Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Nothing. No way to deal with DH. Mainly, because there is not too much need for proper table manners. You teach it to your kids. Also, you can print the place-settings on a piece of paper or table placement reference guide mats (on Amazon, Zazzle, Temu) and that let your kids and DH follow it. Usually the reference mats are too fussy.

I came from a 3rd-world country where proper "western" dining etiquette was a sign of education and upper-class behavior. I was aghast at the poor table manners that I saw in USA. One can argue that things were more egalitarian here and so no one needed to be posh or uppity. Still, I taught it to my kids and also followed some youtube table manners videos.

If this means a lot to you, then you need to have some simple structure and rules around your meal times, table settings etc. If most of the time you are getting take outs or eating while commuting from one EC activity to another - then what kind of table settings do you want?

Break down all the steps and processess of setting table, bringing food from kitchen to table, clean up, manners at the table etc. Maybe you want all this fuss only on Sundays or something.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

+1 And after starting a family with this person, whom she had prior knowledge of this marriage-ending trait - OP: "DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc"

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cup

Most adults reconsider marrying and having children with someone who will most likely not change their long-held habits (the expected norm with human beings).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Oh, let's quote the HuffPo from a decade ago as if that's convincing. The fact is that author failed as a husband, so why should I believe he ever understood?

I know women here think they want their husbands to do all the chores, but those women are quite mistaken. Women don't really want a man to split the chores: they want a successful man who doesn't need to do the chores.

I get DH to do all of the tasks that are more manual labor that I don't want to deal with--trash duty, the yard, etc. Once he complained and I explained that I am doing all of the stuff that requires executive functioning and he has shown he's incapable/unwilling to handle those things, but if he wanted to start dealing with kids' doctors appointments, the schools, etc., I could start helping with trash and recycling. He hasn't complained again since. I wouldn't care if he could set a table because it's easy and I would rather ask him to empty the dog shit trashcan outside.

Anonymous wrote:I see a divorce in the future if you hinge on this.

What a stupid, petty thing. Setting a table is not a "life skill." You don't need it to function, get through your day, week, month, or year.

+1

Most people do not feel shame, FYI.

It is simpler than that, they just don’t want to nor care to do things. So get angry. A lot.

YATA.

I am sure that he knows who to do things that you do not or do not care about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Absolutely. This reminds me of my ex who seemed to willfully do things the wrong way for reasons that didn't become clear until we divorced. Setting the table is a task a 4yo can master. I'm sure there are plenty of other instances where this op's spouse digs in and refuses to take corrections about basic stuff that shouldn't lead to arguments. In the scheme of things, sure, throwing utensils on the table instead of placing them correctly sounds trivial. He probably grew up in a house where he wasn't taught to do this. Armchair psychologist in me says that people who do things like this feel a lot of shame and their reaction is to double down and keep doing it wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Make the kids set the table. You're hardly leading by example if you don't set the example yourself. Have the kids set it so they learn how and reassign the husband to the dishes, something that actually has to get done.

Yes, thank you. I was going to post something similar. OP, do your children do any chores at all?

And stop nagging your husband over this non-issue.

Anonymous wrote:Letting yourself be "driven nuts" by such a minor thing seems like a problem that needs addressing. No adult should be so emotionally fragile. Are you in therapy?

You need therapy; you keep pretending this is a one-off isolated incident.

That tells us everything we need to know about living with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Letting yourself be "driven nuts" by such a minor thing seems like a problem that needs addressing. No adult should be so emotionally fragile. Are you in therapy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

Nonstop idiocy is the opposite of trivial.

Nice try tho.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

All adults (and teens and children over the age of 5) should be able to put a plate, a glass, a knife, a fork, a spoon and a napkin at the table. As long as it is generally neat looking, it is fine. It is a pretty basic task. I don't really get how you can mess it up.