We dated for 2.5 years before getting engaged and then were together for another year before marriage. After about a year, we started joining family events as a couple. We had 2.5 years of family events to gauge what our soon-to-be-inlaws were like, so we went into the marriage knowing what the status quo would be. Both sides have issues, but we deal with both sets of inlaws as a family unit and we prioritize our own nuclear family. To make things easier, we discuss and then the spouse that is related to the inlaws handles the communication of our family priorities to the extended family. But we do get along with both sides well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you who are saying, "I wish I thought about it more" - presumably you were in love (deeply) with your spouse when you married. (Right?!?!) So assuming that, are you seriously saying that thinking that his family would be a pain in the ass would have altered your decision to marry?

I'm the "should have been a bitch to MIL since Day One" poster. I should have set some clear cut boundaries and been less focused upon trying to make sure she liked me. I kind of did the hard sell and presented myself in a way that belied my high need for independence. Through the years, I've learned that my MIL is a self absorbed narcissist who rules her family with an iron fist. I should have kept her at arms length.

You are not alone. I don't take my MIL seriously, at all.

Anonymous wrote:His family lives abroad and doesn't speak English. Best in laws ever

Amen!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most attractive things about my husband was his lack of extended family.

I think that is the least romantic thing I have ever heard.

Different poster here. I get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thought about it. First, my parents always advised us to look at the family situation of any candidate. Seeing what they grew up with will help you understand what you are getting into. Also, my spouse was the fourth child in the family to get married. So I had a few years of watching the interaction with other DILs.

Spouse's family has been a gift from God. There were some minor issues early on, but we get along great and have for the past 15 years.

Agree. DH and I were the first ones in our generations to marry. No opportunity to watch interactions with DILs or grandchildren. MIL turned out to be a nosy Parker and a trouble maker. FIL is a total doormat.

Different poster her. No other DILs in my family, unfortunately. Really, really unfortunate!

Anonymous wrote:My MIL became much meaner after we got married. I think since now I was a real family member, she could take the gloves off.

My DH is wonderful so even though she's a difficult person, he's more than worth it. She's also not mean to her grandchildren, and is a very doting, loving grandmother. She's just mean to everyone else in the family. That's the only thing that saves her because if was rude or mean to my kids she'd see a lot less of us.

+1

Mine, too. I tend to believe that this is common of mean MILs, who think they can say what they want, when they want; without regard for how the younger generations see them. Quite foolish.

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Were you happy about joining your spouse's family? Or did you just think that you can be married to your spouse without having to deal with his/her family?

They seemed nice enough. But during wedding planning, a few things came up, that made me realize how selfish, needy and not so nice the ILs can be, and that really shed light on their family; and the stuff they refuse to address. So there is that. I suppose they did me a favor, in that regard.

Also, during wedding planning, I thought about toasts for some reason, and realized that the ILs don't know anything about DH and I to toast. It made me kind of sad.

On the whole, they are extremely insular and odd, and don't bother with us much, and they make it clear they don't include us. I have come to learn that my DH married someone opposite his mom for many good reasons.

I think the ILs matter as much as you let them, OP.

I should have given it more thought. Not only did they become overbearing once we were married in a way they weren't when DH and I were only dating, but as pp noted, it would have shed a lot more light on DH himself. There were behaviors and attitudes that didn't seem like a big deal at the time but now I realize that they were deeply ingrained and maybe we wouldn't have fought so much. I wish I had understood him more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

Me too. Also, it's one thing for these nutty people to be your in-laws. When they become your children's grandparents, it's a whole new ball game. I did not think about that at all and really regret it.

What difference would it have made? Would you not marry your spouse?

A lot, and I'm glad I did. We were very practical in our decision to marry, in addition to loving each other. I don't regret it at all.

My MIL became much meaner after we got married. I think since now I was a real family member, she could take the gloves off.

My DH is wonderful so even though she's a difficult person, he's more than worth it. She's also not mean to her grandchildren, and is a very doting, loving grandmother. She's just mean to everyone else in the family. That's the only thing that saves her because if was rude or mean to my kids she'd see a lot less of us.

Didn't think about it too much since my parents seemed like the crazy ones before the marriage and ILs were lovely. After the children came along, we faced the the opposite dynamic - ILs became very needy and my own parents are much less needy. I would have never in a million years predicted this outcome. Luckily, DH and I are on the same page and that is what matters most.

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Were you happy about joining your spouse's family? Or did you just think that you can be married to your spouse without having to deal with his/her family?

I have not read the full thread but ... I had cold feet and couldn't imagine postponing the wedding because I felt so connected to DH's family. Now I wish I had better understood the family. MIL is controlling and wants to be in all of our business. So, you can consider it all you want but not fully understand anything until you've been around officially for a while.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2

+1,000

Same

Agree.

Me too. Also a lot of their family issues/history were kept from me until we had been married for some time. Things like depression, suicide, Physical/emotional, and drug and alcohol abuse. Had I known all of this before the marriage it would have shed light on some of DH's behaviors that didn't seem like such a big deal, but now are becoming problematic. Had I known the history, more red flags would've been raised early on.

Plus a million.

His family lives abroad and doesn't speak English. Best in laws ever