Anonymous wrote:What does divorce look like for you, OP? How will you do 50/50 custody while also working? You'll have to pay her lots of money still. Think about it. Maybe your strategy of working until 9 pm, leaving her to deal with everything alone, and then demanding sex and being angry, is not conducive to a happy marriage.

It is like a divorce situation. They are sort of coparenting, while he’s not getting any. Only difference is not keeping two households to save money.

Anonymous wrote:Women are not obliged to have sex with men they no longer find interesting and desirable, even if those are their husbands. The way to fix this is not by posting on forums but by making yourself interesting and desirable to your wife.

True, but loyalty and being faithful is not obligatory either. You seem to be very keen on keeping score and getting even, which is not helping with your marriage.

What does divorce look like for you, OP? How will you do 50/50 custody while also working? You'll have to pay her lots of money still. Think about it. Maybe your strategy of working until 9 pm, leaving her to deal with everything alone, and then demanding sex and being angry, is not conducive to a happy marriage.

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

It is, but you can just fix the other stuff.

Go to counseling.
Help more at home and/or hire house help- cleaner, babysitter, yardwork, etc. get fully engaged in your home and kids. She will appreciate it and fall back in love with you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

Pp here. I posted earlier about how this was resolved acceptably. DH adjusted his priorities and started participating in our family life. We talk and joke a lot. Kiss a lot. Hold hands a lot.
Yesterday, I drove two hours each way to pick my son up at camp. While I was gone, DH and the kids cleaned up the house and did a couple loads of laundry. In the evening, we went to mass, had dinner as a family, and we all walked over to get ice cream. Afterward, DH and went on a run and had sex in the shower while the kids were playing video games in the basement.

He was like OP for a long time. Most Saturdays he would be gone before I would get up and home in time for dinner, then spend the rest of the evening on the couch because he was exhausted.
This is a huge shift. We have less money and he isn’t as big of a deal at work. He doesn’t have the body he did. Walking to get ice cream and going on a run with your wife doesn’t produce the results that hours lifting weights does. But it’s not like he has some kind of miserable life. We have a nice family and a nice life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is she on the pill? I was on it for many years and it killed my libido.

I wish more couples understood that, and that doctors told women about this!

No. That's not what this is.

I hate all the gaslighting about the pill.

PP you replied to. ??? This is not gaslighting. It happened to me. I am relating a lived experience. What's wrong with you?

Read the OP. He isn't really a husband or father and has no real relationship with his wife. So she doesn't want to have sex with him. Duh!

This

He seems really dense. Dense to his own selfish behaviors.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t know why your wife is unhappy and uninterested? Yea, no woman wants to have sex with a man who cares so little about them.

Try therapy only if you can set aside your own needs and put her needs first. Maybe eventually she’ll be interested in you. But as long as you are selfish, only care about sex, and justify your selfishness with “but I work hard!”, she won’t want you.

Also, wtf do you mean you’re playing the long game at work?

His priority is work.
Not his wife, children or home. Not even a co-priority, clearly.

Here’s a hint OP: Every time you tell her to Shut Up, add another year of No sex.

Anonymous wrote:Women are not obliged to have sex with men they no longer find interesting and desirable, even if those are their husbands. The way to fix this is not by posting on forums but by making yourself interesting and desirable to your wife.

This isn’t about finding him interesting or attractive.

This is likely about it sleeping with someone who mistreats you behind closed doors and in front of your children.
That would make me physically ill.

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

That’s great you are still sexually attracted to your wife.

However your recent and longstanding neglect, anger, and namecalling are damaging that for her.

Her body and self are under ongoing trauma, from having to do her role and your role in the house, plus “deal with” your temper and calling her a B or saying Shut up, or gaslighting.

You both need therapy to get back to where you were when you had a loving, caring, respectful relationship.

Maybe she can get past that you only focus on work. But no one can get past an angry stonewalling shut down response when they need to talk.

Do better OP. You sound like a bully. Fix it.

Women are not obliged to have sex with men they no longer find interesting and desirable, even if those are their husbands. The way to fix this is not by posting on forums but by making yourself interesting and desirable to your wife.

She has literally told you why and what to do about it, and yet you’re posting online?

Look inward, pal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

So she doesn't have sex with you and your default is to start talking about divorce instead of talk to her? Yeah. I wouldn't f you either lol.