Anonymous wrote:Serious question
Can you watch none of those grandkids?

Yeah, this would be my solution. I raised my kids, not gonna raise someone else's, not even my grandchildren.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help.

+100 Fiercely independent kid here, which in my family simply translates to "your sister needs help" or "your brother is in a bad way right now". This is the start of almost every conversation: the boundaries have been set and they amount to no energy left for whatever I called about.

Serious question
Can you watch none of those grandkids?

Go ahead and watch your new grandbaby.

I'm a mom who paid for childcare for both my kids, because our parents aren't close enough to watch them for us. It would be nice to save the money, but we understood that we would need to move to make that work. I don't begrudge my brother who still lives near my parents for getting free help, nor do I blame them for spending that time on him and his kids.

If I'm going to give you any advice, it might be to work out more regular time to see your other grandkids, just to develop/maintain a close relationship, not necessarily as childcare. Visit them for lunch or dinner once a month? Offer to take the kids for a weekend on occasion?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help.

This! My MIL would describe DH in the same way and uses it as justification for blatant favoritism. Just because we would never be so wildly entitled to outright ask for free daily childcare or preschool/private school tuition support like DH’s sibling doesn’t mean that kind of help wouldn’t be nice!

Totally fine to do. Might not be the choice I would make, but it is fine. People have rightly pointed out that this might impact future relationships but they have also rightly pointed out the closer child will likely pitch in more when you reach the point of needing help.

As a DIL I have noticed the difference in how my family is prioritized. My MIL was in the hospital and there for several weeks after to help when my SIL's had their babies. She didn't visit mine until they were almost a month old and only stayed for 1-2 days. Over the years she has visited SILs far more frequently whereas we have a standing invite to visit them but they only come to us once every 3 years or so. (We are in the middle distance wise. No one is local. Think 5 hrs, 10 hrs, cross country flight) If you counted it all up, she has probably spent 7-8x more hours with my nieces/nephews at least). Now that the kids are all teens, it is obvious that MIL has a closer relationship with the other kids. She doesn't love them more. She just knows them better.

I think this stems from multiple things. MIL is scared to impose, DH never asks for help/visits, I have a good but not super close relationship with MIL, etc. SILs, on the other hand, want their mom and ask her to visit constantly- so she does. MIL likes to be needed, and they seem to "need" her more than we do. We visit 2-3 times a year, but they are 10 hours away.. so its tough to go more often. There is no bad blood, but it is sadly apparent that there is a different relationship and it bled into how the children interact with their grandparents (and each other).

Bottom line- I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are offering- but it will impact relationships over time. Doesn't mean you love them less, and they will still know the love is equal. But time is so precious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Once that DIL gets wind - prepare for distance and tension.

Good luck w that though.

This

My 82 year old mother (that’s not a typo) still harbors resentment towards her younger sister because my grandmother watched my aunt’s kids for free.

This is my MIL’s nightmare. She has two daughters, each with toddlers. She maniacally tracks how many days she spends with each to make it as fair as possible. There has been tension in the past between the sisters because one requested a lot more help than the other, which crowded out the available days but also created the perception of favoritism.

Anonymous wrote:
Once that DIL gets wind - prepare for distance and tension.

Good luck w that though.

This

My 82 year old mother (that’s not a typo) still harbors resentment towards her younger sister because my grandmother watched my aunt’s kids for free.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

We lived 2.5 hours from my parents when our kids were young. They grew up seeing G&G 2-3 weekends a month, and with them watching the kids for probably 2+ months total a year while we travelled/got away (husband travels a lot for work). Kids loved this, and are very close to their grandparents.
In return, we took G&G with us on several family vacations to places my parents would never have paid for themselves. Yes, they also watched the kids for a few dinners when we did that, but they loved it and didn't mind at all. They got multiple tropical vacations (including Hawaii for 21 days) and quality time with their grandkids. what more could you ask for.

It's easy to get away when you know the kids dont' really care that you are gone because G&G have arrived for 7-10 days.

Yeah, your kids don’t mind when you are gone because your parents are raising them

Sure, being gone for 7-10 days at a time 4-5 times per year does not mean someone else is raising them. This didn't start happening until the kids were 3-4 years old. My oldest wasn't away from me overnight until my 2nd was born (when they were 4.5 years old) and the youngest wasn't away until they were almost 2.5 years old.

My kids had a great time bonding with grandparents who lived 2.5 hours away by spending quality time with them every 6-8 weeks for a week+.

BUt we were raising them.

Do you also say that kids who go to daycare are not "raised by their parents"?

Because in the under 5 years, I was with my kids 24/7 except for the 3-4 hours at preschool (age 3-5) a few days per week. In the first 5 years of their lives, I spent way more time with my kids than anyone who "works outside the home" does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

We lived 2.5 hours from my parents when our kids were young. They grew up seeing G&G 2-3 weekends a month, and with them watching the kids for probably 2+ months total a year while we travelled/got away (husband travels a lot for work). Kids loved this, and are very close to their grandparents.
In return, we took G&G with us on several family vacations to places my parents would never have paid for themselves. Yes, they also watched the kids for a few dinners when we did that, but they loved it and didn't mind at all. They got multiple tropical vacations (including Hawaii for 21 days) and quality time with their grandkids. what more could you ask for.

It's easy to get away when you know the kids dont' really care that you are gone because G&G have arrived for 7-10 days.

Congrats on being rich.

Not rich (at that point). Just chose to have a SAHP, so that means you can tag along when the working parent goes on a work trip. That means we only pay for my airfare and the 3-4 extra days at a location. I get to explore and stay for free during the week (hotel room is paid for by work for the working spouse). It's the perks of having parents nearby who are willing to watch the kids for 7-10 days at a time.

And 3 weeks in Hawaii can be done in a 2 bedroom condo for $300/night You have many of your meals in the condo and it doesn't cost that much. $300 per night for 6 people....not a bad deal. You don't have to stay in 2 $500+/night hotel rooms and eat every meal out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't even try. For all you know they don't even want you to-- family babysitting can come with a lot of pros and cons.

If you want to level things out a little bit, offer them a weekend of babysitting so that they can have a little vacation. But that would not happen until the baby is older.

+1

They may not even want you to, and even if they did- surely they understand that the distance would make it difficult. I’d just let them know you are willing to cover a weekend sometime if they want (if you are willing).

Agree with this. My parents are a similar distance and we didn't want them to be our FT childcare (they would have been happy to) for various reasons. Out relationship is better this way. They do babysit and help out ad hoc

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you honestly say that you gave both your daughter and son an equal opportunity to request (or reject) childcare from you? It sounds to me like your daughter asked first, you agreed and told your son, and then your son and DIL found their own childcare since you told them you were effectively unavailable.

They live an hour away. Unless DS/DIL's work location is close to grandma, how would that even work? It would be a 2hr roundtrip twice a day to take the baby to grandma's house. No amount of free childcare would have been worth that for me.

I agree with many of the previous points made though- fulltime childcare even for one baby is a big commitment and will leave you little time for anything else (or the other grandchild). I would think hard about that and see if part-time might be an option, or set an end date once the baby is a toddler.

OP, can you honestly say that you gave both your daughter and son an equal opportunity to request (or reject) childcare from you? It sounds to me like your daughter asked first, you agreed and told your son, and then your son and DIL found their own childcare since you told them you were effectively unavailable.