Anonymous wrote:Last post:

http://mdbeau.blogspot.com/2006/02/another-perspective.html

Anonymous wrote:Last post:

http://mdbeau.blogspot.com/2006/02/another-perspective.html

Anonymous wrote:Hi. I haven't read through all seven pages of this thread because:
1. Have three small kids and limited time
2. Reading about terminating a kid like mine isn't top on my list of fun things to do
So, sorry if I'm repeating anything already said.

We have a four year old daughter with Ds. She's sandwiched between an older sister (2 years, 3 months older) and a younger brother (2 years, 3 months younger). While I do agree that Kelle Hampton doesn't share all aspects of having a child with Down syndrome, I will say that we love our daughter very much and get much feel our lives are blessed by having her in them. We do not view her as a burden. Her life, and by extension ours, is different than we had planned, but it isn't "worse". Milestones are missed, but when they are attained the celebrating is much grander than with either our "typs". Her speech is harder to decipher, but when she says, "mama, I love you," you better believe I understand and, knowing how much work we out into that, feel the reward to the nth degree.

I cannot tell the OP what decision to make. Sometimes I feel we are burdened with too much information. We are robbed of the ability to just live the life we are given because we actually have the option to "decide". We are also bombarded by misinformation, especially from doctors. I'd suggest you check out NDSS or NDSC for accurate information. Old information is scary and limiting. Kids with Ds go to college and live independently. They have jobs other than baggers in the grocery store. Not that any of that is terrible, it's just no longer necessarily accurate.

I remember writing to someone years ago who had a wonky prenatal screening. I told her, and I will tell you, I understand where you're coming from. I've been you. I once thought Down syndrome was something to fear. I didn't know what our lives would hold. I thought our eldest was going to have her world rocked. I thought we would have a completely Different life. I thought that because I didn't know; I didn't live it. As someone who is now with a living, breathing person with Ds I can tell you, it isn't scary. I am still me. We are still us. Our family is what we always would be, just with a slight difference. Your kid is the same kid they were yesterday and the same kid they'll be tomorrow and if you chose to continue your pregnancy, you will be fine. You will be awesome!

Lastly, please note that those in the disability community prefer people first language. Kids with Ds are people first ~ so not "Down(s) kids". Small change is language, big change in mind set.

My friend had a prenatal DX and did not terminate. She went on to adopt domestically. Her blog is Two Blue Eyed Beauties.
And now I have to go cook dinner, so I'm sorry if this is disjointed or filled with grammar and spelling errors.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not been in your shoes but I feel for you. My first child has special needs (cerebral palsy, due to a brain injury at birth) and I wonder what I would do if I found out another child was going to have SN too. I am pro-choice but philosophically against abortion when the parents are not choosing whether to have a child but rather trying to choose what kind of child to have. But, I am realistic enough to know that that philosophy might not actually mean I wouldn't consider termination if I had bad test results for a future pregnancy. After all this is one of the reasons I'm pro-choice--a choice about a pregnancy is incredibly agonizing and personal, and I dont think anyone else who is not her has the right to make that decision for her.

Anyway, my only advice is that I'm reading this book called Far From the Tree about kids who are significantly different from their parents in a variety of ways. There are chapters on dwarfism, autism, schizophrenia, prodigies, multiple severe disabilities, Down Syndrome, and several other things. It's very thought-provoking. Anyway if you are looking for reading material I'd suggest looking at the first chapter and then the Down Syndrome chapter.

Anonymous wrote:

once I see a heartbeat and the baby is moving around, that baby is alive.

For me, once I see a heartbeat and the FETUS is moving around, that FETUS is a living parasite. I don't mean parasite in a gross way, but that's what a fetus is. It is living off of another living thing, and can't live independently. I terminated. Aborted. Whatever you want to call it. I don't feel badly about the decision at all. We also have a first child, and one of the things we had to think about was how it would impact him.

I reached out to a girl I grew up with whose sister has Downs, and asked her about her experience growing up, and now with her, as adults. Obviously, she loves her sister very much. But what she described to me is not what I want for the child we already have. Her parents separated for a few years from the stress. She was teased relentlessly (which I found interesting because I remember her sister and remember everyone standing up for her and being kind to her). She didn't get much attention from her parents, who had to give so much attention to the other daughter.

We thought about what kind of couple we are, what kind of family we're trying to create, how comfortable we are bending that, how well a baby/child/teen with Downs would fit in, how much patience we have, etc. We thought about the very real possibility of having to care for this child well into their adult years, about the burden of caring for him/her falling to our older child. We made the right decision for us. I don't think anyone who chooses to keep a fetus that may have DS is making the wrong decision. It just has to be the right decision for you.

Anonymous wrote:I had wanted children for years but the high cost of living in DC and the lack of family support here hindered us from trying until later. I was finally pg with my first at 39, and all my co-workers who had had children later said of course you get the amnio just to make sure, but it will be fine. Of course, their's were fine, mine was T21. I was devastated because I truly felt that wouldn't happen. Of course, that was a stupid conclusion. Anyway, my dh and I had predecided that we would terminate for Downs, and that is what we did. It was hard, and it's still hard, but I do not regret my decision. We went on to have two beautiful, happy and healthy children. Someone said something earlier about a Down child having something wrong with their head. That is incorrect. There is something wrong with every cell in their body, and it is something that will never get better. I am not advocating, just telling my story. It is a place I would not wish for anyone to be because I was there. We console ourselves that we would not have had our particular children if we had kept our first because each egg in your body brings a unique child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a sibling with special needs. It's not downs. But he will need to be taken care of for the rest of his life. The financial models expect him to live to be 75. He will outlive my parents and will even outlive ME. (I am significantly older).

This is a terrible burden on my parents, who have had to scrimp and save and plan to ensure that there are funds to care for him. It will be a burden on my siblings too. Until you have lived it, you cannot even imagine the ways in which this responsibility has taken over their lives and, to be honest, destroyed their happiness, although they would never admit that out loud.


I personally would not have a child with serious special needs. I had the tests with my last pregnancy because I was over 35. I knew when I went for the tests that if there was anything significantly wrong, I would terminate. I have seen first hand what life is like for the child, the parents, the marriage, and the family of a seriously SN child and I know it is not a life I would wish on anyone.

How "serious" downs is, and how serious it is in this case, I don't know. But the best of luck to you with whatever you choose to do.

My uncle has special needs and cannot care for himself. However, I have a completely opposite view than the poster above. A "special needs" person is still capable of giving and receiving love. My Uncle has taught me alot about appreciating people regardless of their disabilities. I also think having him in my life has made me a more compassionate person. I would never submit to genetic testing, much less abort a pregnancy over the results. The way I look at it, everything happens for a reason and having a special needs child isn't the end of the World. Imagine if you were in an accident that resulted in you being physically or mentally handicapped, would you want your loved ones to give up on you?

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that it took until page 3 or 4 for the rudies to come out. OP, I have nothing to add, other than that I wish you and your DH the best and I hope you don't have to make the decision.