Anonymous
Post 01/07/2012 01:12     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
to avoid the family drama (on both sides), I lied about my due date, and then didn't tell anyone about the birth until about 30 hours later. No, they weren't happy. No, that didn't stop everyone from trying to be all overbearing and wanting to see us NOW. Yes, there were hurt feeling. they got over it. eventually. mostly.

but was I sane? was I comfortable (as one can be after birth)? was I making the right decision for me, my baby, our family? Oh, sweet baby jebus, YES! We went so far as to ignore people knocking on the door (both our mothers being repeat offenders of "call, and we'll let you know if we're up to having visitors." nothing like mom banging on the door. "I know you're in there!")

OP, I feel you. I basically had to lay down the law with my DH. His parents, and my mom, are overbearing and lack any sense of boundaries and would ride roughshod over us if we let them. After seeing the HORRIBLE situation my SIL was in, all 4 soon-to-be grandparents these at the hospital, nine (!) family members waiting for them the day they came home from the hospital, the emotional breakdowns, the general sense of disrespect towards my SIL's wish for a little quiet and a little privacy in her own damn house.....well, I was damned if that was going to be me.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2012 00:05     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically


I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. [b]I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, [u]so I understand childbirth and recovery very well.[/b] I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.


Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.


This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.


If you read the quotes properly you would see that the part the PP responded to was not posted by the OP. This was written by a PP who apparently had the most difficult of labors and the most precious of sons who she says, she would never want to date a woman like the OP. It was insulting to the OP and insulting to the rest of the posters who have also been through difficult labors.


Yes, I know PP was responding to someone other than the OP. So just because this PP said she had one of the most heinous and painful births why does that offend you so much that you had to lash out at her? I'm on OP's side and I don't agree with that PP's position either. But why flip out? She didn't say she had THE most difficult labors as you wrote. She said she had ONE OF the most heinous and painful births. It's just an expression. It doesn't mean her birth was literally in the top 2% of all difficult births in the U.S. It means she endured a lot of difficulty during labor. And maybe she actually did. And where did she say her sons were "so precious"? Sounds like you just didn't like her opinion so now you're hitting below the belt.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 22:42     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Hang in there, OP! Focus on what you can control and what you can't. No need to worry unnecessarily about breastfeeding and postpartum pooping and all that good stuff. Even in those cases, there are things you can do proactively to ease possible worries. For BFing, you can visit lactation consultants if you haven't already, and try to BF as soon as possible after the birth. For the PPP: Colace, high-fiber diet, and lots and lots of water. I had my husband track down prune juice at the hospital, and also brought a few Fiber One bars with me. None of those things are guarantees, and everyone's different, but they could help.

You sound clear on what you want, and I'm glad you feel supported by so many folks here on DCUM. Good luck!!
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 22:35     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically


I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, so I understand childbirth and recovery very well. I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.


Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.


This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.


If you read the quotes properly you would see that the part the PP responded to was not posted by the OP. This was written by a PP who apparently had the most difficult of labors and the most precious of sons who she says, she would never want to date a woman like the OP. It was insulting to the OP and insulting to the rest of the posters who have also been through difficult labors.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 22:04     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.


How is the GH asking for more respect for his parents? Her mom is coming to stay with them and spend time with the baby. He is asking for the same for his parents - doesn't look to me as though he is asking for more respect for his parents at all.


DH is asking for more respect for his parents by expecting her to set aside her vulnerability at that time for the sake of his parents' wishes. She's a new mother. Her body has just undergone a huge change. She will also be extremely emotional and fatigued. She will face challenges she's never faced before. This is a vulnerable time for her moreso than it will be for DH or his parents. So she deserves to find and choose people who can help her the most. By telling his wife to forget her needs during this time, he's asking for more respect to be given to his parents.





Still don't get though how this is asking for more respect for his parents than hers? How is he disrespecting her parents by wanting his to be there? I am not saying his parents should come but I don't see him asking for any more respect for his parents than for hers. He may at this point be putting more weight on his parents wishes than on his wife's but I don't see anyway he is disrespecting her parents. just not a fan of the crucify the man mentality where he gets blamed for things he has never even done.


By inviting his parents and ousting her parents from the house to accommodate his parents, he is showing a greater deference and respect to his parents' feelings because he's overlooked her wishes. Her wish was for him to acknowledge the greater respect she felt for her parents and they for her - as reflected in the closeness and intimacy they feel for one another. So it's an insult to OP as well as to OP's parents to completely shirk their wishes.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 21:45     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.


How is the GH asking for more respect for his parents? Her mom is coming to stay with them and spend time with the baby. He is asking for the same for his parents - doesn't look to me as though he is asking for more respect for his parents at all.


DH is asking for more respect for his parents by expecting her to set aside her vulnerability at that time for the sake of his parents' wishes. She's a new mother. Her body has just undergone a huge change. She will also be extremely emotional and fatigued. She will face challenges she's never faced before. This is a vulnerable time for her moreso than it will be for DH or his parents. So she deserves to find and choose people who can help her the most. By telling his wife to forget her needs during this time, he's asking for more respect to be given to his parents.



Still don't get though how this is asking for more respect for his parents than hers? How is he disrespecting her parents by wanting his to be there? I am not saying his parents should come but I don't see him asking for any more respect for his parents than for hers. He may at this point be putting more weight on his parents wishes than on his wife's but I don't see anyway he is disrespecting her parents. just not a fan of the crucify the man mentality where he gets blamed for things he has never even done.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 21:34     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...


Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.


How is the GH asking for more respect for his parents? Her mom is coming to stay with them and spend time with the baby. He is asking for the same for his parents - doesn't look to me as though he is asking for more respect for his parents at all.


DH is asking for more respect for his parents by expecting her to set aside her vulnerability at that time for the sake of his parents' wishes. She's a new mother. Her body has just undergone a huge change. She will also be extremely emotional and fatigued. She will face challenges she's never faced before. This is a vulnerable time for her moreso than it will be for DH or his parents. So she deserves to find and choose people who can help her the most. By telling his wife to forget her needs during this time, he's asking for more respect to be given to his parents.

Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 21:26     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically


I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, so I understand childbirth and recovery very well. I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.


Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.


This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 21:18     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:During DH's weekly phone call w/ his parents last night, they apparently told him that they are planning on coming up when the baby is born (I'm 34 weeks). As in, they expect a call when I go into labor. They are also planning on staying at our (small) house. My mother was going to stay with us for a few days after we come home from the hospital (my parents are local), a fact which DH knew and previously supported. Now he's saying that my mom can just stay at her own house and visit during the day, as his parents will be here. Problem: I don't want his parents here. I want my mom. I'm going to be going through a lot, both emotionally and physically, and I'm already freaked about BFing. I don't want to be struggling with the latch at 2 am and have my MIL come in to see if she can help-I want my own mom. I don't want to be sitting in front of my FIL and start leaking, or be crying for no reason. Although I get along fine with his parents, I don't want them to be around at what is probably going to be a very difficult time for me (I'm a control-freak, so I know it will be rocky the first few days). I can't believe they (and DH) would think that a) it is ok to displace my own mother, and b) that I would feel more comfortable with them than my own mother. They say they don't want to miss anything, including visiting in the hospital, the first bath, etc. DH sides with them, saying my parents will be here for it, when shouldn't his? Um hello, because they made the choice to move out of the area two years ago?

I am beside myself. I've been crying a bunch, arguing with DH, etc. He won't even hear of them coming up later on after we get settled, or staying in a hotel. I feel like I don't know him or his family at all right now. Am I being really dramatic, or do I have a point? Please help me get some much-needed perspective!!


Nope -you have a point. Those first few days and even weeks are less about other family members bonding with the baby, and more about mom's recovery, getting baby to nurse well, etc. Your DH is out of line. You might want to point out to him that you are likely to be walking around naked from the waste up with the baby quite a bit. How is his dad going to handle that?


PP here. Um, yeah, right. When I breastfed I just walked around my house topless. LOL. Talk about dramatic...


6 wks postpartum and I did exactly this for weeks and was even thinking I was so glad my mom is here and not mil! Could not stand anything rubbing on my nips.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 20:25     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Here's what we did: Called my mom and in-laws when I went into labor, and they drove in from out of state and went to our small condo. We asked them not to come to the hospital until the baby was born -- more comfortable for them to wait at my house than for hours on end in a hospital waiting room. And I didn't have to deal with them while I was in labor. I wouldn't have minded my own mother there, but I figured I couldn't have different standards and so just asked both sides to stay until grandchild had arrived. Then both sides slept at our place while we were in the hospital (Ended up being four nights because I had a c-section after never progressing during labor.) Husband's parents slept in our queen bed, my mom on the couch. His parents understood when we came home, they had to leave so we could have our bed back. They got to enjoy their new grandchild every day we were in the hospital. My mom continued to stay with us for I think maybe three days or so after we were home, but then she, too, needed to leave so my husband and I could be alone with our new baby for the rest of his paternity leave. Both sides were welcome to return a couple weeks later.

I would NOT have wanted my in-laws at my home after coming home -- as previous posters have said your boobs are hanging out all the time.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 20:24     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...


Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.


How is the GH asking for more respect for his parents? Her mom is coming to stay with them and spend time with the baby. He is asking for the same for his parents - doesn't look to me as though he is asking for more respect for his parents at all.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 18:53     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Wow - 7 pages of responses in a day. OP you hit a hot button here!

I read your post to my husband and I hate to tell you this, but his opinion is that there might be a bigger problem here. Your husband is clearly being rude and unreasonable and all the other things the majority of the PP's said. But this inflexibility he shows and "my way or the highway" sort of attitude doesn't bode well for all the joint-decisions you have to make from here forward.

I would not let this one go because of the obvious reason that this is your call and your choice to make but also for the underlying reason that you need to stake your claim as one half of a decision-making team and there's no better time than now.

Finally, I'm really happy we live in a tiny 1 bedroom and plan to stay through 6 months after birth because NO ONE can stay with us. Phew.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 18:44     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically


I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, so I understand childbirth and recovery very well. I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.


Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 18:14     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...


Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 18:11     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you want your mom there, but I think it's also very important that you and DH learn how to handle your baby by yourselves a bit as well. It sounds like your husband's issue is that your mom gets to spend the night and his mom has to stay in a hotel. I would ask him how he felt about NO parental sleepovers - your parents at their house and his parents in a hotel or at your parents' house or something. That way you guys get some down time and alone time and all the grandparents are included in the new baby and maybe get to bond together as a grandparently unit over dinner or something when you kick them out to wander around topless. (For the record, I never did that once we came home. You might, but you might not. I would not use "but your dad will see my nipples" as a reason his parents cannot stay over, lest it backfire and he hold it over your head for the rest of your lives.)

After my daughter was born, I wanted my mom around, but mostly, I wanted to learn how to parent with my husband. Those nights we were up together when she was just a few days old were very, very special and I'm glad that mostly, it was just us. I think that during this time, you two should be turning to each other, not to your parents. If the parents all sleep somewhere else, they will still get plenty of time during the day (and you can take a shower! glorious!). Try to reframe the conversation not as a competition between grandparents but as a special time of bonding for a new family unit, with doting relatives looking on from the sidelines.


So what does this mean, if OP has her mom helping out for a short while she'll never learn to take care of a baby herself. Ridiculous assumption In fact, having your mother there to help you might actually better prepare you to handle things yourself later.