Anonymous
Post 05/28/2012 07:55     Subject: Re:No one reciprocates!
PP, definitely check in with your friend. My GF sounds similar to yours and while she didn't mind the host role initially, it got old over the years. It's also really expensive!
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 23:48     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Our group of friends seems to pretty much always gravitate to one house. That friend loves to host and has the best house to host in. We do potlucks mostly but sometimes she hosts and cooks. She is an awesome, fun host and I think that the rest of us feel a little inadequate and seeing as we always have a great time at her place, why mess with something that works. We have all hosted at one point or another - more like once or twice a year and she hosts probably twice a month.

I will ask her if she wants to rotate homes more often.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 23:35     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:PP, it is because they don't have the self-confidence to host. They are embarrassed of this or that. Since embarrassment is a form of self-fixation, it is kind of a narcissistic reaction. Hosting people is, or should be about the guests, not the host. Get over yourselves people! A lot of this has to do with the competitive nature of this area.


This is not a helpful or productive comment. Calling anxious and self-conscious people narcissistic and self absorbed is not going to ease their fears about hosting. A more helpful comment would have been something like "Hosting takes a certain amount of self-confidence. You can cultivate this by putting your focus more on your guests than worrying about how your guests are perceiing you.z your guests are likely just happy to be there and want to have fun." this won't help people with true hosting anxieties, but it is at least more thoughtful and helpful than telling people to get over themselves.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 22:30     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:

Silly her - she should have known that you were being completely insincere. Maybe she never hosted bc doing so was not in her budget.


Americans are so cheap, and rude. Can not believe it. I used to have friends who had no problem free loading when we pay, but always asked us to share the bills. The lack of self awareness is astounding.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 21:04     Subject: Re:No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:I would honestly love to host more people at my house, but I feel like I'm not a fun host. I'm more relaxed out when I'm out. I invite my friends out a lot but I am a stressed out host. Any tips from the heavy hosters on how to make hosting more relaxed?


We host often and always have - so I think lots of experience is part of it.

1) Planning - we do easy meals, and have 1-2 'signature' meals that we're comfortable making. For example, I have hosted thanksgiving-type chicken dinners more times than I can remember; it is easy for me to throw together and serve without much thought (and really, really hard for me to screw up). BBQ-ing is easy, too. I am a big planner; by doing things that can be prepped/cooked ahead of time, you won't have much to do when guests arrive except for offer drinks and do a few finishing touches in the kitchen. And I am not shy about having my guests help (they usually offer anyways).

2) We keep the bar low. We throw the liquor & mixers out with an ice bucket; beer is in a cooler with ice or in the fridge; we don't get all 'martha stewart' with flowers or table settings or 'signature' drinks. Heck, we've hosted plenty of parties where people had to sit on the floor. Guests don't care as long as there is good company! (As long as they are not old. Older people need chairs.)

3) Remember that people are there to hang out with you and the other guests, not to judge your cuisine or decor or home. If the ice bucket runs empty or you F up one of the food dishes, so be it - you can always order pizza.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 16:13     Subject: No one reciprocates!
I think the over scheduling of kids and work take their toll. As does communicating via email and Facebook. I have good friends that we may actually see 6 times a year. When you see people that infrequently, sometimes there is not much opportunity to reciprocate. They tend to come to us more than we go to them.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 11:07     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:Social life is reciprocal by nature. It's part of a mutual give and take. I dislike large parties so I very rarely attend them, and I host them even more rarely. I prefer smaller gatherings, so that's what I host. If another couple or family doesn't feel comfortable hosting something at home, for whatever reason, they can reciprocate in many other ways. But if they don't reciprocate in any way, the friends who host them often may feel that the interest in friendship is not really mutual. It's that interest and the extension of invitaions of whatever kind that should be reciprocated; it's not that anyone is keeping score. Everyone wants to feel valued.


+1
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 10:58     Subject: No one reciprocates!
There is another couple w/ 2 kids (like us) that we are good friends with, and pretty much every time we have invited them over they have suggested coming to their house instead. So we've pretty much stopped inviting them over, assuming that they are just more comfortable at their house. We always bring something, and often meet out for dinner too (switching off who pays or just splitting the tab). I think some people just like being on their home turf- no driving, both parents can drink, not worry about getting the kids home for bedtime, etc.
Anonymous
Post 05/27/2012 10:06     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Social life is reciprocal by nature. It's part of a mutual give and take. I dislike large parties so I very rarely attend them, and I host them even more rarely. I prefer smaller gatherings, so that's what I host. If another couple or family doesn't feel comfortable hosting something at home, for whatever reason, they can reciprocate in many other ways. But if they don't reciprocate in any way, the friends who host them often may feel that the interest in friendship is not really mutual. It's that interest and the extension of invitaions of whatever kind that should be reciprocated; it's not that anyone is keeping score. Everyone wants to feel valued.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:32     Subject: Re:No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:Hospitality is a two way-street. If you regularly partake of someone's hospitality, it is only appropriate that you also return the favor and host occasionally. To say you are "uncomfortable" or "anxious" is a cop-out. My husband and I are great cooks and love to entertain, but we are just as happy to go to someone's house and have pizza and beer. I really don't understand people who always receive and never give. [/quote]

This exactly. Selfish people.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:22     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:OP here: The Thanksgiving friend is well off. She drives a Lexus. she is a SAHM. She has a 4K square foot custom built home.


I find these types of people to be the cheapest. They are the ones who will want you to chip in or bring damn near everything. It's a shame. We like to host and although it's a lot of work, I enjoy providing a meal to friends and having a good chat. I do get really upset when we do get one or two invites and we have to pay to attend/share the cost. I don't get it. I cook and bake for people for days and then when I come to their house I have to bring a couple of dishes or cash?

It does get old. We don't host as much as we used to, because I am annoyed by the lack of manners and common courtesy of people in this area.

Sounds like you are a cool person and I wish we knew more people like you.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:20     Subject: Re:No one reciprocates!
The worst is when the people who never host start calling up or emailing to ask when you're having the holiday party/cookout/whatever. And they NEVER reciprocate!
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:19     Subject: No one reciprocates!
PP, it is because they don't have the self-confidence to host. They are embarrassed of this or that. Since embarrassment is a form of self-fixation, it is kind of a narcissistic reaction. Hosting people is, or should be about the guests, not the host. Get over yourselves people! A lot of this has to do with the competitive nature of this area.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:14     Subject: Re:No one reciprocates!
Hospitality is a two way-street. If you regularly partake of someone's hospitality, it is only appropriate that you also return the favor and host occasionally. To say you are "uncomfortable" or "anxious" is a cop-out. My husband and I are great cooks and love to entertain, but we are just as happy to go to someone's house and have pizza and beer. I really don't understand people who always receive and never give.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2012 14:11     Subject: No one reciprocates!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here: One friend (now sort of former friend) came over to my place for dozens of playdates (she has two boys) but she literally never invited me to her (huge, beautiful, new, kid-friendly) house except for once for Thanksgiving. I was thrilled to go and I made sure my boys behaved. We brought a lot of stuff. However, she took me up on my offer of paying for half of the supermarket's Thanksiving dinner meal (which hurt my feelings immensely; I don't know how this came about but we were talking about making it easier for her by getting the ready made meal and I offered to pitch in too) and her husband disappeared after the dinner. I just didn't feel welcome at all. We continued to be friends for a long time, but I think true friends reciprocate.


Silly her - she should have known that you were being completely insincere. Maybe she never hosted bc doing so was not in her budget.


You are a complete jerk and prove that many in this area have no class, manners and no nothing about etiquette.