The first time he cheated, I was a SAHM with a chronic illness and two preschoolers. I wanted to think that I was choosing to stay out of love and rational hope, but I think it was out of fear. Survival and taking care of your kids are powerful instincts.

He went to therapy, and life moved on. He's a generally well-respected person (my character and standing helped with that) and very very successful in his career. But he's also completely disorganized and, I believe, a functional alcoholic. He has very little self-awareness, empathy, or emotional resilience. I overfunctioned for him.

Then he fell in love again with his "friend." He claims it wasn't physical until he left because he "learned his lesson." Whatever, at this point, who cares. I need to focus on learning my lessons.

I will say that my feeling of wanting to yeet the other woman and hang on to my marriage only happened the first time around. The second time, I had learned enough about affairs to understand what this said about him. A person who could be given a second chance and then "accidentally" fall in love with his friend had learned nothing, not grown at all.

If I'd left ten years ago, I would not be set like I am today. He was making a fraction of his current salary then. Having been married ten years, I'd have gotten a few years of alimony. Now I have $10k/month in lifetime alimony. I have income from an LLC that I now own solely. I own an expensive house that I could sell if I needed to.

I didn't consciously say, oh, I should stay, it's too scary to leave. But yes, I felt that way. And I don't know what leaving what have looked like . . . certainly a lot more financial struggle than I'm now facing.

I know I'm an outlier. Most people don't get lifetime alimony these days, nor such a large amount. It's really hard to separate questions of survival from questions of the heart.

All these "why do women" questions generally boil down to . . . patriarchy.

I spent time on other women forums ten years ago because I really wanted to understand that mindset. They were also asking, "Why do women hang on to cheating men?" They seemed to believe that if the pesky wife would just release her vise-like grip on the poor guy, he'd run off with the other woman and live happily ever after. Well why was no one asking, "Why does anyone want this idiot at all? And why are acting like he isn't a grown man who is responsible for his own choices?"

It's an actual survival instinct . . . if the caveman runs out of the cave and leaves you for another cavewoman, then your cavechildren might starve.

People who have been cheated on have had their autonomy stolen from them. They've been subjected to mindf*ckery and often emotional and psychological abuse.

I think it's a much better use of time to ponder why people do that when they could just leave a marriage instead, instead of why a person who's had their world turned upside down might not be instantly ready to walk away from so many things in their life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel its trading one set of problems with another and unless abuse is involved, many might think its not worth it.Would love to hear from women who left and were not able to afford the same lifestyle but are much happier? Anyone?

I'm ok being poor; that's actually not a big deal. I'm not ok having my child away from me from half the time after everything I sacrificed in my career and in my personal life to raise them while DH was a completely disengaged parent and built a huge career and maintained hobbies and a social life at my expense. And now that the most physically demanding parts of caregiving are over and DC is "fun", DH gets to swoop in and enjoy the easy part of their childhood in spite of not having put the work in to raise them and being the one who blew up their marriage.

So yeah, I think most people are held back less by finances than the reality of shared custody after they've been the primary parent.

I agree-shared custody is a dealbreaker, and add to it the tears in their eyes and other issues they go through with divorce-its pretty painful. There have been posters that regretted splitting because of the "poor" lifestyle for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:For those who separated with kids in high school, did you still have to share them?

Yes, I had to share, but not 50-50. He was too busy with his new family to worry about the existing one.

Anonymous wrote:I feel its trading one set of problems with another and unless abuse is involved, many might think its not worth it.Would love to hear from women who left and were not able to afford the same lifestyle but are much happier? Anyone?

So you care more about money than self respect. It's certainly a choice.

Because the truth is women love the drama that comes with a cheater and they love having a man other women want.

Anonymous wrote:I feel its trading one set of problems with another and unless abuse is involved, many might think its not worth it.Would love to hear from women who left and were not able to afford the same lifestyle but are much happier? Anyone?

I'm ok being poor; that's actually not a big deal. I'm not ok having my child away from me from half the time after everything I sacrificed in my career and in my personal life to raise them while DH was a completely disengaged parent and built a huge career and maintained hobbies and a social life at my expense. And now that the most physically demanding parts of caregiving are over and DC is "fun", DH gets to swoop in and enjoy the easy part of their childhood in spite of not having put the work in to raise them and being the one who blew up their marriage.

So yeah, I think most people are held back less by finances than the reality of shared custody after they've been the primary parent.

I feel its trading one set of problems with another and unless abuse is involved, many might think its not worth it.Would love to hear from women who left and were not able to afford the same lifestyle but are much happier? Anyone?

Maybe they stay because they've reflected on the marriage and what led up to the cheating and realized that they contributed to the relationship problems. Maybe he's a high earner and she's been staying at home all this time and doesn't want to have to get a job. Maybe they're barely getting by on their two incomes and she can tell it would be impossible to fund two separate households if they split. We have no idea about everything that preceded the affair or what would happen if the "betrayed" party left.

I would imagine if there is no abuse and the woman is pretty independent otherwise, it makes sense to stay because of the kids because face it that divorce messes them up. It’s not for everyone though. Women who can afford the same lifestyle leave as well. So yes,
It’s kids and money.

Anonymous wrote:Just so you can’t have him, OP. It’s infuriating for you. I know.

Anonymous wrote:I'm no longer attracted to my husband, so don't have sex with him anymore. No clue if he's cheated yet. However, no plan to divorce because it would absolutely kill me to not see my child every day. Also, I want to stop working soon, so need husband's money in order to do that.

Why do you think he won't leave you?