My husband nearly died after an alcohol poisoning incident. That was nearly 2 years ago. When he first joined AA, I stopped drinking too. I thought he would be grateful that I was trying to help him be successful in his struggle. He never thanked me & it has caused a serious rift between us. Also, I attended 2 meetings with him as a show of support, but soon realized it just wasn’t right for me. Now I’m feeling like his sponsor has influenced him to the extent that he is condescending & critical toward me. It’s making me miserable.

2013 is back ! Please look at the date chumps

This site has a lot of fiction writers who like to take on characters

Mine decides to go to meetings, when he gets mad at me about something, almost to punishment me. Or when he gets irritated, he’ll tell me that he’s gonna hit a meeting tomorrow…

He’s often too tired after work to do anything but he’ll sure shower and gussy up for a meeting. Then after, he’s got nothing left. Eat. Tired again.

He goes on Sunday mornings to meetings instead of going to church with me. I feel rejected and lonely. He also goes to NA meetings sometimes. I think he likes the edgy people/women there. He seems excited when the meetings a full of people and newcomers. Makes me feel like he’s shopping for something/one new. Certainly gets new female Facebook friends from AA all the time. Most of the women are single but I’m supposed to be ok with it cause they’re from AA.

Just wish he would go to church or for a hike or mow the lawn, fix some things around the house, or do something together as a couple instead of catching a meeting. Seems very self absorbed to me.

Usually while he’s at a meeting, I stay home and clean the house, do chores, cook, etc. Then sometimes I resent doing the chores. Guess I need to find a good book or something fun. He acts like I should just magically have a friend or something to do on the spur, whenever he decides to hit a meeting. Gets old. Just wish he was a normie like me.
Cant believe I’m ranting about this at my age. Ugh!

I have MS and use a wheelchair which he admits he used as a way to drink heavily when I was out the way. We were foster carers too and I now wish I had reported him as an inappropriate adult. He is dry now and in the beginning went to loads of meetings. He admits he is resentful about aspects of life and now does AA related things 5 days a week leaving little time for our marriage as we now foster 2 very young children. I have complained and he is reluctantly stopping the Saturation night meeting.
I have thought about leaving him and his moods many times but that would be hard with 2 young children plus disability so I won’t. I feel trapped with a selfish, moody manipulative man.

Happy new year!

2024!

Let’s keep it going!

Anonymous wrote:God bless everyone. I’m going through the same thing with my wife. I asked to go with her the other night when it was sprung on me after a nice dinner. She said no, it’s only for alcoholics. It’s definitely a strain on our marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Would your wife be willing to see a counselor with you? I think alcoholics can have a lot of shame surrounding the things they have done, and being so vulnerable in an AA meeting with other alcoholics is one thing, but saying those things out loud to your spouse is another. I don't think it means she doesn't care about you, but maybe she just feels like she isn't ready to say what she says in meetings to your face. That's not a flaw on her part or on yours, it's just really hard.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.

As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through. I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps. The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar.

I suggested therapy and I really, really urge you to do it to address the above. It is very hard to understand the mindset of an addict, but a counselor with experience in this area can help you with this. You don't have to do Al-Anon, just find a counselor who deals with spouses of addicts. For some people group therapy just doesn't work, and that's fine!

If you don't like Al Anon (I didn't either), then get yourself a therapist so you can talk to someone about this. It's A LOT to shoulder the burden of an alcoholic spouse, and your feelings are NOT strange or bad. I can tell you this over the internet but it would be more helpful if you found someone you could talk to in real life who can help you with this. You are entitled to getting help on your end as well. Even though your husband is an alcoholic and he needs to attend AA meetings, you also need support. That person can also hopefully help you address this with your kids. There are ways to inform them of what's happening in age-appropriate ways.

I'll share my experience - I got sober without AA. I did do daily meetings at first but I haven't been to one now in months. I guess I sort of had what is sometimes called spontaneous sobriety.

I'm not knocking AA, but it's not the only way. I don't know how you introduce that concept, however. Especially if you want your husband to stay sober.

I wish you luck.

Anonymous wrote:My husband was an alcoholic when I met him. We’ve been through a tremendous amount of tough situations due to the drinking, arrests, incarcerations and everything else that comes with it. He has also “quit” drinking many times and for up to 5 years, but he’s always gone back to it. The most recent example was when our daughter really needed his help and he was too drunk to come to her aid. That made him go to AA. That was about a year ago. He has become cold, distant and today told me that he wants to separate for a while. I’m absolutely heartbroken, because I still love him. I feel as though this is due to AA somehow. We have been together for 30 years and now he wants to try living apart because he tells me I stress him out. I’m so broken. Life without him seems unimaginable, even after everything we’ve been through. How do I go on? I just want to try and make things better somehow.

Your DH is doing you and your kids a huge favor by wanting to separate, even if you can’t see it yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand your feelings. It sounds like your husband may now be addicted to AA and is putting his emotional energy there to the detriment of other areas of life. On the one hand, it's wonderful that he's getting help and taking it seriously.

On the other hand, however, it sounds like your relationship has not recovered in the wake of his sobriety. He is still not present in your life. Have you discussed his progress with him? It sounds like in his searching and fearless moral inventory, he needs to be considering the effects of his addiction and recovery on his family life.

In my personal opinion, in the morning and the evening is too much. He needs to be present for his family during the times when his family needs him. If you are worn out as a result of his morning absences, that is a problem. If your kids are upset about his absences in the evening, that is also a problem.

This is also how I read OP's post, so HER going to meetings is not going to help the connection between her and DH or DH and the kids or lack of time together as a couple or familhy. And it sounds like DH is not aware of the issue or is comfortable with being on the periphery of the family. That is what seemingly needs to shift. There are Zoom meetings in different time zones, it seems like there can be a balance struck.

OP are you even comfortable raising this or does it feel like you are walking on eggshells? It's understandable that you expect time and emotional connection from your DH as do the kids from their father. His sobriety and any related work ideally should be enabling him to be a good father and husband. Maybe some individual work on his part with a therapist who focuses on addiction and attachment issues could facilitate that with the goal of being more present for the family/spouse?

I have known people who really benefit from 12 step groups but for some it can be kind of culty, I'm not surprised by the PP who said a sponsor suggested a retreat with a 1 week old, yikes.

Wishing you and your family the best, OP. Strengthening those bonds and the marital rx that underlies it all have to be prioritized too and that takes time and balancing. If DH is avoidant out of shame or some other issue that may benefit from individual therapy.

OP is unlikely to respond to a post she made a decade ago.

Not sure who is boosting such old threads.

My husband was an alcoholic when I met him. We’ve been through a tremendous amount of tough situations due to the drinking, arrests, incarcerations and everything else that comes with it. He has also “quit” drinking many times and for up to 5 years, but he’s always gone back to it. The most recent example was when our daughter really needed his help and he was too drunk to come to her aid. That made him go to AA. That was about a year ago. He has become cold, distant and today told me that he wants to separate for a while. I’m absolutely heartbroken, because I still love him. I feel as though this is due to AA somehow. We have been together for 30 years and now he wants to try living apart because he tells me I stress him out. I’m so broken. Life without him seems unimaginable, even after everything we’ve been through. How do I go on? I just want to try and make things better somehow.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand your feelings. It sounds like your husband may now be addicted to AA and is putting his emotional energy there to the detriment of other areas of life. On the one hand, it's wonderful that he's getting help and taking it seriously.

On the other hand, however, it sounds like your relationship has not recovered in the wake of his sobriety. He is still not present in your life. Have you discussed his progress with him? It sounds like in his searching and fearless moral inventory, he needs to be considering the effects of his addiction and recovery on his family life.

In my personal opinion, in the morning and the evening is too much. He needs to be present for his family during the times when his family needs him. If you are worn out as a result of his morning absences, that is a problem. If your kids are upset about his absences in the evening, that is also a problem.

This is also how I read OP's post, so HER going to meetings is not going to help the connection between her and DH or DH and the kids or lack of time together as a couple or familhy. And it sounds like DH is not aware of the issue or is comfortable with being on the periphery of the family. That is what seemingly needs to shift. There are Zoom meetings in different time zones, it seems like there can be a balance struck.

OP are you even comfortable raising this or does it feel like you are walking on eggshells? It's understandable that you expect time and emotional connection from your DH as do the kids from their father. His sobriety and any related work ideally should be enabling him to be a good father and husband. Maybe some individual work on his part with a therapist who focuses on addiction and attachment issues could facilitate that with the goal of being more present for the family/spouse?

I have known people who really benefit from 12 step groups but for some it can be kind of culty, I'm not surprised by the PP who said a sponsor suggested a retreat with a 1 week old, yikes.

Wishing you and your family the best, OP. Strengthening those bonds and the marital rx that underlies it all have to be prioritized too and that takes time and balancing. If DH is avoidant out of shame or some other issue that may benefit from individual therapy.

People, this is a nearly TEN YEAR OLD thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you married the alcoholic. Sometimes you find out you are not compatible with the sober version.

This is so profoundly ignorant. My husband didn’t drink when I met him. It wasn’t even on my radar as a potential issue bc there were absolutely zero flags around alcohol w him. Zero. It started six years into the marriage.

I think the original PP made a very valid point, that is very true.

But it ISN’T true. Most people don’t marry people they already know are alcoholics.