Op here — if we were to offer any kind of gift to a private school (which I don’t anticipate — if we ever had the money to donate big somewhere I have a hard time seeing how I would pick an elite private school already rolling in dough over, you know, the poor) it would be to our high school, which already gives my high schooler and middle schooler big tuition breaks for merit. If we gave our elementary school this saved money, it would be almost like we were taking it from our high school.

Ok. Thanks to all. I’m going to try to move on with my weekend although I am itching to know whether/ how they researched us and what they were smoking while they did it!

We are planning to say we will give $500 extra per year as usual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re been asked for $100k ($20k for 5 years, more specifically) 3 times. Unlucky to be at 2 schools and 1 church during capital campaigns. Your income may put you in that category or they made a mistake based on something else.
Whatever it is, it’s not a big deal. Commit a smaller amount and move on.

Im trying to fathom why I feel so hurt and angry when you guys are right and we can just say no. I guess I wanted to feel appreciated for scraping together full tuition for 5 kids, not to mention putting my younger kids in the school’s pipeline amidst crashing birth rates, but clearly those efforts mean nothing. I’ve heard that many more applicants for k this year are only children and i wonder if that’s actually an advantage because families can funnel all those resources fully to the school and they don’t even have to bother educating anybody!

Wow, this level of entitlement is unbelievable even on this forum. And I speak as a private school parent. Of course it was so selfless for you to have five children and deciding to send them to a private school. What an effort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No school asks for specific amounts.

If your school did OP leave.

Not true - I work in Development and hour Head specifically tailors his amounts to according the research on the family's capacity.

Definitely creepy. Your “research” is just an abuse of the privacy of the families at the school.

DP. It’s not an “abuse of privacy”. They don’t tell anyone about a family’s wealth. They use the information only to try to tailor requests to potential large donors. Many nonprofits do this. If you get junk mail asking for donations to help sick kids or abused dogs or anything else, they’ve used the same tools. They aren’t going to start with a $100k ask because they don’t have a connection with you yet, but your kids’ school does have a connection.

Wrong. It is absolutely a violation of the privacy of the families that school is supposed to serve. Did you ask for consent?

I have never worked for advancement, development, or donor relations. I have worked as an editor at nonprofits. I have also been on the receiving end of requests. No has ever asked for consent before asking me for money, no. That would be odd.

I’m trying to understand what violation you think has occurred. Simply the fact that one or two people at the school have used publicly available data combined with research tools to come up with an estimate of what they think a family can afford to give? I can understand if you wish we lived in a world where no one had any information about your wealth, but we don’t. Schools, like any nonprofit, are simply using the tools they have available.

It would absolutely be a violation if the development folks were broadcasting or publicizing family wealth information. But they do not do that. These offices (at schools and other nonprofits) keep that information confidential within the team and maybe a high admin, like the HOS. They aren’t blabbing, and you can even give anonymously if you don’t want your name to appear anywhere for other families to know.

Try to keep up. If your child’s school is purchasing personal data about their families from the legally dubious black data markets, to estimate their assets and wealth, that is a violation of privacy for these families. That is a violation of trust. They should absolutely ask for consent before engaging in these highly concerning data collection practices that most of us view a gross abuse of our privacy.


Calling this publicly available data is just not accurate. It is personal data that is brokered and sold by companies operating in a legal gray area. The individuals have not knowingly consented to this but it happens anyway.

These families would be very upset if they understood what the development offices were engaging in. That is why the schools do not ask for consent. Nobody would give it.


The fact that these schools are actually supporting these black markets for personal data by paying for the data is even more upsetting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our small private elementary is fundraising for a building project. They called us in to meet with the fundraising lady and the principal — and they asked us for 100 thousand dollars. Verbally and then in writing.

I am floored. My husband and I drive used cars. We have five kids, four of them in private school (and I have a part time nanny for the fifth, a baby, so I can work.) we have no need based aid but two of my kids go to a high school with merit aid and we did not give them the option of looking at the more competitive local school due in large part because we wanted the aid.

Our hhi is 500-600k and we have about 2.5 million in the stock market.

I have a very wealthy friend with a fortune of about 500 million and she did nobody has ever asked her for that much money. I’m really upset and confused.

To top it all off, these renovations will not be finished while my kids are in elementary, although they will mess up the rest of their time there with constant construction. So they will never get to enjoy them.


Also, are heads of school usually involved like this? I feel like there is a conflict if interest? The principal even referenced a minor disciplinary issue my son had earlier in the year at the start of the meeting.

What on earth are they thinking and how do we respond? We would give them maybe $500 a year. We were expecting them to ask for maybe $5000 and we would go up to a thousand. Two kids at the school and this is our second year there.

I work in fundraising (not in schools) and can tell you that your HHI + value of your house + what you have in the stock market, all triggered wealth screening indicating that’s a likely gift for you. Most of those wealth screening tools are ridiculously expensive and notoriously wrong. Also, this is just bad fundraising.

+1

It is bad fundraising.

Wealth screening for assets really doesn’t provide any insight into your inclination or capacity to give.

Your history of giving is a better indicator.

I hope the school reads this thread and recognizes their error.

Op: did they ask you for a lesser amount, and where will you ultimately land? $5k? $10k?

Anonymous wrote:Our small private elementary is fundraising for a building project. They called us in to meet with the fundraising lady and the principal — and they asked us for 100 thousand dollars. Verbally and then in writing.

I am floored. My husband and I drive used cars. We have five kids, four of them in private school (and I have a part time nanny for the fifth, a baby, so I can work.) we have no need based aid but two of my kids go to a high school with merit aid and we did not give them the option of looking at the more competitive local school due in large part because we wanted the aid.

Our hhi is 500-600k and we have about 2.5 million in the stock market.

I have a very wealthy friend with a fortune of about 500 million and she did nobody has ever asked her for that much money. I’m really upset and confused.

To top it all off, these renovations will not be finished while my kids are in elementary, although they will mess up the rest of their time there with constant construction. So they will never get to enjoy them.


Also, are heads of school usually involved like this? I feel like there is a conflict if interest? The principal even referenced a minor disciplinary issue my son had earlier in the year at the start of the meeting.

What on earth are they thinking and how do we respond? We would give them maybe $500 a year. We were expecting them to ask for maybe $5000 and we would go up to a thousand. Two kids at the school and this is our second year there.

I work in fundraising (not in schools) and can tell you that your HHI + value of your house + what you have in the stock market, all triggered wealth screening indicating that’s a likely gift for you. Most of those wealth screening tools are ridiculously expensive and notoriously wrong. Also, this is just bad fundraising.

Can anyone recommend a brokerage that doesn't sell your asset information to these data collectors?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol

I wish this would have happened to me. My husband would have a field day in this situation.

What did you actually say in the moment?

“Ahem. Seriously? I mean, what? We have 5 kids to put through private school, college, and grad school…what makes you think we have $100k to donate? Is this a joke? Are we being punked?”

That’s why they didn’t ask you. Who do you think is paying for your kids’ amazing arts program and state of the art science labs? It’s not the contrarians.

Are you in development?

Putting parents on the spot with an ask that large isn’t smart.

Development 101: if a donor last gift was $1k, try to move them up to $2,500 or maybe $5k…maybe $10k if you have clear evidence of routine gifts elsewhere.

But asking for $100k is poor judgment.

The nonprofit where I work (along with some others I know) panicked and started doing this. Most of the donors were too flustered to complain directly during the ask and waited a few days before sharing their disappointment with such a ridiculous ask.

Having said that, a few of the $100k asks ultimately delivered $25k gifts…and maybe that was the real goal? But they definitely alienated a bunch of donors along the way.

In short: it’s a desperate move that makes donors question your judgment and financial resilience.

Anonymous wrote:100k over 5 years is $20k/year. That's 3-4% of your income. If you bought your house at $800k and clearly don't have high fixed vehicle costs, I really don't think this is an ask that's so high as to be rude. The fact that you have 2.5million in investments means you obviously aren't spending every penny you earn. Presumably they're starting a negotiation by asking for a little more than they think you will actually give. You should feel free to decline if it's outside your budget, but I think being insulted is the wrong response here.

This

Anonymous wrote:Op here — the people who do not believe that I am a real person are just proving my point. I am writing here because it seems insane and I am so confused.

Let me also say that I am not new to the private school world — my oldest is a freshmen in high school: she went all the way through another k-6 and then switched into another private for middle and high. Nobody has ever asked us for more than a token donation to the annual drive, which we give. (And we have at times been giving it at three separate schools so it adds up)

This is not unusual if a school is running a capital campaign. They often do the big asks privately before they launch the public campaign so they adjust their fundraising goals if needed and can say "we've already raised whatever amount." Clearly their information about your means is incorrect, and it's perfectly okay to tell them that you aren't in the position to contribute that much and will consider making a donation once the campaign is beyond its quiet phase.

Don't freak out too much.

I gave $1,500 to a specific political candidate once (first $1K about a month before the election, then $500 in the week before the election that I figured would get used on ads because the race was neck and neck). I felt very strongly about that specific candidate and that race. I also did door to door work for the candidate on election day.

My family's less affluent than OP's and we are very thrifty. The above is the only political contribution I've ever made except $20 to a city commissioner candidate. Also the only time I've campaigned. After that, I did get occasional calls from the entire party and its candidates asking me to chip in with $1K as the starting suggestion. Those calls always took my breath away as I've never made a snap decision about that amount of $.

The school is probably asking every family at your school who is not in need of financial aid.

I had a cousin who was well-educated, married, had a pension, and didn't have kids. When he passed, his will donated a fair bit of money to the SLAC that he and his wife attended and that his parents met at. He got his name put on a renovated facility within the student union. I don't know how much he gave but it was probably a decent chunk of his lifetime wealth.

Have another elderly childless distant relative who got a huge payout from a wrongful death/malpractice lawsuit re: her husband and put it all into scholarships for local kids.

There was a story around me where a union forklift driver donated about $1M (his entire life savings) for scholarships.

People can have surprising resources, especially because the stock market is doing well.

Sounds like they are just shaking the trees. A bit gracelessly. A background data mistake is also probable. Like maybe your house value is wrong. I also think statistically the high number of kids you have is a marker of extra affluence at the upper end of the American income/wealth distribution.

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting how many people earn a living from the industry of extracting resources from HNWIs.

Eh. More people earn a living extracting resources from Jane and John Doe. Including many HNWIs.

100k over 5 years is $20k/year. That's 3-4% of your income. If you bought your house at $800k and clearly don't have high fixed vehicle costs, I really don't think this is an ask that's so high as to be rude. The fact that you have 2.5million in investments means you obviously aren't spending every penny you earn. Presumably they're starting a negotiation by asking for a little more than they think you will actually give. You should feel free to decline if it's outside your budget, but I think being insulted is the wrong response here.

It is interesting how many people earn a living from the industry of extracting resources from HNWIs.

Anonymous wrote:lol

I wish this would have happened to me. My husband would have a field day in this situation.

What did you actually say in the moment?

“Ahem. Seriously? I mean, what? We have 5 kids to put through private school, college, and grad school…what makes you think we have $100k to donate? Is this a joke? Are we being punked?”

That’s why they didn’t ask you. Who do you think is paying for your kids’ amazing arts program and state of the art science labs? It’s not the contrarians.

lol

I wish this would have happened to me. My husband would have a field day in this situation.

What did you actually say in the moment?

“Ahem. Seriously? I mean, what? We have 5 kids to put through private school, college, and grad school…what makes you think we have $100k to donate? Is this a joke? Are we being punked?”