Not only do we deal with this at home, but it happens at work, too. I'm the only one at work who has a brain apparently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

Farming it competitively like that just creates an awful dynamic for kids. You do you, though. It doesn't really sound "friendly", no matter how you try to reframe it.

You're really upset about it, which means you should probably look at why another person's take got under your skin this way. Stewing in your resentments isn't good for the kids either. Whatever you choose, you need to find a way to make it work. Good luck.

Not upset at all lol. Why do you keep insisting? Afraid of a little pushback? Sounds like you are the one with some issues to work through.

Lil buddy, I'm good. You keep responding at me instead of responding to the point. I'm gonna let you do that. Best of luck with it, random anon who doesn't know me at all.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice.

He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative.

Bingo! Had this happen just a couple weekends ago. Wife was out for the day, so I went and got the tree, put it up, got out the Xmas decorations and decorated the house. What did I get when she returned? Criticism of where I put decorations, complaining she wasn’t part of it, and she literally said “no one asked you to do this.” Lesson learned!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice.

He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative.

Eww. Victimese. Men are responsible for their choice and actions. Weaponizing incompetence because you received negative feedback is a weakass way to live, regardless of gender, and a whole ass choice about who and how you're willing to be. No excuses.

First, I like the reframe on page 1, and feel it too now that our kids are college-aged. I always know what's going on with them and they come to me. When DH doesn't know some detail (and he's a great father) I do relish how awesome I am for building my relationships with the kids.

Second, there is a control issue that's hard to break with women. DH has been doing a task lately that would definitely be considered feminine. It bugs me the way he does it, and I thought about saying something, but then I thought it would be foolish because he might stop doing it and then I'd have to.

Third, why aren't people creating systems. It makes life and work SO much easier. For holiday planning, sit down with a list and delegate between the two. Do the same thing every year. You shouldn't just do laundry or shopping when needed--that's a recipe for disaster. Write on your calendar when the shopping and laundry happens. Do it the same day/time every week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I have a friend currently going through what OP is describing and I find this statement you made really interesting. I'm at a loss as to how to help her because my husband is an equal partner so while I hear what she is telling me, I am struggling with understanding it but mostly I am struggling with how to help her (for now I just listen and extend sympathy and I don't think I can solve their problems but I have directed her to books or other resources that people have suggested).

So if you don't mind, would you tell me more about what you said? She works full-time in a demanding medical profession where she is out of the house and on her feet dealing with a lot of trauma at work. On top of that, she handles everything for the two kids because he just won't read the emails from the school about picture day, etc., and her youngest is too little to remember things like that on his own. The mental labor she talks about is being the one to keep track of and do everything, so how can she feel as though her husband isn't taking advantage of the fact that she keeps everything in place?

It's a mentality shift. She has an expectation that he "should" do something. Do more, get involved, read the emails, whatever it is. There's the task that needs doing (making sure the kids have what they need) and the expectation about who "should" do it. The first part isn't gonna move much. If you want school pictures, you need to buy them and there's usually a deadline (there's flexibility here, and it's not a world-ender either way, but that's the example you used so let's go with it). If she wants school pictures, she can buy them, dress the kid how she might like, and enjoy the fact that she has the resources to do so. Or, she can stew about how she 'had' to do it, and he 'should've' helped.

Expectations are premeditated resentments.

The overwhelming majority of this strife is internal. We hold some belief that we "shouldn't have to" shoulder the mental load. You can just as easily shift that to gratitude for being able to shoulder the mental load. It's the same mental load either way, but you do get to choose how you feel about it. If you want to feel resentful, keep telling yourself a person you don't control should do things differently. If you want to feel proud and grateful, congratulate yourself for doing the work.

If it's things that need to get done, reframe how you see them. But also? A lot of the stuff we "need" (e.g. wrapping Christmas presents), we really don't. We use the same "should" to force labor onto ourselves that, realistically, nobody asked for and most could probably go without. And then, if/when you drop the holiday whatever that was important to your spouse, well, there's an invitation for him to pick it up. "Thanks for letting me know it's important to you to have a 4-course Christmas meal. Are you thinking about making one, or would a suggestion for catering/pick up be more helpful?"

There's a sort of pervasive USian whining culture, pride in be busy to the point of exhaustion. It creeps in and we start to believe it. The reality is that most of us are no busier than we choose to be, and not taking responsibility for our choices. Controlling other people and their behavior isn't a choice we get to make, and we can choose to control our own actions, attitudes, and energy expenditures. Resentments are a warning that boundaries have been crossed. If we're honest, it's usually us having crossed them ourselves, doing/giving more than we can reasonably do/give while staying in balance.

And there's always the final vibe check: Would I be doing this as a single parent? If yes, then you're probably doing it because you care about it for yourself and/or your kid (i.e. it matters to you). Change your attitude about it. If no, you might be doing it because someone else expects it of you, or you think they do (i.e. this is how it was when you were growing up, your spouse likes it this way, you feel obligated to do this non-essential thing for someone beyond yourself that isn't your kid). Change your behavior about it.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.

Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be. Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about.

The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows.

I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men.

+1. It's a victimhood narrative that lets them wallow in unhappiness, which is attractive to some people. It exists in both men and women, the narratives just look different.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.

Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be. Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about.

The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows.

I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men.

Almost every woman I know who complains about the mental load is expected to earn money too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice.

He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative.

There’s a reason men adopt “happy wife, happy life”.

Yes. As a dude, so much easier and better for everyone if you just do what you’re told. You learn that fast.

I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.

Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be. Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about.

The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows.

I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men.

You can be free of this when you divorce. And then you have to let go of what happens at his house with the kids. Think if he will actually go for 50/50 or will he want much less?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice.

He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative.

There’s a reason men adopt “happy wife, happy life”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Really? He did nothing? Didn’t get the tree? Put up lights? Go to the store to buy a few presents?

He does what he is asked to do:

"I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all."

OP resents having to ask, to "handle it".

If he does what you ask, ask him to handle it. And allow him to handle it.

Sounds like you have asserted your dominance and he’s used to you delegating tasks in your leadership role. When did you become the de facto leader in the home? Why did you take that on?

I'm a PP not OP. Just clarifying from OPs original post.

The question stands. How did the roles and responsibilities evolve in the relationship? Did OP assert herself as head in the beginning and her husband took a backseat and just let her call the shots?

Yes, this is what is going on. DH waits for tasks to be delegated because OP clearly likes the control. If DH tried to take initiative and plan then there would be a coordination problem to solve with OP. OP would possibly be more PO’d than she is now.

OP, you could just delegate a larger task. Like “get the presents for the kids.” But let’s face it, there’s a reason he’s settled in to this following role and it’s really not just about him — it’s about the dynamic between the two of you.

As far as, are you stuck with this? Yes, you are — you’re stuck with him, but you’re also stuck with yourself.

OP asserted control early on, so he learned not to get into a power struggle with her and let her do it her way. And now she finds out she’s taken on too much and is overwhelmed and its all his fault. OP can’t have it both ways, she can’t want an equal partner yet call all the shots. If you want the power you also have to be ok with delegating and being a leader. But this is never going to be a 50% partnership and that’s not what OP really wants anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

Farming it competitively like that just creates an awful dynamic for kids. You do you, though. It doesn't really sound "friendly", no matter how you try to reframe it.

You're really upset about it, which means you should probably look at why another person's take got under your skin this way. Stewing in your resentments isn't good for the kids either. Whatever you choose, you need to find a way to make it work. Good luck.

Not upset at all lol. Why do you keep insisting? Afraid of a little pushback? Sounds like you are the one with some issues to work through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

I'm not sure this helps you, but DH has weaponized incompetence and our child would probably die or definitely not thrive under his care. So I buy groceries and cook good meals for me and DS, but because DH refuses to participate, he goes to KFC. His choice.

He probably did this after being henpecked and criticized on earlier attempts to take initiative.