Anonymous wrote:

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

You keep betraying your complete lack of understanding of psychiatry and psychology. A person with a personality disorder or unresolved trauma, etc. can be getting everything they want/need in their marriage AND be a cheater because they are so broken that they compartmentalize or lack empathy or are narcissistic or a million other scenarios. At a minimum, you lack the knowledge and integrity to recognize this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

I feel so sorry for you…

Feel sorry for your own lack of morals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

No it’s not a given. Some people are using protection like condoms anyway, so that’s about the same risk level most people go through life with. A lot of people really roll the dice and risk an STD. Sometimes the bedroom was dead to begin with yes. Sometimes it dies when the cheating starts because the cheating partner stops initiating. Or a woman can make up many excuses related to health issues that prevent sex, maybe men can too?

To be fair, cheating doesn’t automatically mean STD. Obviously if you think he’s using sex workers or something that’s a different story. A lot of the affairs are just run of the mill. Mine cheated with his married coworker, also a mom. Neither of them had had sex with other people for over a decade when the affair started.

When it all came crashing down, there was a lot of issues we had to deal with, but STDs weren’t one of them luckily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

No it’s not a given. Some people are using protection like condoms anyway, so that’s about the same risk level most people go through life with. A lot of people really roll the dice and risk an STD. Sometimes the bedroom was dead to begin with yes. Sometimes it dies when the cheating starts because the cheating partner stops initiating. Or a woman can make up many excuses related to health issues that prevent sex, maybe men can too?

Anonymous wrote:

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

You keep betraying your complete lack of understanding of psychiatry and psychology. A person with a personality disorder or unresolved trauma, etc. can be getting everything they want/need in their marriage AND be a cheater because they are so broken that they compartmentalize or lack empathy or are narcissistic or a million other scenarios. At a minimum, you lack the knowledge and integrity to recognize this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

I feel so sorry for you…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

In this case, write the "right of first refusal" into your custody plan. This means that when he is unavailable to care for them, you get them if you are willing and available. And you can keep track of how often he can't care for them on his time, and go back and ask for an adjustment to the custody schedule.

But as I said before (I'm "novel" lady), I framed it as being better for my STBX to have less time. And he's struggling even with 43% of the time. When we set it up, I said, "Are you sure you want every Wednesday and Thursday? You like to go out a lot on those nights" and he literally cried and promised that he would plan his things for other nights.

Well our kid just texted needing a ride to something next Thursday and he has a conflict. He only has them two nights next week. This is who he is. He feels that the kids are his priority. But his actions never say that.

New poster. 100% agree with the PP. Absolutely insist on ROFR if he's the type to demand time but then flake. That way they can't get dumped on someone else without your consent. I was a SAHM and XH worked long hours (turns out he worked with AP) so I have 90% custody and we didn't go to court – he just said he was too busy from the outset. Even when his circumstances changed, he never asked for more time. Like PP's situation, XH claims the kids are a top priority, but his actions say otherwise. Even when he is with them, he's totally checked out and texting with AP according to the kids. I don't ever ask for details, but they come home frustrated and vent about it. Luckily, my kids are teens, so they don't need a lot of close watching/entertaining, but it makes me so sad that he voluntarily opted to play such a small role in their lives.

I'm sorry, OP. I still struggle with the fact that his cheating/betrayal means nothing to anyone but me. There is zero justice when it comes to that.

Hey PP, I'm "novel lady." Just wanted to give you and OP big hugs. It does matter. It's a trauma. It's completely unacceptable. No one has the right to take your reality or your bodily autonomy away. You don't want to be here with me? That's fine! But you don't get to secretly change the terms of our partnership.

I do believe there's justice, though. There's justice because his life is small and transactional. There's justice because you are released from someone who doesn't deserve you. I may have shared the story that last weekend STBX shared his location with me and the kids while he was in the woods "just in case." My kids DGAF. I certainly DGAF (I mean, he has a whole girlfriend for this, I have no idea what he was thinking). We watched a movie. We got in my bed and we played Jackbox games together. (They're in 7th and 9th grades, and when they're with him they just go to their rooms, but they WANT to spend time with me.) We were happy as clams. Nobody thought about the loser who left or wondered where he was. That's his justice. He may never put his finger on why he feels left out or uneasy or unsatisfied. He may blame external things his whole life. And he's the one who pays the price for that. I'm done paying the price for his lack of self-awareness and empathy. I'm free.

I wish freedom for all of us. <3

You do have to grieve. Grief is love with nowhere to go. And then, suddenly, you realize that the love is gone. It's turned into indifference, and cordiality, and vague amusement. Maybe it's because I was cheated on twice, so I lived with the unhealed trauma for ten years, but at this point I'm just glad that he is no longer a constant threat to my sense of safety. I'm not sleeping with one eye open anymore. I did the work to heal and forgive and understand myself, but he didn't. He could barely read a PDF on how to help me heal. And now he can't read Conscious Uncoupling or Cooperative Coparenting for Secure Kids. That's who he is. He was never going to be a safe partner. And I can let my nervous system rest now. My kids have one secure parent, and that's OK; that's enough.

We're going to be OK.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?