Anonymous wrote:She had been traumatized and you are focusing on chores. She was, what, 20 when she moved in with a 35 year old?!? Something REALLY bad happened there. If your husband won’t get to the bottom of it, you need to.

What you can control:

- try to talk to her every day
- ask her to do things with you. It’s ok if she says no. Just keep asking. Don’t expect yes. Just keep asking.
- ask her to go places with you. Same thing…don’t expect yes, just keep asking.
- Stop doing things for her. No laundry. No cooking unless it is family meals and she eats with you.
- start seeing a therapist.

OP said she was 20 when she married her DH when he was 36 so the trauma of whatever happened with stepdaughter moving in with an old guy at the same age is clearly not resonating with these parents.

She had been traumatized and you are focusing on chores. She was, what, 20 when she moved in with a 35 year old?!? Something REALLY bad happened there. If your husband won’t get to the bottom of it, you need to.

What you can control:

- try to talk to her every day
- ask her to do things with you. It’s ok if she says no. Just keep asking. Don’t expect yes. Just keep asking.
- ask her to go places with you. Same thing…don’t expect yes, just keep asking.
- Stop doing things for her. No laundry. No cooking unless it is family meals and she eats with you.
- start seeing a therapist.

Buy her a ticket to Arizona.
Or
Get DH to care enough about her not listening to do something.

Anonymous wrote:Where is the bio mom or what happened to her?

+1
Was wondering this

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Anonymous wrote:That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

She’s an adult, it’s not neglect. Yes, of course my children have everything they need.

Oh FFS. You seem to think buying them everything you need is good parenting. But good parenting requires FAR more than that. Your stepdaughter needs boundaries. She needs accountability. Maybe she needs some tough love. She needs someone to help her get mental health treatment. Is she getting that from her father who supposedly is a good parent? No she is not. Would you want your DH to ignore your children's needs if they get in this kind of situation?

No, he isn’t neglecting her needs. He’s doing the best that he can.

What specifically is he doing, though? You've been asked many times and haven't said even one action that he has taken.

He’s talked to her multiple times about her behavior, and has asked her to be more productive, work, go back to school, or do something, but she doesn’t listen. He’s tried multiple times.

Oh wow, multiple times. Over a year! My goodness what a strong, motivated man you have! Truly he is the leader of the family and the head of the household.

Nothing here will change until your husband gets off the couch. You have a DH problem. We can tell you what he should do, but until he is willing to actually do it, nothing changes. Enjoy catering to a grown woman the rest of your life. Because your DH is fine with dumping that on you.

I’ve never had any issues or arguments with my husband, really ever. He’s told her what to do multiple times. She says no, doesn’t listen.

Oh, FFS! You really can't think of anything whatsoever your husband could do if his genius plan of talking to her fails to get results? People have given you good advice here-- but it's only going to work if your husband gets off the couch and intervenes. Are you satisfied with your adult stepdaughter living with you forever and you doing all the chores? Because that's where this is headed.

It's really sad that your husband is allowing his daughter to waste years of her life. And it's even more sad that you don't see that your husband is the problem here.

Anonymous wrote:Where is the bio mom or what happened to her?

She moved to Arizona last year.

Did her father leave her mother for you? It might have left her vulnerable to an older man’s attention.

Your husband might feel guilt.

Therapy is in order for her and probably the family together.

Anonymous wrote:Well, the obvious question is, what is her father doing about it?

This.

You need to talk to him, and he needs to talk to her.

She is in a phase of life which is artificial:freedom of a grown up but no responsibilities.

I would start making her support contingent on her behavior (be it going back to school, chores, working, financial contribution?). You and your husband should agree on options you can live with, and have a calm meeting with her to discuss a new plan. Give her a voice in the decision but stand united about the fact that things have to change.

Try hard not to insult her. The goal should be getting her back on track for a successful future. Use a professional mediator/counselor if you don’t think you can all have this discussion civilly and respectfully.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

She’s an adult, it’s not neglect. Yes, of course my children have everything they need.

Oh FFS. You seem to think buying them everything you need is good parenting. But good parenting requires FAR more than that. Your stepdaughter needs boundaries. She needs accountability. Maybe she needs some tough love. She needs someone to help her get mental health treatment. Is she getting that from her father who supposedly is a good parent? No she is not. Would you want your DH to ignore your children's needs if they get in this kind of situation?

No, he isn’t neglecting her needs. He’s doing the best that he can.

What specifically is he doing, though? You've been asked many times and haven't said even one action that he has taken.

He’s talked to her multiple times about her behavior, and has asked her to be more productive, work, go back to school, or do something, but she doesn’t listen. He’s tried multiple times.

Oh wow, multiple times. Over a year! My goodness what a strong, motivated man you have! Truly he is the leader of the family and the head of the household.

Nothing here will change until your husband gets off the couch. You have a DH problem. We can tell you what he should do, but until he is willing to actually do it, nothing changes. Enjoy catering to a grown woman the rest of your life. Because your DH is fine with dumping that on you.

I’ve never had any issues or arguments with my husband, really ever. He’s told her what to do multiple times. She says no, doesn’t listen.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m pregnant after 15 years of being a stepmom, with my third child. -OP

Maybe she is just tired of babies being popped out into her space for the past 15 years?!

Do you think divorced men should always cater to their first set of kids needs? Give them all the attention and time? That isn’t a positive, it creates entitled children. Divorced men should be allowed to move on.

Move ON from the mistakes were made kids from first marriages? Wow.

No, that isn’t what I implied. The first set of kids shouldn’t be made to think, that the world revolves around them, that is all. Their father marrying another woman, and having children with her isn’t the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to them.

Sometimes it is. If there’s not enough attention and money for more children without shortchanging the first family, don’t have more kids.

It’s not a bad thing. There are far worse things kids could face than their father finding happiness again. There are enough resources and love to go around. And why shouldn’t we have the typical number of children in a family—two or three? Why should a woman be expected to give up her dream of having a family just because her husband was previously divorced and already has two kids? Should every decision we make revolve solely around that? “Let’s only have one child because he already has two”—no. We’re building our own family, too.

Where is the bio mom or what happened to her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

She’s an adult, it’s not neglect. Yes, of course my children have everything they need.

Oh FFS. You seem to think buying them everything you need is good parenting. But good parenting requires FAR more than that. Your stepdaughter needs boundaries. She needs accountability. Maybe she needs some tough love. She needs someone to help her get mental health treatment. Is she getting that from her father who supposedly is a good parent? No she is not. Would you want your DH to ignore your children's needs if they get in this kind of situation?

No, he isn’t neglecting her needs. He’s doing the best that he can.

What specifically is he doing, though? You've been asked many times and haven't said even one action that he has taken.

He’s talked to her multiple times about her behavior, and has asked her to be more productive, work, go back to school, or do something, but she doesn’t listen. He’s tried multiple times.

Oh wow, multiple times. Over a year! My goodness what a strong, motivated man you have! Truly he is the leader of the family and the head of the household.

Nothing here will change until your husband gets off the couch. You have a DH problem. We can tell you what he should do, but until he is willing to actually do it, nothing changes. Enjoy catering to a grown woman the rest of your life. Because your DH is fine with dumping that on you.

TROLL

This is a troll. GOOD GOD, I hope you are a troll.
Your young adult bonus kid went off with some older dude, came back obviously traumatized and you have no freaking clue. No mention of talking to her about what happened, no mention of her emotional state.
I feel sorry for the girl. She sounds traumatized and depressed.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m pregnant after 15 years of being a stepmom, with my third child. -OP

Maybe she is just tired of babies being popped out into her space for the past 15 years?!

Do you think divorced men should always cater to their first set of kids needs? Give them all the attention and time? That isn’t a positive, it creates entitled children. Divorced men should be allowed to move on.

Move ON from the mistakes were made kids from first marriages? Wow.

No, that isn’t what I implied. The first set of kids shouldn’t be made to think, that the world revolves around them, that is all. Their father marrying another woman, and having children with her isn’t the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to them.

Sometimes it is. If there’s not enough attention and money for more children without shortchanging the first family, don’t have more kids.