Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)
I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"
No! Please do not cave into your manipulative mom! This will only positively reinforce her bad behavior. If you cave, get ready for more blackmailing down the road!
The approach I suggested (an informal middle name) is not caving. It is a gesture of compromise. If I've learned anything over my 55 years, it is that you can't fight unreasonableness with a response of the same nature. Identifying the crux of the problem and suggesting a solution can be disarming, and in any case will give you peace of mind that you did all you could. If you refuse to 'cave' in any way at all it will leave neither of you any options for a future relationship. If that's what you want, okay, but it's not a creative solution.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)
I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"
No! Please do not cave into your manipulative mom! This will only positively reinforce her bad behavior. If you cave, get ready for more blackmailing down the road!
Anonymous wrote:Well, it's already permanently ruined in her mind, right? So go with the name you chose and take this as an eye-opener about what NPD really looks like. Consider seeing a therapist to support you on this parenting journey and help you with the oodles of boundaries you are going to need to set if you don't want to let your family life be all about your mother.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if she has dementia. A normal person does not act that way over something so trivial. Would she really limit her own access to her grandchild because of something so stupid?
See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.
OP here. I don't think it's dementia. She's always been into emotional blackmail. She has a lot of the traits of the 'engulfing mother' on the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. She remembers things in a manner that suits her and then tells everyone else that they're wrong if they try to tell her what really happened, she's done this for as long as I can remember. If I disagree with her, she can't imagine that I would do so out of free will and blames external sources (friends, the media, especially DH).
But, I totally agree that she needs therapy and/or medication. I've suggested it in the past but she doesn't think there is anything wrong. My dad has a hard time standing up to her, unfortunately.
I think in the end she will want to be around DC and try to act like a civil human being, but I don't think things will ever be the same between us. She'll always hold a grudge over the name and probably make remarks about it for the rest of her life. She'll probably always cause drama w/ DH's family. And, I'll always remember how she acted right before DC was born.
Having a baby is supposed to be an exciting, happy time. Instead, I'm just sad, disappointed, and above all angry. I'm trying not to let her ruin the experience for me but it's very hard.
Anonymous wrote:This really is pretty straightforward. You and your husband have the right to decide on the names of your offspring.
Anonymous wrote:OP again: @14"05 and pp she quoted: My relationship with my mom has always been filled with lots of drama. I understand what you're saying and believe me I've considered changing it to the family name just to end the drama. But, I think the damage is already done and also my DH told his parents the name after I told mine and they really like it.
At this point, I'm considering just changing it to something completely different. I talked to my mom today and she basically said this has caused a rift and there's pretty much there is nothing I can do, because even if I change it to the family name, she'll always remember that I considered not using it.
I hope her feelings will fade with time because I think her reaction is disproportionate to the situation.
Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)
I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"