Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 15:11     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand....

This is a family with a HHI of $450k. I think there's enough money there for the kids to have their own bedrooms.


Not immediately. Getting custody and child support takes time - even divorce with grounds takes time. First she has to get out and get safe and keep the kids safe too.


You can get a court order for temporary support during the period of separation before the divorce is final. Does OP not have access to funds to cover first and last month's rent? She needs to retain a lawyer who can file for separation support as soon as she leaves. There's money to be had here.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 10:07     Subject: Re:How do people in this area afford divorce?
This is why people need to be careful about tossing around the term abusive. For all we know, OP's husband is actually abusive, either physically or emotionally. But all the idiots who claim he's financially abusive because he insists on buying a Honda instead of a Mercedes for you to drive when you refuse to get a job even though your kids are in middle school have ruined things for everyone.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:25     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:I got a divorce and my income was $0 and ex made 180k when we separated 7 years ago. I was only out of the workforce for 18 months. I went back to work so I could get a divorce. It was not possible otherwise in this area. That was 5 years ago when the divorce was final.

What I did is not common. I let him keep the marital house and not buy me out. I just wanted out. I took our savings, but that was about 80k short of what I was entitled to from the house.

I wanted to move further out so I could afford housing but he refused.

Initially, I bought a townhouse 20 minutes away. It was not near equal to the large 5-bedroom house. It was just too far with my commute. I sold that TH after only 18 months.

Then I bought a house 7 min from the marital house. It was tight. I had increased my income from 103k to about 175k due to additional part time work so I could get that house.

I just sold it. The house had a lot of unforseen repair issues and I spent way more than I wanted to on those costs. I am renting. I may or may not buy again. If I could move further out, I feel like it could be better, but he would not agree.

Turns out we are both moving soon anyway because in the last couple of years we left public school for parochial school and we live far from school. We did this on much less than your ex makes. You can figure it out.


This is so many transition on a kid- divorce, at least 4+ moves with you, changing schools, dad moving too.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:20     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

It’s not crazy to need 2 bedrooms for the kids. OP may have pubescent kids and show me how a 15 year old girl can share a room with a 13 year old boy in a healthy way.

Doubtful bc then she wouldn’t need daycare expenses.
OP don’t be a martyr or keep your kids in this situation. Do whatever you need to do to get out.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:09     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:I got a divorce and my income was $0 and ex made 180k when we separated 7 years ago. I was only out of the workforce for 18 months. I went back to work so I could get a divorce. It was not possible otherwise in this area. That was 5 years ago when the divorce was final.

What I did is not common. I let him keep the marital house and not buy me out. I just wanted out. I took our savings, but that was about 80k short of what I was entitled to from the house.

I wanted to move further out so I could afford housing but he refused.

Initially, I bought a townhouse 20 minutes away. It was not near equal to the large 5-bedroom house. It was just too far with my commute. I sold that TH after only 18 months.

Then I bought a house 7 min from the marital house. It was tight. I had increased my income from 103k to about 175k due to additional part time work so I could get that house.

I just sold it. The house had a lot of unforseen repair issues and I spent way more than I wanted to on those costs. I am renting. I may or may not buy again. If I could move further out, I feel like it could be better, but he would not agree.

Turns out we are both moving soon anyway because in the last couple of years we left public school for parochial school and we live far from school. We did this on much less than your ex makes. You can figure it out.


Do you live in a really, really cheap area? In this area, you would not be able to afford a townhome or parochial schools on those salaries you describe.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:05     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand....

This is a family with a HHI of $450k. I think there's enough money there for the kids to have their own bedrooms.


Not immediately. Getting custody and child support takes time - even divorce with grounds takes time. First she has to get out and get safe and keep the kids safe too.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:03     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:What if you are staying because you feel you can emotionally protect the kids better if you are there all the time? I can run interference between DH and them, manage things, etc. it is tough, but I would not want them with him without me for 3-4 days a week. Nor would I want them exposed to his emotionally manipulative family without me. They can be a lot, and difficult to figure out, and I am exhausted when we come home from trips from the emotional and mental load, but I would fear them being in this environment without me.


OP needs to document the coercive control, abuse, and manipulation, then build a case for sole custody with supervised visitation. Even better if she can get the visits in place only after a batterers intervention program (which despite the name is not just for people who actually hit their family members, but also covers emotional abuse).
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 09:01     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
I got a divorce and my income was $0 and ex made 180k when we separated 7 years ago. I was only out of the workforce for 18 months. I went back to work so I could get a divorce. It was not possible otherwise in this area. That was 5 years ago when the divorce was final.

What I did is not common. I let him keep the marital house and not buy me out. I just wanted out. I took our savings, but that was about 80k short of what I was entitled to from the house.

I wanted to move further out so I could afford housing but he refused.

Initially, I bought a townhouse 20 minutes away. It was not near equal to the large 5-bedroom house. It was just too far with my commute. I sold that TH after only 18 months.

Then I bought a house 7 min from the marital house. It was tight. I had increased my income from 103k to about 175k due to additional part time work so I could get that house.

I just sold it. The house had a lot of unforseen repair issues and I spent way more than I wanted to on those costs. I am renting. I may or may not buy again. If I could move further out, I feel like it could be better, but he would not agree.

Turns out we are both moving soon anyway because in the last couple of years we left public school for parochial school and we live far from school. We did this on much less than your ex makes. You can figure it out.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2025 07:01     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
What if you are staying because you feel you can emotionally protect the kids better if you are there all the time? I can run interference between DH and them, manage things, etc. it is tough, but I would not want them with him without me for 3-4 days a week. Nor would I want them exposed to his emotionally manipulative family without me. They can be a lot, and difficult to figure out, and I am exhausted when we come home from trips from the emotional and mental load, but I would fear them being in this environment without me.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 22:58     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.


I hope you find it, OP. A close family member was in the same position and ended up moving in with a friend. It was crowded but gave her breathing room while navigating the rest.


OP- Are you able to get cash back when you make purchases? $20 back when buying groceries ? $10 for gas? You can get some money this way.

Regardless, you should start making a plan to leave even if it involves some instability it will be less than the instability your children are currently facing. If the abuse involves your children and is one of the worst abuse cases a clinician who works with DV survivors has seen you are in a very bad situation.
I’m sure a lot of your support network has eroded, but do you have friends or family who could help and support.

DV abusers generally keep escalating.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2025 17:45     Subject: How do people in this area afford divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That's why you don't have 3 kids...


She already has 3 kids so this advice is not helpful or useful to her. If she mentioned she was thinking about having another kid this might be a relevant comment.


Duh. The comment is not meant for the OP but others reading this thread. If you cannot take care of your child/children on your own time, don’t have them. My ex avoided CS for a very, very long time. I had to foot 100% of the bill. Thankfully I only had one child so it was doable. Any more kids and I’d be up s&@t’s creek.