Anonymous
06/17/2026 09:26
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
I can attest that families delay hospice care too long. And hospice care is poorly understood by many. Aides often are still needed or wanted unless family members can function 24 hours a day.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 09:26
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
None of our parents needed this kind of care for long.
My mom died at 70 after a short illness.
My father in law died at 75 after a fall and a long illness where he was at home.
My father died in hospice. He did end up in assisted living but it was largely paid for with veterans benefits.
My mother in law lived on her own on an apartment until she was 95 and had a stroke. She died within a week at a hospital.
My mom died at 70 after a short illness.
My father in law died at 75 after a fall and a long illness where he was at home.
My father died in hospice. He did end up in assisted living but it was largely paid for with veterans benefits.
My mother in law lived on her own on an apartment until she was 95 and had a stroke. She died within a week at a hospital.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 09:20
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Let me clarify. Yes the $300,000 number was for monthly rental of independent living apartment with two meals daily and weekly cleaning PLUS 7/24 care.
Yes, the 7/24 care was required only for her final two years of life.
Yes, the money was my mother’s and, yes, it wiped out any inheritance. I was not looking for any, but my mother had hoped to leave one. And my brother and I had agreed to split costs 50/50 if she had outlived her money.
I miss my mother but I do not miss the worry and hassle of managing home aides. And she lived only 20 minutes from me.
Yes, the 7/24 care was required only for her final two years of life.
Yes, the money was my mother’s and, yes, it wiped out any inheritance. I was not looking for any, but my mother had hoped to leave one. And my brother and I had agreed to split costs 50/50 if she had outlived her money.
I miss my mother but I do not miss the worry and hassle of managing home aides. And she lived only 20 minutes from me.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:44
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is why my plan is to kill myself if I get in this situation. I’d rather leave my money to my kids than burn through it all myself.
A lot of people think this, but the truth is by the time you’re anywhere near needing 24/7 care, you’re well past the point where you could make and execute that decision. Just functionally in most cases, ethics aside.
I am planning to go far sooner than that. But agree that I am unusual because I’m not afraid of death and in fact look forward to it. Most people don’t want to die before their body fails, which is why we get to this mess.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:36
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is why my plan is to kill myself if I get in this situation. I’d rather leave my money to my kids than burn through it all myself.
A lot of people think this, but the truth is by the time you’re anywhere near needing 24/7 care, you’re well past the point where you could make and execute that decision. Just functionally in most cases, ethics aside.
A cautionary tale: my MIL told FIL years ago that if she would k—- herself if she should ever get a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s.
My FIL was so afraid of her threat that he blatantly ignored her rapidly progressing cognitive decline and waited 2 years to have her see a GP and then insisted that she NOT be told anything about her condition. All the while MIL has agnosognosia - she’s unaware that there’s anything wrong.
MIL is now in mod-severe stage and FIL refuses all outside help. He’s done nothing to help her - no safety accommodations in their home, no enrichment activities, zero insight on disease progression- he’s in deep denial and a bumbling idiot. Meanwhile, MIL rots in front of a tv, wanders around the house, goes without bathing or showering for a week or more…
Honestly, the whole idea of enrichment for dementia patients is so over the top, as well as safety (except safety of others of course). As long as she doesn’t burn the house down and/or suffers from any pain, she is fine. FIL is saving you tons of money on care.
And, dementia patients rot by definition.
Nothing matters at this stage except safety of others and comfort of the patient
+1. Your FIL is keeping your MIL alive, which is incredibly difficult work day after day. You try it for a week and see for yourself. Be prepared to spend for full time care when he can no longer shoulder this burden, and then thank him for saving the money for as long as he did.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:30
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:My parents swore up and down they would never be a burden. Guess what? When you're 90 staring at the end of life, mindsets change.
My dad still thinks he isn’t, at 80 and needing help. But he thinks he is independent.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:28
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:These costs seem inflated. I know people who care for people who need help that make nowhere near that.
Okay well go do it for less and godspeed.
Overtime. Taxes. Constantly needing to replace/fill in for people who are sick or on vacation. The size of the patient matters a lot if they need to be lifted. Everyone involved needs to be fed. A special van to get anywhere. Hospital bed. Stairlift. A mountain of disposables.
Why would they go anywhere. Leave them be
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:27
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is why my plan is to kill myself if I get in this situation. I’d rather leave my money to my kids than burn through it all myself.
A lot of people think this, but the truth is by the time you’re anywhere near needing 24/7 care, you’re well past the point where you could make and execute that decision. Just functionally in most cases, ethics aside.
A cautionary tale: my MIL told FIL years ago that if she would k—- herself if she should ever get a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s.
My FIL was so afraid of her threat that he blatantly ignored her rapidly progressing cognitive decline and waited 2 years to have her see a GP and then insisted that she NOT be told anything about her condition. All the while MIL has agnosognosia - she’s unaware that there’s anything wrong.
MIL is now in mod-severe stage and FIL refuses all outside help. He’s done nothing to help her - no safety accommodations in their home, no enrichment activities, zero insight on disease progression- he’s in deep denial and a bumbling idiot. Meanwhile, MIL rots in front of a tv, wanders around the house, goes without bathing or showering for a week or more…
Honestly, the whole idea of enrichment for dementia patients is so over the top, as well as safety (except safety of others of course). As long as she doesn’t burn the house down and/or suffers from any pain, she is fine. FIL is saving you tons of money on care.
And, dementia patients rot by definition.
Nothing matters at this stage except safety of others and comfort of the patient
Anonymous
06/17/2026 02:22
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:What do most people spend on their parents? My in-laws literally have nothing saved. They are living off Social Security, and we supplement them. And they are divorced. So I am afraid of what the next 15 years will look like.
Does she qualify for Medicaid
Anonymous
06/17/2026 00:16
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:I know it's painful, but this is what retirement money is for. It's not meant to be passed down to heirs or fancy trips (although those are nice if you save a lot!), it's meant to provide care for you when you can't care for yourself.
And medicaid nursing homes are a lot cheaper than this. I have two relatives in one. They are 3 beds to a room and they basically never get to leave their bed. They aren't helped to the bathroom and they only wear diapers.
I am saving my last 50k to go to Switzerland.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 00:16
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
He wants 24/7 care or he requires it? If he is of sound mind and doesn’t crap his pants why does he need it. He should try to make do with a few hrs a day
Anonymous
06/17/2026 00:13
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:These costs seem inflated. I know people who care for people who need help that make nowhere near that.
Right. I think the difference is whether the caretakers have medial training--like a nurse in your house 24-7 or just a person who can help you walk, use the bathroom, bathe, prepare food for you, etc., but not providing actual medical care.
If you're in the DMV or another HCOL, you'll need to pay that person helping you use the bathroom $25-$30/hr.
$25 is minimum. I had to pay for a night aide at that rate to help my Dad to go to the bathroom, later changing his diapers, 2-3 times/night. The rest of the time, she slept in an arm chair in his room.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 00:09
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:LTC might help if you are considering buying it for yourself. As the PP said, it's too late for your dad.
You definitely need to talk to your dad and fully understand his finances. How long can he pay for full time care? What are his issues? Some progress much faster than others.
You might try at home care and see if he can realistically reduce hours. If not, then he has to be made aware that if he runs out of money he will have to find a Medicaid bed if he qualifies.
We've had to repeatedly talk to our parents about the reality.
It is hard to get part time aides.
Anonymous
06/17/2026 00:01
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Yeah what do families do when the money runs out?
The next generation goes into debt?
Medicaid? Nobody can afford $250k/year, that is 4-year college tuition.
Anonymous
06/16/2026 22:16
Subject: I didn't fully comprehend the cost of eldercare
[quote=Anonymous]OP, it sounds like your dad could qualify for hospice.
Also, this is the perfect time to transition him to assisted living. Have you investigated any assisted lving places near him? Would be more cost effective and there is more oversight. [/quote]
I am not sure he wants hospice. He told me today he still wants to fight. He just wants to sit with his cats, read books and garden. He can do the first two currently.
I do plan on discussing all this.. luckily Phoenix has a million options.
Also, this is the perfect time to transition him to assisted living. Have you investigated any assisted lving places near him? Would be more cost effective and there is more oversight. [/quote]
I am not sure he wants hospice. He told me today he still wants to fight. He just wants to sit with his cats, read books and garden. He can do the first two currently.
I do plan on discussing all this.. luckily Phoenix has a million options.