Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! "

Gosh golly. How haaaard it is. I get the luxury of getting up at 6:15 am to get my older kids off to middle and high school, then working from 8 to 5. Pick the younger kid up from afterschool care at 5:30, then my "5 hour day" starts.

You sound like friends in law school who used to compete to win the title of Most Exhausted, Most Overworked, and the like. That's just silly. Why should some other family decide to fill their life with additional stress and commitments just because that's a badge you seem I think we should envy or emulate?

I don't think other families should add stress and commitments. I do think people should think before they post about a "5 hour workday" when there are obviously people working virtually all their waking hours - that's what I was reacting to, the obliviousness of some SAHMs to the realities of others' lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! "

Gosh golly. How haaaard it is. I get the luxury of getting up at 6:15 am to get my older kids off to middle and high school, then working from 8 to 5. Pick the younger kid up from afterschool care at 5:30, then my "5 hour day" starts.

You sound like friends in law school who used to compete to win the title of Most Exhausted, Most Overworked, and the like. That's just silly. Why should some other family decide to fill their life with additional stress and commitments just because that's a badge you seem I think we should envy or emulate?

Exactly!

I work 60 hrs a week!

No,I work 90 hrs. a week!

Well, I work 120 hrs. a week and I bill 150 hrs! Hah!

I know that game and never wanted to play it!

Anonymous wrote:" Many of us are saying that we've done the WOH thing and it exceeded our personal thresholds for stress/sanity and while SAH isn't necessarily the greatest job ever, we have made the trade off b/c it works for our households. If working out of the house works for you, that's fab. Go for it. When I was working full time, it wasn't the 45 hrs. at the office that was a problem, it was the other 10 hrs. of commuting time added on to that. "

1) Work on ways to increase your stress/sanity threshold short of quitting your job or
2) Look for another job with a shorter commute.

Why are you so insecure in your choice that you can't handle someone making a different choice and being fine with it. I'm not telling you to quit your job and stay at home. I'm comfortable in my own choices so much that I can handle you making a different choice without feeling threatened by it.

Next time I need advice, I'll look you up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

I highly doubt that they are "always" calling you to pick up their kids.

The snide comments are definitely going both ways here. The funny thing is that I don't know a single working mom who has ever called on a SAHM to do any of the above things. To be perfectly honest, there is no way most of us would ever considering it just perpetuates the shitty attitude of a SAHM displayed above. Ironically, SAHMs tend to carpool and do the things above for other SAHMs all the time, and without complaint. It is just that WOHMs get the bad reputation for not reciprocating (which also isn't true considering we are all usually very sensitive about these things).

Are you employed as a paid spokeswoman for the working mothers of america? "We are all usually very sensitive.." says the flack for the movement. Give me a break. Somehow you have your finger on the pulse of what all working women think and do?

Anonymous wrote:"Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! "

Gosh golly. How haaaard it is. I get the luxury of getting up at 6:15 am to get my older kids off to middle and high school, then working from 8 to 5. Pick the younger kid up from afterschool care at 5:30, then my "5 hour day" starts.

You sound like friends in law school who used to compete to win the title of Most Exhausted, Most Overworked, and the like. That's just silly. Why should some other family decide to fill their life with additional stress and commitments just because that's a badge you seem I think we should envy or emulate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

I highly doubt that they are "always" calling you to pick up their kids.

The snide comments are definitely going both ways here. The funny thing is that I don't know a single working mom who has ever called on a SAHM to do any of the above things. To be perfectly honest, there is no way most of us would ever considering it just perpetuates the shitty attitude of a SAHM displayed above. Ironically, SAHMs tend to carpool and do the things above for other SAHMs all the time, and without complaint. It is just that WOHMs get the bad reputation for not reciprocating (which also isn't true considering we are all usually very sensitive about these things).

I'm sorry you don't have friends to call on in a pinch. I do. And I'm happy to do it for others -- SAHM or not. I offer, in fact. And my friends take me up on it. Maybe people don't like you so they don't offer. I don't know. All the moms I know are happy to do it whether it's reciprocated or not. I've met my friends' kids off the bus, picked them up from school, driven them to friend's offices. You name it. Moms who work seem to see this giant divide between the highly important work they do and the yoga-pants wearing SAHMs. The thing is: I have worked when my kids were little. Now I'm home. And I will work again. SAHM isn't a permanent condition.

"........or that you can do everything that I do and more. "

Yes, that IS my point as a full time working mom. We didn't have to give up half of our household income to lower our stress. I own it, I do think people who can't both work and raise children may be less competent than I am.

" Many of us are saying that we've done the WOH thing and it exceeded our personal thresholds for stress/sanity and while SAH isn't necessarily the greatest job ever, we have made the trade off b/c it works for our households. If working out of the house works for you, that's fab. Go for it. When I was working full time, it wasn't the 45 hrs. at the office that was a problem, it was the other 10 hrs. of commuting time added on to that. "

1) Work on ways to increase your stress/sanity threshold short of quitting your job or
2) Look for another job with a shorter commute.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not problem with women staying home and I'm sure they can fill their days, or have a lot of time to relax, or whatever. It just struck me from the many posts about how their staying home keeps DH stress free, and while I agree that if DH was making my salary + his and I stayed home, he may be less stressed, I just would resent the hell out of him. We both love our jobs, maybe that is why. Between activities and school and DH going in late to cover mornings while I go in early and get home earlier, the kids are either with him or at school/activities at least 35 hours a week, which is a nice amount of time for me to make a living. I realize not everyone wants this and that's fine...it just struck me that all these DH's have stress-free lives and the moms are doing a lot of household management. But, I suppose it's not a sacrifice if you don't mind it or would rather not be working.

I doubt many of us have DHs whose lives are stress free. It isn't about trying to keep his life stress free it is about reducing the stress in all of our lives. This isn't about scurrying around so your DH never has to do anything or trying to anticipate his every whim. It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids. We both greatly value what the other brings to the household and we both realize and appreciate the sacrifices each has made to enable their part. Both our lives have stress - his working reduces my stress, my household management reduces his stress - together we reduce the kids stress. It is a win-win-win.

I wasn't speaking to your personally. My point is it is only a win-win if you don't resent giving up a career. It sounds like you don't have that resentment, so it's a win-win for you. I was just saying in our family it works differently. My husband participates more in child care by nature of me working (he wouldn't go in late so he could be with the kids before school, for example) and he would cover fewer sick days, etc., so I feel like that is an important aspect of us sharing duties. And I would be giving up a nice job and a nice income, and I doubt I would be able to return in my 50s when both kids are out of the house. In your family, it sounds like you both share duties, just divided up differently. Different strokes. Makes sense to me and it's nice to hear other's viewpoints.

Anonymous wrote:"The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide). "

I've never once in more than 10 years called a SAHM to do anything child-related. I picked my childcare carefully so it would accommodate our needs as far as work and family. It really is not that difficult.

+1

"The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide). "

I've never once in more than 10 years called a SAHM to do anything child-related. I picked my childcare carefully so it would accommodate our needs as far as work and family. It really is not that difficult.

OP, there is the possibility of depression as others have mentioned and there is also the possibility that your spouse has a hard time organizing what seems like an eternity of unscheduled time. When I stopped working full time I felt completely ungrounded. I didn't know how I could possibly fill all the time up! I did go into a bit of depression b/c I didn't have the obligations and routines that I eventually found.

Maybe you could have a talk after the kids go to bed about how you can work together to get everything done. Then when you have a big list of things that need to get done, maybe spouse (with your help) can break them down into two things to do each day of the week. Sometimes if you just get productive right off the bat in the morning, you can avoid getting sucked into internet nothingness all day. Maybe your spouse is one who doesn't plan very well, but maybe she is good at following a plan that is laid out on paper. There is a sense of accomplishment in crossing something off a physical list.

Now, to all those who are still attacking the SAHMs with the "is SOOO hard... boo-hoo-hoo" crap.... : No one is saying that the SAHM gig is harder than trying to work out of the house AND do the house management. Many of us are saying that we've done the WOH thing and it exceeded our personal thresholds for stress/sanity and while SAH isn't necessarily the greatest job ever, we have made the trade off b/c it works for our households. If working out of the house works for you, that's fab. Go for it. When I was working full time, it wasn't the 45 hrs. at the office that was a problem, it was the other 10 hrs. of commuting time added on to that. That's what resulted in so much stress for everyone. Yes, DH stepped up and did his share at the time, but it still put a lot of pressure on everyone from Monday at 5:30 a.m. straight through to Friday at 5:30 p.m.

We all just do whatever works at the moment. It's not a contest to prove that I'm more of a martyr than you or that you can do everything that I do and more. I do plan to go back to work (hope that interview I did lands me a job), but it is with mixed emotions. Neither the WOH model nor the SAHM model is perfect. Too much stress in one, too little personal accomplishment in the other. You can't win for trying, so it's best to just do whatever works for your family at any given moment (and suspend the competition with the women in the other camp).

I love the people that say they need to be home to deal with things like getting rugs shampooed, cleaning the fridge, or dealing with a sick dog. And then there are the people who say they spend hours daily doing things like 'going to Target.' How inefficient ARE you all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not problem with women staying home and I'm sure they can fill their days, or have a lot of time to relax, or whatever. It just struck me from the many posts about how their staying home keeps DH stress free, and while I agree that if DH was making my salary + his and I stayed home, he may be less stressed, I just would resent the hell out of him. We both love our jobs, maybe that is why. Between activities and school and DH going in late to cover mornings while I go in early and get home earlier, the kids are either with him or at school/activities at least 35 hours a week, which is a nice amount of time for me to make a living. I realize not everyone wants this and that's fine...it just struck me that all these DH's have stress-free lives and the moms are doing a lot of household management. But, I suppose it's not a sacrifice if you don't mind it or would rather not be working.

I doubt many of us have DHs whose lives are stress free. It isn't about trying to keep his life stress free it is about reducing the stress in all of our lives. This isn't about scurrying around so your DH never has to do anything or trying to anticipate his every whim. It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids. We both greatly value what the other brings to the household and we both realize and appreciate the sacrifices each has made to enable their part. Both our lives have stress - his working reduces my stress, my household management reduces his stress - together we reduce the kids stress. It is a win-win-win.

I'm glad you see it that way. But, it strikes me that dads who don't participate in the day-to-day care of their children don't bond with them as much as dads who do. Also, I hope that you have some financial arrangements set up for you alone. Also, I worry about kids not seeing their mothers use their degrees to work OTH and choosing to depend on their husbands and families for fulfillment, both financial and emotional. It's only win-win-win if you see in one way. IMO, there are going to be trade-offs if you SAH, and you need to be honest about them.

Why would you think dad doesn't participate in day to day care. He participates just as much as a working mom does as he is home and doing child related things evenings and weekends. I do not depend on my husband solely for emotional fulfillment and I am not less of a role model for my children compared to a working mother. I have contributed to the finances of the home - I paid the down payment when we bought it. I can't really identify with any aspect of your perception of a SAHM as it doesn't describe me or my life in any way.

Anonymous wrote:
The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

I highly doubt that they are "always" calling you to pick up their kids.

The snide comments are definitely going both ways here. The funny thing is that I don't know a single working mom who has ever called on a SAHM to do any of the above things. To be perfectly honest, there is no way most of us would ever considering it just perpetuates the shitty attitude of a SAHM displayed above. Ironically, SAHMs tend to carpool and do the things above for other SAHMs all the time, and without complaint. It is just that WOHMs get the bad reputation for not reciprocating (which also isn't true considering we are all usually very sensitive about these things).