Anonymous wrote:From either perspective - the spouse that cheats, the other person that has an affair with someone who is married, the spouse that is cheated on - it is always easier to blame your problems on someone else than looking internally to see how you personally contributed to the situation. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From either perspective - the spouse that cheats, the other person that has an affair with someone who is married, the spouse that is cheated on - it is always easier to blame your problems on someone else than looking internally to see how you personally contributed to the situation. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

This is such a cop out. Cheating doesn't solve the problems that existed in the first place, it just creates more problems.

Anonymous wrote:From either perspective - the spouse that cheats, the other person that has an affair with someone who is married, the spouse that is cheated on - it is always easier to blame your problems on someone else than looking internally to see how you personally contributed to the situation. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't always perfect. You forget the other half of the equation was the spouse that couldn't hold on to his wife or her husband. If they lived up to their end of the deal, maybe their spouse wouldn't have looked and found someone elsewhere. Some people divorce before looking, some don't. Same difference in the end.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ TO PP -

I have found divorce to be liberating. My kids are happy and adjusted well. My youngest is in high school. My oldest in college. I have a good income because of the job I got after leaving my husband. I don't depend on my husband for anything, including child support. He takes care of what he wants to pay for (which is not much). I make sure my kids get everything they need. My kids know what life with my DH was like. I think they are glad to have a place to stay without having to be with him 90% of the time. They definitely don't blame me for leaving. We all went through hell and back when I was married. Now we have a sense of normalcy.

Its easy to pass judgement without knowing the details. It's a lot harder dealing with certain situations in real life. You may say I should have made different choices, but really, how the hell do you know? You weren't in my shoes at the time.

No one was judging the divorce. It was the affair. Not sure how you having an affair was relevant to any of this.

The affair got me and the other guy to the point of realizing we had other options than sticking with our crappy marriages. We both excepted each other for the baggage we brought to the table. He eventually left his wife and I left my husband. We are still together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ TO PP -

I have found divorce to be liberating. My kids are happy and adjusted well. My youngest is in high school. My oldest in college. I have a good income because of the job I got after leaving my husband. I don't depend on my husband for anything, including child support. He takes care of what he wants to pay for (which is not much). I make sure my kids get everything they need. My kids know what life with my DH was like. I think they are glad to have a place to stay without having to be with him 90% of the time. They definitely don't blame me for leaving. We all went through hell and back when I was married. Now we have a sense of normalcy.

Its easy to pass judgement without knowing the details. It's a lot harder dealing with certain situations in real life. You may say I should have made different choices, but really, how the hell do you know? You weren't in my shoes at the time.

No one was judging the divorce. It was the affair. Not sure how you having an affair was relevant to any of this.

Anonymous wrote:^^^ TO PP -

I have found divorce to be liberating. My kids are happy and adjusted well. My youngest is in high school. My oldest in college. I have a good income because of the job I got after leaving my husband. I don't depend on my husband for anything, including child support. He takes care of what he wants to pay for (which is not much). I make sure my kids get everything they need. My kids know what life with my DH was like. I think they are glad to have a place to stay without having to be with him 90% of the time. They definitely don't blame me for leaving. We all went through hell and back when I was married. Now we have a sense of normalcy.

Its easy to pass judgement without knowing the details. It's a lot harder dealing with certain situations in real life. You may say I should have made different choices, but really, how the hell do you know? You weren't in my shoes at the time.

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Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a marriage breaks because of the other women. Men do actually leave their wives for someone else. And sometimes the marriage with the other woman is a happy marriage that lasts.
I know one such family.

The guy's marriage was probably broken long before the other woman came along. He would eventually have left his wife even if he didn't have an affair. The affair was just validation that he could be happy with someone else and that there were other options than sticking with a crappy marriage.

I always say it takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to break it. There has to be something wrong for the other spouse to have an affair. To be angry at the third party is natural, because that is what you need to do in order to be innocent, and to admit that you are not so perfect is hard.
All relationships are not long term, neither are all marriages

It takes two to break a marriage, but only one to have an affair. Sorry, but that's like blaming alcoholism on a bad marriage. "I drink because our marriage sucks!" It's just blaming, and the affair is just a clutch. The vast majority of affairs cause a lot of pain for everyone involved, including those in the affair. It's short-term gain/instant gratification for a long of long term mess, usually.

PP -

As someone who has had an affair, from my perspective did it hurt my husband? Yes. Did it hurt the other man's wife? Yes. Did it hurt me and the guy I had an affair with? No. We both had already checked out of the marriage long before the affair began.

If we were happy in our marriages, would we have been drawn to each other? Probably not. Are we happier now that our marriages are over? Yes. Sure we probably should have separated and divorced first but we both were unsure of that final step. I think the fact that we found each other confirmed to us that our marriages were over.

Hard to understand unless you have been there.

I disagree. Acting selfishly with no regard for anyone but you always hurts you in the end.

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You sound like quite the victim. No one can entrap you if they can't prevent you from having an affair. That makes no sense. You could have left. It was your decision. Instead you took a cowardly way out, and screwed some loser married guy. I don't get women or men who settle for such low hanging fruity.

I think marriage has to be based on more than love. It is a partnership, particularly when kids are involved. Leaving because the love is gone seems a little immature, shallow. The caveat is that it is no longer a partnership where physical abuse is involved.

I'm confused. Are you saying having an affair is the way to go? I disagree with you there. Especially if there are children involved. An affair takes time and energy and if you are taking that way from the family, it is wrong. It sounds like a lot of justification. And you got divorced anyway so doesn't sound like the affair helped anything.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I imagine divorce with kids is hell.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a marriage breaks because of the other women. Men do actually leave their wives for someone else. And sometimes the marriage with the other woman is a happy marriage that lasts.
I know one such family.

The guy's marriage was probably broken long before the other woman came along. He would eventually have left his wife even if he didn't have an affair. The affair was just validation that he could be happy with someone else and that there were other options than sticking with a crappy marriage.

I always say it takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to break it. There has to be something wrong for the other spouse to have an affair. To be angry at the third party is natural, because that is what you need to do in order to be innocent, and to admit that you are not so perfect is hard.
All relationships are not long term, neither are all marriages

It takes two to break a marriage, but only one to have an affair. Sorry, but that's like blaming alcoholism on a bad marriage. "I drink because our marriage sucks!" It's just blaming, and the affair is just a clutch. The vast majority of affairs cause a lot of pain for everyone involved, including those in the affair. It's short-term gain/instant gratification for a long of long term mess, usually.

PP -

As someone who has had an affair, from my perspective did it hurt my husband? Yes. Did it hurt the other man's wife? Yes. Did it hurt me and the guy I had an affair with? No. We both had already checked out of the marriage long before the affair began.

If we were happy in our marriages, would we have been drawn to each other? Probably not. Are we happier now that our marriages are over? Yes. Sure we probably should have separated and divorced first but we both were unsure of that final step. I think the fact that we found each other confirmed to us that our marriages were over.

Hard to understand unless you have been there.

I disagree. Acting selfishly with no regard for anyone but you always hurts you in the end.

One might say spouses who want to entrap and force spouses to stay in the marriage even when the love has gone are selfish. I left a bad situation and I am happier for it. No regrets for the decisions I made except to marry my DH to begin with.

You sound like quite the victim. No one can entrap you if they can't prevent you from having an affair. That makes no sense. You could have left. It was your decision. Instead you took a cowardly way out, and screwed some loser married guy. I don't get women or men who settle for such low hanging fruity.

I think marriage has to be based on more than love. It is a partnership, particularly when kids are involved. Leaving because the love is gone seems a little immature, shallow. The caveat is that it is no longer a partnership where physical abuse is involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a marriage breaks because of the other women. Men do actually leave their wives for someone else. And sometimes the marriage with the other woman is a happy marriage that lasts.
I know one such family.

The guy's marriage was probably broken long before the other woman came along. He would eventually have left his wife even if he didn't have an affair. The affair was just validation that he could be happy with someone else and that there were other options than sticking with a crappy marriage.

I always say it takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to break it. There has to be something wrong for the other spouse to have an affair. To be angry at the third party is natural, because that is what you need to do in order to be innocent, and to admit that you are not so perfect is hard.
All relationships are not long term, neither are all marriages

It takes two to break a marriage, but only one to have an affair. Sorry, but that's like blaming alcoholism on a bad marriage. "I drink because our marriage sucks!" It's just blaming, and the affair is just a clutch. The vast majority of affairs cause a lot of pain for everyone involved, including those in the affair. It's short-term gain/instant gratification for a long of long term mess, usually.

PP -

As someone who has had an affair, from my perspective did it hurt my husband? Yes. Did it hurt the other man's wife? Yes. Did it hurt me and the guy I had an affair with? No. We both had already checked out of the marriage long before the affair began.

If we were happy in our marriages, would we have been drawn to each other? Probably not. Are we happier now that our marriages are over? Yes. Sure we probably should have separated and divorced first but we both were unsure of that final step. I think the fact that we found each other confirmed to us that our marriages were over.

Hard to understand unless you have been there.

I disagree. Acting selfishly with no regard for anyone but you always hurts you in the end.

One might say spouses who want to entrap and force spouses to stay in the marriage even when the love has gone are selfish. I left a bad situation and I am happier for it. No regrets for the decisions I made except to marry my DH to begin with.

You sound like quite the victim. No one can entrap you if they can't prevent you from having an affair. That makes no sense. You could have left. It was your decision. Instead you took a cowardly way out, and screwed some loser married guy. I don't get women or men who settle for such low hanging fruity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a marriage breaks because of the other women. Men do actually leave their wives for someone else. And sometimes the marriage with the other woman is a happy marriage that lasts.
I know one such family.

The guy's marriage was probably broken long before the other woman came along. He would eventually have left his wife even if he didn't have an affair. The affair was just validation that he could be happy with someone else and that there were other options than sticking with a crappy marriage.

I always say it takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to break it. There has to be something wrong for the other spouse to have an affair. To be angry at the third party is natural, because that is what you need to do in order to be innocent, and to admit that you are not so perfect is hard.
All relationships are not long term, neither are all marriages

It takes two to break a marriage, but only one to have an affair. Sorry, but that's like blaming alcoholism on a bad marriage. "I drink because our marriage sucks!" It's just blaming, and the affair is just a clutch. The vast majority of affairs cause a lot of pain for everyone involved, including those in the affair. It's short-term gain/instant gratification for a long of long term mess, usually.

PP -

As someone who has had an affair, from my perspective did it hurt my husband? Yes. Did it hurt the other man's wife? Yes. Did it hurt me and the guy I had an affair with? No. We both had already checked out of the marriage long before the affair began.

If we were happy in our marriages, would we have been drawn to each other? Probably not. Are we happier now that our marriages are over? Yes. Sure we probably should have separated and divorced first but we both were unsure of that final step. I think the fact that we found each other confirmed to us that our marriages were over.

Hard to understand unless you have been there.

I disagree. Acting selfishly with no regard for anyone but you always hurts you in the end.

One might say spouses who want to entrap and force spouses to stay in the marriage even when the love has gone are selfish. I left a bad situation and I am happier for it. No regrets for the decisions I made except to marry my DH to begin with.