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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really impressed by you as well. I am glad that you are being very levelheaded about this, even though you are in a place where you’re considering marrying this person. These are real and serious questions every parent in this situation needs to consider. pedophiles as you know never walk around with a huge sign on their head, may not have anything in their background search, nor do they behave in inappropriate ways with their own nieces and nephews. They are also often people you never expect. I don’t have any specific advice for you here other than to keep up your vigilance, and make sure your daughter knows that you will always be there for her if she wants to discuss anything. I had a step father and he was sexually abusive during the middle school years. Pressing me against him hard in a hug so he could feel my budding breasts. Kissing me on the lips and trying to stick his lips inside my mouth. Thank god it stopped when I started high school. My mother was unemployed, in a new country, barely spoke English at the time. Given the fragile situation, I was sure she would never take my side. Her not taking my side would have crushed me more than the abuse so, I didn’t bring it up. When she did become employed and would work nights, I would stay holed up in my room. To this day, my mom can’t understand why I have such an intense hatred of my stepfather. I cut the relationship with the stepfather and my own babies have never seen him. My step dad has nothing on a background check, he treats his nieces and nephews wonderfully, and everyone otherwise thinks he is a saint. Be very careful, OP.

Ever consider it's you, not him?

Look at that wall of text. There's something there in you that needs to be addressed for you own good.

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Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.

I don’t think it’s a matter of ego to not want to be treated like a child molester.

Nope. It’s all ego. And your ego is not more important than that child’s safety. How can you even think otherwise?

OP, it appears the great minds of DCUM have spoken, and your request for cohabitation is denied. You can reapply in 12 years when your daughter is a full fledged adult.

If you want to protect your daughter from creeps, it’s really the only way.

And the sarcastic irony completely went over your dense head didn't it?

Anonymous wrote:I think the most important part is to make sure your relationship with your children is rock solid so they will not delay coming to you when things feel wrong. Of course, the trouble is you have to be ready to take drastic action even if it’s an overreaction.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll chime in as a divorced dad to say my ex remarried a great guy who is terrific with both my son and daughter, who were in 4th and 5th grades when they met him. He was a dad to a boy and girl about the same ages, which probably contributed some to the trust at first, but I’ve seen how they interact as a Brady bunch type family and it’s completely above board.

The Brady Bunch dads are exactly the ones you have to be especially careful about. They are experts at ingratiating themselves and flying under the radar.

Anonymous wrote:What is your custody situation?

If you just spend every night with BF when DD is with your ex, that can be a pretty good relationship for a lot of men. Just frame it that you want to wait until she is a little older before building a new family — vague.

I don’t know what she is right — maybe 13? So it’s a long wait I know, but if you are keeping him busy and a fun date and he’s not looking for his own kids it can work.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.

You are missing the point nothing he says or does can make sure that your kid is safe. He can seem squeaky clean, but then when he’s actually living in your house with your daughter, everything could change.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.

I don’t think it’s a matter of ego to not want to be treated like a child molester.

Nope. It’s all ego. And your ego is not more important than that child’s safety. How can you even think otherwise?

OP, it appears the great minds of DCUM have spoken, and your request for cohabitation is denied. You can reapply in 12 years when your daughter is a full fledged adult.

If you want to protect your daughter from creeps, it’s really the only way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.

I don’t think it’s a matter of ego to not want to be treated like a child molester.

Nope. It’s all ego. And your ego is not more important than that child’s safety. How can you even think otherwise?

OP, it appears the great minds of DCUM have spoken, and your request for cohabitation is denied. You can reapply in 12 years when your daughter is a full fledged adult.

Anonymous wrote:I’ll chime in as a divorced dad to say my ex remarried a great guy who is terrific with both my son and daughter, who were in 4th and 5th grades when they met him. He was a dad to a boy and girl about the same ages, which probably contributed some to the trust at first, but I’ve seen how they interact as a Brady bunch type family and it’s completely above board.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

100%.
You’re not cool with making sure my kid is safe? Hit the road. Not going to be a good partner or step parent if they care more about their ego than a child’s safety.