OP with some more answers:
1) her first marraige ended because of infidelity-his not hers
2) no, she does not want a divorce. She would rather stay in the situation mostly I think because I make most of the money
3) how do I reconcile leaving my children with someone harming them? It's either that or play referee until they are off to college.
4) how come I am not fighting for sole custody? My attorney and friends of mine who tried have come up against a brick wall. We live in 2012 with 1960's laws.
5) I work long hours (welcome to how to make enough money to live in the area) but do not expect every night to be a discussion of world political issues. And she would be the first to admit that I do more than my share of housework and child care.
6) would I want the kids full time? If I had to I would do what it took. But the only time I have ever seen a man get full custody is when he was able to prove that his wife was a drug addict.
7) connection missing? You bet. That kind of match when two people area a team has been gone for years. That is what I miss most.
8) how close are we living? Within five minutes.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your subsequent post is disturbing, as is your seeming disconnection from the kids and their interests. There are the struggles you face, and there are kids being left with someone who hits them. She sounds like her coping and emotional regulation are quite poor and you are leaving them in a very stressful situation for all 3.

Again, their physical and emotional well being have to come first. No point in trying is just more of the same passive victim crap.

To play armchair psychologist, I diagnose mom as Borderline and dad as a Narcissist. Classic combo and so sad and toxic for kids.

Kids that age should have a say in where they live. Would you be prepared to have them full time OP? Have you ever insisted that she get effective mental health treatment targeted at her parenting? Controlling her anger and emotionally connecting?

Maybe she wants you home because she can't deal. People who are controlling and lash out often feel very out of control inside. Seems like you (in a self pitying way) are setting a match to a combustible situation OP. Your kids aren't like the PP who had 2 stable doting parents.

How close are you living? Two nights a week during the week can be very disruptive to the social lives of kids that age.

WTF? Sometimes two people are incompatible and divorce. There's not always DSM-IV diagnoses involved.

OP - does your wife want to divorce too? If so, what would her reason be? What happened with her first marriage? And how do you reconcile leaving your beloved children with someone who you think is harming them? Why are you not fighting for sole custody (or at least trying)? It sounds as though you like your image of yourself as the martyr here but you're not actually putting any action behind your words, so your professions of love for your wife and children sound hollow.

OP - she works too you said and she wants you home by 5. So what are your working hours and hers? How much Childcare and coordination of Childcare has fallen to you versus to her since they were born?

The spanking thing disturbs me. But it seems your main other issue is that you want to be a dad who works long hours and comes home to a wife ready to have outside interests and interesting discussions. That sounds wonderf of course, but if she's working all day too, rushing home to get the kids, handling dinner and bedtime, etc, and then you come home having spent a fulfilling day on your ambition expecting her to be waiting with wine to discuss the latest political news, I can imagine why the love is gone. Please correct my read on this, but that's what I'm hearing.

OP, your subsequent post is disturbing, as is your seeming disconnection from the kids and their interests. There are the struggles you face, and there are kids being left with someone who hits them. She sounds like her coping and emotional regulation are quite poor and you are leaving them in a very stressful situation for all 3.

Again, their physical and emotional well being have to come first. No point in trying is just more of the same passive victim crap.

To play armchair psychologist, I diagnose mom as Borderline and dad as a Narcissist. Classic combo and so sad and toxic for kids.

Kids that age should have a say in where they live. Would you be prepared to have them full time OP? Have you ever insisted that she get effective mental health treatment targeted at her parenting? Controlling her anger and emotionally connecting?

Maybe she wants you home because she can't deal. People who are controlling and lash out often feel very out of control inside. Seems like you (in a self pitying way) are setting a match to a combustible situation OP. Your kids aren't like the PP who had 2 stable doting parents.

How close are you living? Two nights a week during the week can be very disruptive to the social lives of kids that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she still spanks them - my 12 year old was smacked the other day. Her mother was a spanker and I think this is where she got this from.

Regarding custody, I am looking for two nights a week and every other weekend. Unless your wife is an ax murderer, sole custody for a man is fruitless to attempt.

Re: the spanking. Out of concern for the kids, I would talk to your attorney about that. Not divorced (so no experience there) but I wonder if you could put in writing where she agrees not to spank the kids. I would think most experts in childhood behavior would view spanking to be abusive and hurts a child self-esteem and the family law courts would tend to agree. Definitely not the right route to go with disciplining teenagers. Seems to be just an anger reaction instead of logical parenting and what does it model for the kids?

I am planning to do this. There have been times where in front of the kids I have told her to stop to no avail.

OP, does she have anger managment problems or perhaps untreated depression/ADHD? It is uncommon for someone to hit children in middle school. I also fear that the stress will cause her to be more abusive to the kids. It sounds like an emotional connection is missing there too. I dunno, in your shoes I might want to stick around for the kids OP. Find your "connection" elsewhere if you must but it doesn't sound like your kids are going to get their emotional needs met. If she hits them in front of you when you object how abandoned are they going to feel that you've left altogether? Shouldn't you be protecting them?

Were her parents abusive? EMDR is supposed to be very helpful.

Anonymous wrote:"Agree with much of what you said PP, but it only takes one selfish person who didn't find family life all that rewarding to break a marriage. My divorce was driven by ex's mental health issues and poor parenting. Divorce hasn't changed that, just pushed me and the kids close to the poverty level. My request that he do something about his issues (which were causing the kids to have anxiety and sadness due to his disconnection) led him to have an affair and then move in with a "new" family. My kids haven't had any good options since whatever his problems are kicked off in his early 30's.

I think the cases where people divorce just because of their adult relationship but otherwise are healthy, stable, mature adults is the minority. Most divorced families I know do not have 2 super involved parents or enough money, and often there are mental health issues (depression, ADHD, personality disorders, problems with intimacy, addiciton) in one spouse. Obviously 2 involved stable parents would be the next best choice. But when one parent is unstable and unpredictable and self absorbed the ideal is for that person to get effective treatment."

Thank you for this. I'm so tired of the sanctimonious a**holes on this board claiming that every divorce is the fault of both partners who just didn't work hard enough.

I for one am not trying to be a sanctimonious asshole. Many of us are either divorced are on the verge of divorce. No sanctimony from me. But with a 50% divorce rate, I dont' think 50% of the population falls in love with and become parents with people who turn into assholes. Of course there are some marriages that should end or when one person doesn't step up or whatever. But OP didn't come here very humbled from this experience. He was just blaming his wife. A significant number of second marriages fail, even more than the first marriages. That shows there are a lot of people who go on to make the same mistake. I just don't want to OP to make the same mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she still spanks them - my 12 year old was smacked the other day. Her mother was a spanker and I think this is where she got this from.

Regarding custody, I am looking for two nights a week and every other weekend. Unless your wife is an ax murderer, sole custody for a man is fruitless to attempt.

Re: the spanking. Out of concern for the kids, I would talk to your attorney about that. Not divorced (so no experience there) but I wonder if you could put in writing where she agrees not to spank the kids. I would think most experts in childhood behavior would view spanking to be abusive and hurts a child self-esteem and the family law courts would tend to agree. Definitely not the right route to go with disciplining teenagers. Seems to be just an anger reaction instead of logical parenting and what does it model for the kids?

I am planning to do this. There have been times where in front of the kids I have told her to stop to no avail.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she still spanks them - my 12 year old was smacked the other day. Her mother was a spanker and I think this is where she got this from.

Regarding custody, I am looking for two nights a week and every other weekend. Unless your wife is an ax murderer, sole custody for a man is fruitless to attempt.

Re: the spanking. Out of concern for the kids, I would talk to your attorney about that. Not divorced (so no experience there) but I wonder if you could put in writing where she agrees not to spank the kids. I would think most experts in childhood behavior would view spanking to be abusive and hurts a child self-esteem and the family law courts would tend to agree. Definitely not the right route to go with disciplining teenagers. Seems to be just an anger reaction instead of logical parenting and what does it model for the kids?

"Agree with much of what you said PP, but it only takes one selfish person who didn't find family life all that rewarding to break a marriage. My divorce was driven by ex's mental health issues and poor parenting. Divorce hasn't changed that, just pushed me and the kids close to the poverty level. My request that he do something about his issues (which were causing the kids to have anxiety and sadness due to his disconnection) led him to have an affair and then move in with a "new" family. My kids haven't had any good options since whatever his problems are kicked off in his early 30's.

I think the cases where people divorce just because of their adult relationship but otherwise are healthy, stable, mature adults is the minority. Most divorced families I know do not have 2 super involved parents or enough money, and often there are mental health issues (depression, ADHD, personality disorders, problems with intimacy, addiciton) in one spouse. Obviously 2 involved stable parents would be the next best choice. But when one parent is unstable and unpredictable and self absorbed the ideal is for that person to get effective treatment."

Thank you for this. I'm so tired of the sanctimonious a**holes on this board claiming that every divorce is the fault of both partners who just didn't work hard enough.

Yes, she still spanks them - my 12 year old was smacked the other day. Her mother was a spanker and I think this is where she got this from.

Regarding custody, I am looking for two nights a week and every other weekend. Unless your wife is an ax murderer, sole custody for a man is fruitless to attempt.

OP, I'm not one of the bashers so this isn't meant to be sarcastic or snarky but....

What is the plan for custody? With the stress of a divorce don't you think she'll continue to spank your kids especially if you aren't around? Do you plan on leaving the kids with her or will you try for custody? I thought you said your kids were tweens/teens? She still spanks them???

Sorry, folks, I didn't put in the face thing at the end.

I am the OP. Have read through the thread so let me answer your questions as there have been huge assumptions made:
1) The filing was scheduled by me and was not a surprise.
2) Why did I file and not her? Someone has to do it and as this is my wife's second marriage (my first) I did not want her to file again as I know the pain she experienced when she had to do it the first time.
3) How is tennis game? To the poster, thanks for the sarcasm but I don't feel like doing much at the moment.
4) How do I feel about her financial situation and that of my kids? I have no problem paying more than what the law expects. She works outside the house and I understand how difficult this is going to be for everyone.
5) What is my family's marriage history? Parents were married for 45 years until father died and sister has been married for over 20. Wife's parents are still married but two sisters have been divorced with one remarried.
6) Does it sound like I still love her? My emotions are a mess right now. But I will add that she is the one that I had to drag to marriage counseling. And it tok months to do this.
7) Was I missing a connection? Exactly. We were not connecting like a couple should - she had no idea of the everyday struggles that I face - her father was a union worker home everyday at 5:00 and she expected me to be like that.
8) How come you hear about how bad she was but not about me? From the start, I have never claimed to be a perfect husband or father. But she insisted on spanking our kids and I am against spanking.

did OP ever come back. Didn't think so.