parent.

We are set to have another child and I am gearing up for this all over again. OP, I hope I can be honest as you are and use that to be a good parent. My best to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptive parent and often hear other adoptive parents lament that they really wanted a biological child to "be like them", "look like them", "have a reflection of themselves" and I believe that's true for the majority of people. it doesn't end with just looks either. People want all their best qualities to be reflected in their child and reasonably expect that to happen - including intellect. So I really do understand what the OP is saying.

This can easily cross the line into parental narcissism. A parent wanting to "have a reflection of myself" (in whatever way) is looking to the kid for mirroring and validation. That's not what children are for.

We all struggle with this. I have to continually remind myself to see my child for who she is, not what I want her to be or what I want her to reflect back at me. She's not an extension of me.

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