Anonymous wrote:OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

And no one taught me how to do this. Most of us aren't taught, and I think those women whose parents do teach them how to respect themselves and rule out jerks and losers pick better.

My dad was all those things. He was also rich when he married my mom. He worshiped the ground she walked on.

Through no fault of his, he and my mom found themselves penniless and with a big family to feed. Life became hard, and my dad didn't have the tools to overcome the misfortune. He trained as an artist, haha. My mom is the one who stepped up to the plate, seized the bull by the horns and pulled the family out of certain poverty and privation through sheer willpower and smarts. She was an ethical person, and she had self respect. She did it through honest hard work.

In the end they raised their family in a working class neighborhood, but avoided certain poverty. I had the happiest childhood imaginable. I am profoundly grateful for the happy, supportive working class neighborhood where I grew up.

My dad was a sweet and kind man, and my mom was lucky to have him. They were lucky to have each other.

OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

What are tough times to you? Addiction, personality disorder, cheating? There are plenty of image conscious people who stay unhappily married and raise their children in dysfunction while telling them it’s normal and teaching them to avoid feelings and emotions. And then their kids either realize the harm and distance themselves at even more personal and emotional cost or recreate it in their own families. Divorce is usually a symptom of dysfunction being addressed in some way. Staying married can mean there isn’t dysfunction or there’s dysfunction that isn’t being addressed, which usually means the adults lack the emotional capabilities to address it and that says a lot about their parenting.

Regardless, no person is an extension of their parents’ decisions, upbringings, personalities, etc. Everyone has agency and identity and is capable of making their own decisions and building their own life. To see someone simply as an extension of their parents and family is simplistic.

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

Land one? I've never even met a guy with every one of those qualities.

Are you a virgin or did some lacking dudes still get to hit?

How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

Land one? I've never even met a guy with every one of those qualities.

Anonymous wrote:Is it just the luck of the draw?? How do they do it?!

Continue to strengthen self awareness, empathy, boundaries, self regulation, and identity. If you grew up with unhealthy attachment doing all of this will help you to recognize and form healthy attachments. If you grew up with healthy attachment this will strengthen that ability. Continue to take care of yourself physically and to make the best financial decisions for your situation. In sum, take care of yourself.

Then date selectively (people who on paper appear to be compatible) and end things quickly with people who you are not compatible with and/or can’t form healthy attachment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

Most women choose to stay with cheaters. So, you may very walk into someone whose mother chose to stay not because the marriage is strong but because the woman like most women choose to stay with a cheater.

Agreed. I personally don't use divorced parents as a litmus test, because I'd far rather a divorced family than a rug-sweeping cheating one. PP says "when the going gets tough they stick through it". I'd rather my man not be the cause of the going getting tough, and you'd better believe I am not staying with someone causing the issues. If your man is the cause of the going getting tough and you choose to stick it out, you're only hurting yourself.

Oh, we definitely have a difference in “tough” definitions. I meant tough decisions about jobs, where to live, where to put your kids in school - sometimes what milk to buy. These things cause arguments that can be tough. I’ve never made a choice that put me in your type of “tough” situation. Nor have I seen a man in my family or extended family be abusive, drug addicted, or cheat! I’m so sorry for you that this is your baseline and your head went there.

Oh for sure. I am just noting that if HE is the problem I think having divorce as an out is incredibly helpful. I would agree that if someone divorces over what milk to buy they shouldn't be in a marriage anyways.

I knew a couple who argued about literally everything. That’s why I threw the milk in there - I remember a heated argument about skim vs 2%!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

Most women choose to stay with cheaters. So, you may very walk into someone whose mother chose to stay not because the marriage is strong but because the woman like most women choose to stay with a cheater.

Agreed. I personally don't use divorced parents as a litmus test, because I'd far rather a divorced family than a rug-sweeping cheating one. PP says "when the going gets tough they stick through it". I'd rather my man not be the cause of the going getting tough, and you'd better believe I am not staying with someone causing the issues. If your man is the cause of the going getting tough and you choose to stick it out, you're only hurting yourself.

Oh, we definitely have a difference in “tough” definitions. I meant tough decisions about jobs, where to live, where to put your kids in school - sometimes what milk to buy. These things cause arguments that can be tough. I’ve never made a choice that put me in your type of “tough” situation. Nor have I seen a man in my family or extended family be abusive, drug addicted, or cheat! I’m so sorry for you that this is your baseline and your head went there.

Oh for sure. I am just noting that if HE is the problem I think having divorce as an out is incredibly helpful. I would agree that if someone divorces over what milk to buy they shouldn't be in a marriage anyways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1/3 luck
1/3 being nice, cute, smart yourself
1/3 knowing what a good guy looks like, either because you had a great dad or you just figured it out along the way

I think it's more than 50% knowing what a good guy looks like and snapping him up. The women I know who are married to amazing men are just so good at this. They are nice and smart and some are cut too, I don't think luck had a lot to do with it.

Agreed. Sure there is some luck, but I think knowing what you want from a young age and snapping up that man is important. I married one of those guys that is an all around amazing man (makes good money, is very attractive, wonderful dad, boy scout leader, sports coach, can fix anything in our home, perfect husband). I've spent a while trying to figure out how I got so lucky and I just think I had timing on my side. I met him in undergrad and immediately thought he walked on water. I'm a great wife, but I definitely married up.

That being said, I've known a lot of men who thought they were too young for marriage and they didn't snap up the good women they dated. I have quite a few guy friends with a lot of regret. My own DH even wished we'd met later in life because he wanted to solely focus on his career in his 20s. Life doesn't work like that though. You get one shot and you have to take it. Good people don't come around nonstop and are hard to find.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

Most women choose to stay with cheaters. So, you may very walk into someone whose mother chose to stay not because the marriage is strong but because the woman like most women choose to stay with a cheater.

Agreed. I personally don't use divorced parents as a litmus test, because I'd far rather a divorced family than a rug-sweeping cheating one. PP says "when the going gets tough they stick through it". I'd rather my man not be the cause of the going getting tough, and you'd better believe I am not staying with someone causing the issues. If your man is the cause of the going getting tough and you choose to stick it out, you're only hurting yourself.

Oh, we definitely have a difference in “tough” definitions. I meant tough decisions about jobs, where to live, where to put your kids in school - sometimes what milk to buy. These things cause arguments that can be tough. I’ve never made a choice that put me in your type of “tough” situation. Nor have I seen a man in my family or extended family be abusive, drug addicted, or cheat! I’m so sorry for you that this is your baseline and your head went there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

Most women choose to stay with cheaters. So, you may very walk into someone whose mother chose to stay not because the marriage is strong but because the woman like most women choose to stay with a cheater.

True. However this would be obvious to me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

Maybe. What it tells me is that someone MAY have finally understood that they don’t have to subject themselves and their children to untenable circumstances. So, while a good marriage is a good sign, a divorce can also mean having the strength and courage to leave a bad situation.

People who get into bad marriages made bad choices. I don’t want to be with someone who has a history of bad choices in their family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got burned by my first boyfriend who was a loser. I am glad that this happened because I had high standards from a young age. I refused to be with someone who did not treat me well.

I’m surprised at how many women are willing to put up with bad men.

I was attractive and smart so it was always easy to meeet men.

And how many men are willing to put up with bad women.

Men and women are willing to look past a lot of red flags.

What's with the victimese here? Go start your own thread.

It’s a human issue, not a gendered issue. Nothing about being a victim. Just that there are good and bad men and women and as a human, finding another human to share life with who treats you well is hard. Many humans look past red flags or stay with a bad partner, regardless of the gender of each. It has nothing to do with being a man or being a woman. It has to do with being a human.

Not really. More men are abusers than women. Women choosing a wrong man can end her life. Stop trying to minimize women's' experiences. Not everything has to be turned into "what about the mennnnn".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got burned by my first boyfriend who was a loser. I am glad that this happened because I had high standards from a young age. I refused to be with someone who did not treat me well.

I’m surprised at how many women are willing to put up with bad men.

I was attractive and smart so it was always easy to meeet men.

And how many men are willing to put up with bad women.

Men and women are willing to look past a lot of red flags.

What's with the victimese here? Go start your own thread.

It’s a human issue, not a gendered issue. Nothing about being a victim. Just that there are good and bad men and women and as a human, finding another human to share life with who treats you well is hard. Many humans look past red flags or stay with a bad partner, regardless of the gender of each. It has nothing to do with being a man or being a woman. It has to do with being a human.