Anonymous
10/21/2025 06:47
Subject: Re:When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I am a person whose calendar is now completely booked till Jan 10th, 2026. Then I am unavailable from 1st Feb to 10th April.
I have many friends who are super busy with family, social obligations, travel, medical treatments...and we all are empty nesters in our 50s and 60s.
My unavailability should not inconvenience anyone. It is what it is.
I am so curious about this. Can you share what you are doing each weekend (in a general sense?)
I hate this question. It’s like asking a new mom who’s unable to find time to shower what she does all day. If you don’t have a color-coded calendar where each color is a different family member, you aren’t operating the same family as someone who just has a handful of events. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Homecoming, Middle School dance, kids’ birthday parties (attending and hosting friends), sports games, recitals, fall theater performance. Then there’s the shopping, prepping, planning, organizing. We’re traveling one weekend for a wedding. I grew up locally and have parents who also have birthdays, need hospital visits. Nieces, nephews have big events.
I see parent friends at school events and sports games. Sometimes after years of cheering on the same sideline, I find I have friends I want to see. Scheduling is always a challenge.
I also have friends who are family, like my kids’ godparents. Luckily we are all in the same boat. We will drop everything for each other in an emergency. Otherwise we’re understanding of commitments and spend months just texting funny videos back and forth.
Even when the kids are out, parents, nieces and nephews will need attention. The time that’s left, I’m spending doing everything I don’t have time to do now: working unrestrained hours, traveling, taking care of my own health.
Are there actually people who have endless hours of free time?
OP here. The friend is local and has local extended family.
My family is the busiest in terms of kid activities and work. My husband has the most demanding job if that matters. I’m not local and don’t have local family.
Our husbands work in the same industry. My husband is more senior. The very few times my husband has reached out, that husband always says yes.
I don’t think the friend doesn’t like me. We are as good friends as mom friends as we can be. Our kids attend the same school.
Anonymous
10/21/2025 05:22
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
I had a friend who was increasingly hard to pin down over the years. We used to spend 2-3 hours at her house earlier on in the friendship. Eventually it turned into her springing it on me about 30 to 45 minutes into it, "well, we need to get to xyz activity!", that had never been mentioned previously. This happened a few times, now I just don't initiate anything with her anymore. She will message me to get together maybe every 6 months but it's always an "we were in the area" type thing and just a quick chat. I dont really understand the point, I'd rather just be cut off for good.
Anonymous
10/21/2025 05:02
Subject: Re:When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I am a person whose calendar is now completely booked till Jan 10th, 2026. Then I am unavailable from 1st Feb to 10th April.
I have many friends who are super busy with family, social obligations, travel, medical treatments...and we all are empty nesters in our 50s and 60s.
My unavailability should not inconvenience anyone. It is what it is.
I am so curious about this. Can you share what you are doing each weekend (in a general sense?)
I hate this question. It’s like asking a new mom who’s unable to find time to shower what she does all day. If you don’t have a color-coded calendar where each color is a different family member, you aren’t operating the same family as someone who just has a handful of events. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Homecoming, Middle School dance, kids’ birthday parties (attending and hosting friends), sports games, recitals, fall theater performance. Then there’s the shopping, prepping, planning, organizing. We’re traveling one weekend for a wedding. I grew up locally and have parents who also have birthdays, need hospital visits. Nieces, nephews have big events.
I see parent friends at school events and sports games. Sometimes after years of cheering on the same sideline, I find I have friends I want to see. Scheduling is always a challenge.
I also have friends who are family, like my kids’ godparents. Luckily we are all in the same boat. We will drop everything for each other in an emergency. Otherwise we’re understanding of commitments and spend months just texting funny videos back and forth.
Even when the kids are out, parents, nieces and nephews will need attention. The time that’s left, I’m spending doing everything I don’t have time to do now: working unrestrained hours, traveling, taking care of my own health.
Are there actually people who have endless hours of free time?
Anonymous
10/21/2025 02:55
Subject: Re:When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote: I am a person whose calendar is now completely booked till Jan 10th, 2026. Then I am unavailable from 1st Feb to 10th April.
I have many friends who are super busy with family, social obligations, travel, medical treatments...and we all are empty nesters in our 50s and 60s.
My unavailability should not inconvenience anyone. It is what it is.
I am so curious about this. Can you share what you are doing each weekend (in a general sense?)
Anonymous
10/20/2025 21:42
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op again. The husband is friends with my husband. At the last party they attended at my house, I sent Evite to both my friend and her husband and the husband RSVPd almost immediately. My friend did not know and was surprised. Another time DH reached out for my friend’s husband’s birthday and we went on a double date.
With all of this it sounds like you’re right, she doesn’t like you, but he likes your husband.
I was not the initiator of the last round of plans. Our mutual friend wanted to host our friend group for a holiday gathering. That friend said she is not available ever.
I had a holiday party last year and they came. It was via Evite. That was the party that the husband RSVPd to.
We did get invited and attended their child’s birthday party a few months ago. My husband took our child as I want unavailable.
Heaven help you. You sure keep a lot of tabs as someone who probably isn’t thinking much about it. Send out the invites, and when she’s not free, move forward with the friends who are.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 21:39
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
The fact that she didn’t follow up with times she would be available says she’s not interested in continuing the friendship. I would drop her and focus on my friends.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 21:30
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Lord have mercy. Maybe he has a new cancer diagnosis. Don't take it personally.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 19:34
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op again. The husband is friends with my husband. At the last party they attended at my house, I sent Evite to both my friend and her husband and the husband RSVPd almost immediately. My friend did not know and was surprised. Another time DH reached out for my friend’s husband’s birthday and we went on a double date.
With all of this it sounds like you’re right, she doesn’t like you, but he likes your husband.
I was not the initiator of the last round of plans. Our mutual friend wanted to host our friend group for a holiday gathering. That friend said she is not available ever.
I had a holiday party last year and they came. It was via Evite. That was the party that the husband RSVPd to.
We did get invited and attended their child’s birthday party a few months ago. My husband took our child as I want unavailable.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 18:49
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Op again. The husband is friends with my husband. At the last party they attended at my house, I sent Evite to both my friend and her husband and the husband RSVPd almost immediately. My friend did not know and was surprised. Another time DH reached out for my friend’s husband’s birthday and we went on a double date.
With all of this it sounds like you’re right, she doesn’t like you, but he likes your husband.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 17:19
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Op again. The husband is friends with my husband. At the last party they attended at my house, I sent Evite to both my friend and her husband and the husband RSVPd almost immediately. My friend did not know and was surprised. Another time DH reached out for my friend’s husband’s birthday and we went on a double date.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 17:17
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:It appears to be a dismissal, but there could be so many reasons for this. If you wait some time and reconfigure the activity you planned or the people in attendance (maybe you propose something one on one). It is my experience that people tend to get offended when you share your real reasons for not attending. So in order to escape the drama they will give you an excuse. I take it that you are not close enough to have a direct conversation about what the issue may be which prompts you to post here. If that is the case, maybe back off and engage others in the group.
My friend has three difficult children. Our kids are all in elementary school and her kids seem to be struggling in various ways. Her husband is also grumpy and does not like to have kids alone so my friend always has the kids. The friend is absolutely amazing and all my friends love her and that is why we want to get together. We like her so much that we would take anything we can get - mom only, mom and kids, entire family. In our friend group is a single mom, a married mom of an only and another married mom of two.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 14:44
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would take them at their word but also not take it personally. They have prioritized things other than getting together with you. It is what it is.
This is a major reason we have worked hard to cultivate and maintain a roster of family friends with kids. So on any given weekend, we can reach out to 2 or 3 and usually at least one will be up for a hang out, playdate, or group outing. And most of our friends have also cultivated other friends, so if we ever can't make an invite, it's okay and nothing hinges on our presence. So I'm never offended when people say they can't make it, and I also never feel guilty when we can't make it.
You clearly either have very young kids or kids who don’t have sports or activities. This worked when my kids were very young, but they weren’t that old when we started to be pulled in all directions for sports, kids social things, etc. I can’t imagine kids past very young ever having enough free time during the school year to want to hang out w/ family friends
My kids are in middle school and we hang out with our family friends a lot. Of course they have sports friends and school friends that they see as well.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 14:01
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:That is a total blow off, right?
Friends are trying to get together and one friend basically said she is never available. Can’t offer one date for the rest of 2025. She has 3 kids as do I. We all have 2-3 kids.
I have 3 girlfriends from college and we all live in different cities in two different states. We try to get together 3 times a year. One of them is dealing with anxiety and depression and her work has been really difficult lately and her children are very needy (she has the youngest out of all of us, although he is in K now). We looked at dates in 2025 back in September and she couldn't do a single weekend. This isn't the first time she's missed a trip - we usually only see her at 1 of the 3 get togethers. It's not because she doesn't want to hang out but she just can't. We don't take it personally or hold it against her. People are unavailable for a number of reasons that don't have anything to do with you. That said, maybe she just has no interest in spending time with you.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 13:56
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Definitely move on from her. She either doesn't like you or is just not a social person.
Or she’s a wonderful person but it’s not meant to be.
+1
She may emerge in a few months and say that she’s more available and would love to get together. If she just disappears all together then she may not be the right friend for you which is fine.
Anonymous
10/20/2025 13:51
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am often that person. It means what it means. My kids are both in intense sports; I work 60hrs/week. I am a single parent. Our time is FULLY booked. If I do have free time, I want to zone out solo.
So you accept that you won’t have friends.
Not PP. But this seems so simple. It’s difficult to stay out of the drama in friend groups these days. Women can be so petty.
What are you talking about? I've never had drama with a friend group and I have a lot of friends.