Anonymous
Post 05/10/2014 02:41     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
To the guy trying to help his wife. Do your best be supportive honest helping
BUT
Realize that she must do, and want to do it for herself. No amount of outside pressure will make a lasting positive change.

-polychromatic
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 22:25     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ex told me he was no longer attracted to me and divorced me.

Not much detail given but let me make a few assumptions, leading up to a question for all:
Assumption 1 you gained some significant weight during marriage (ie, he WAS attracted to you at your pre-marriage weight, but NOT attracted to your current weight).
Assumption 2 prior to reaching the point of divorce, he communicated his loss of attraction to you, and you were unable or unwilling to lose weight.

With those assumptions, here is my question to the forum:
What could the husband have done differently about his loss of attraction that would have not ended in divorce?
Seriously, is there some mature way of dealing with this that does NOT alienate the wife but actually motivates her to lose the weight gained during marriage?
This isn't about a few invisible pounds, rather let's say 30+ pounds which really does change one's physical appearance.

I have seen (first hand) divorced women, who had gained significant weight during marriage, then suddenly get thin again to resume dating.
This just seems so wrong all around.

Help a guy out here: wife gained 40lbs, definitely not attracted, not ready to divorce over it, seeking helpful advice.




I gainex 40lbs after my second child and my DH correctly pointed out that I was getting fat and my face was swallowed up. Of course I already knew this, as I had a mirror. We really hunkered down and went to the gym and he was good ahout not suggesting tempting foodd. He did it with me. We actually ended up running a few half marathons together and we work out together regularly.

I'm now at my wedding weight, but more fot and more solid.

I would MUCH prefer my DH telling me I was becoming unattractive to him rather than him keeping it secret...that's like jot telling someone they have a green thing stuck in their teeth. Give it to me straight. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone who has significantly changed, especially when that change is self induced.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 22:09     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:Pp here whose ex left her bc of weight. Lots of issues. He only loved me for my looks, not who I was, as I have since learned from divorce. After I gained the 1st 20 bc of our lifestyle together, he was cruel and intentionally mean thinking that strategy would make me lose weight to please him. Backfired. Wrecked my self esteem and I gained another 20. Then he turned into a raging alcoholic and I fell out of love. I hated him and despite efforts ro disguise it, he picked up on itcI did lose the weight, but he did not change his actions. He gained weight too, but holds his weight better. I gained much of it back, was iN a depression. Having him out of my life helped me get control back of me. "Me" was irrelevant throughout the marriage. Lifers good now.


Good for you PP. Seriously
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 22:06     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Pp again, to guy who want to genuinely help his wife. Find out what she needs to help her lose weight. Is it food, lack of exercise, self esteem or all of the above? High protien, low carb? what works for Her and not what works for uou.Then help her, be positive, bring home heathy foods and cook. Help her make smart choices. If she isn't doing exercise one day, don't nag. Perhaps various diet clinics and strategies. Be kind to her. Have to get in her mind and figure it out. Chances are she has not identified the motivation she needs internally. We know usually when we e fat, and losing 5 lb is easy, 40 is not. It takes patience and perseverance and too easy to fall off the wagon. Help her back on. Weight makes you feel like less of a woman and self esteem drops, causing more gain. It is a vicious cycle, but once the weight starts to come off it can be motivating. Be her cheerleader. She must know you love her and that it is not conditional. Oh, and please don't look at other women when you are out, or on line. We notice those things, my ex did it all the time, even when I joined a gym with him early in our marriage. I stopped going because he flirted with all the hot women, even if subtle. Hurts our feelings.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 21:58     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Pp here whose ex left her bc of weight. Lots of issues. He only loved me for my looks, not who I was, as I have since learned from divorce. After I gained the 1st 20 bc of our lifestyle together, he was cruel and intentionally mean thinking that strategy would make me lose weight to please him. Backfired. Wrecked my self esteem and I gained another 20. Then he turned into a raging alcoholic and I fell out of love. I hated him and despite efforts ro disguise it, he picked up on itcI did lose the weight, but he did not change his actions. He gained weight too, but holds his weight better. I gained much of it back, was iN a depression. Having him out of my life helped me get control back of me. "Me" was irrelevant throughout the marriage. Lifers good now.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 14:32     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ex told me he was no longer attracted to me and divorced me.

Not much detail given but let me make a few assumptions, leading up to a question for all:
Assumption 1 you gained some significant weight during marriage (ie, he WAS attracted to you at your pre-marriage weight, but NOT attracted to your current weight).
Assumption 2 prior to reaching the point of divorce, he communicated his loss of attraction to you, and you were unable or unwilling to lose weight.

With those assumptions, here is my question to the forum:
What could the husband have done differently about his loss of attraction that would have not ended in divorce?
Seriously, is there some mature way of dealing with this that does NOT alienate the wife but actually motivates her to lose the weight gained during marriage?
This isn't about a few invisible pounds, rather let's say 30+ pounds which really does change one's physical appearance.

I have seen (first hand) divorced women, who had gained significant weight during marriage, then suddenly get thin again to resume dating.
This just seems so wrong all around.

Help a guy out here: wife gained 40lbs, definitely not attracted, not ready to divorce over it, seeking helpful advice.




Well, are you a good, healthy example? Can you help with grocery shopping, cooking, or incorporating more active family activities? Could you suddenly go on a health kick that involves her? Does she have time to exercise or always put herself last? Is she depressed or is it just bad choices? She has to want to do it, but you can help at least line things up to make it easier if she does want to. You can't make someone want to do something, though, so that part is what it is.

Also, I would work on your mindset of attraction. At some level, it is more than purely the physical, right? Focus on those things - good mother, investment in your life together, etc. I say this as a wife whose husband has gained way more than 40 pounds and is not physically attracted to him but making the best of what I've got.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 12:26     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:My ex told me he was no longer attracted to me and divorced me.

Not much detail given but let me make a few assumptions, leading up to a question for all:
Assumption 1 you gained some significant weight during marriage (ie, he WAS attracted to you at your pre-marriage weight, but NOT attracted to your current weight).
Assumption 2 prior to reaching the point of divorce, he communicated his loss of attraction to you, and you were unable or unwilling to lose weight.

With those assumptions, here is my question to the forum:
What could the husband have done differently about his loss of attraction that would have not ended in divorce?
Seriously, is there some mature way of dealing with this that does NOT alienate the wife but actually motivates her to lose the weight gained during marriage?
This isn't about a few invisible pounds, rather let's say 30+ pounds which really does change one's physical appearance.

I have seen (first hand) divorced women, who had gained significant weight during marriage, then suddenly get thin again to resume dating.
This just seems so wrong all around.

Help a guy out here: wife gained 40lbs, definitely not attracted, not ready to divorce over it, seeking helpful advice.


Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 02:31     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:My ex told me he was no longer attracted to me and divorced me.


Whoa. How long were you married? How much did you gain during marriage?
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 02:27     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH here.

You putting on a few extra pounds doesn't bother me nearly as much as you going on about how unhappy it makes you and how you're going to diet. When you do this in front of our daughters, I get really upset. But I hold me tongue.

So, it's not your physical appearance that bothers me but your attitude about it.


Why would you not say something to your wife, like yesterday? You all NÉED to have a conversation about her weight issues and how to properly discuss them or actually not at all in front of your daughters.

If you love your daughters and want them to have a great self esteem, talk to you wife now and tell her no more discussing diet issues and unhappiness.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 02:25     Subject: Re:What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has basically told me to lose weight or he will leave me. I am about 30 pounds over what I was when he met me and I am a size 16. It hurts.


Wow. Sorry pp. He sounds like an ass. Do you really think he will or is he just trying to really motivate you in some way? Do you want to lose weight?


i do . I have lost 20lbs in the last year but medical issues keep derailing me. I want to lost it of course! He lost about 50 pounds in 6 months and can't understand why it is taking me so long. I am trying, he just isn't attracted to me physically anymore.


Thats horrible! I can't believe he said that first of all. Second, he is such a hypocrite if he was overweight as well. Screw him pp. Not literally, but screw him and his thoughts. I would let his ass leave and find a real man who will love you for who you are.

What happens if something happens to you that disables you? What will he do then? You should ask?
One of my best friends in her forties went through a stroke, was in a coma, and the drs said that she would never talk or walk. If that is you what your husband do? What if that is him? Does he want you yo leave hm? How long have you all been marred? Kids?
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2014 02:06     Subject: Re:What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has basically told me to lose weight or he will leave me. I am about 30 pounds over what I was when he met me and I am a size 16. It hurts.


Wow. Sorry pp. He sounds like an ass. Do you really think he will or is he just trying to really motivate you in some way? Do you want to lose weight?


i do . I have lost 20lbs in the last year but medical issues keep derailing me. I want to lost it of course! He lost about 50 pounds in 6 months and can't understand why it is taking me so long. I am trying, he just isn't attracted to me physically anymore.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2014 21:52     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He says nothing unless I mention it. When I do, he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful (even though I gained 40 lbs in 3 years of depression and infertility treatments)

He does buy healthy food and helps me plan healthy meals. He encourages me to exercise by asking me to go on walks with him. I know he will be supportive in helping me get healthy again once I have this baby.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have gained less weight if I didn't feel so accepted and unconditionally loved by him, but I know that's not true and I'm the only one responsible for my current state.


Nice to see this come up again. I am now 28w pregnant and only up 9 pounds and on track to weigh less when the baby comes out than before I got pregnant. My midwife is happy with my diet and weight and the baby's progress - but it felt really great when my husband told me yesterday after my weigh in how proud he is of how well I'm eating and exercising for our baby.


Weird. Are you Asian?


Why is that strange? I gained 20lbs my entire second pregnancy and looked like I had a basketball under my shirt. I also exercised up until the week I gave birth, including running the Army 10 miler in October and having my baby in December. My birth was incredibly easy, due to my fitness level, even though my son was 9lbs. I lost all the baby weight in a matter of 3 weeks. At 28 weeks, I probably had gained 5lbs and I'm white. I'm not particularly thin, at 5'9" 140lbs.

There are many benefits to doing what the poster before you is doing while pregnant, which is gaining only baby weight (assuming no swelling), eating well, and continuing exercising. It is good for mom and good for baby.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2014 21:52     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:OP here: yea, this is totally embarrassing but I have gained a lot of weight. I was 125 (I am 5'6") when we started dating (very fit). When I turned 30 I was at my (then highest) 150. But still like a 4, sometimes 6. I worked out a lot.

Got preggs went up to 200. Had the kid went down to 155...and then I have gained like 10 lbs/year for the last year. Which puts me where I am now at 190 or so.

So, short answer...I have gained 45 lbs since just after we got married 5 years ago. OMG...THAT IS SO BAD. I have not sat down and thought about it like that.



You just described my situation exactly. You are not alone!
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2014 20:57     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Anonymous wrote:DH here.

You putting on a few extra pounds doesn't bother me nearly as much as you going on about how unhappy it makes you and how you're going to diet. When you do this in front of our daughters, I get really upset. But I hold me tongue.

So, it's not your physical appearance that bothers me but your attitude about it.


or reducing the sex because you feel fat or don't look good or don't feel sexy.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2014 20:55     Subject: What does your husband think/say when you gain weight
Mine never says a thing. I'm up about 18 pounds 7 yrs and two kids later. My baby is 13 months and with two it's impossible to work out. I will complain but he thinks I'm fine at 134 pounds and too skinny at the 118 on my wedding. My own family however tells me I need to lose 10 pounds desperately. I'm 5'4 134 pounds.

I'll occasionally ask DH and he is honestly not bothered at all. I was very active and 124 prior to do 2. We both overall look good and take care of ourselves.