Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO silent treatment is only abuse if the other person is trying to connect and/or apologize.

I give my DH the silent treatment if he snaps at me but it only lasts 10 min because that’s how it takes for him to apologize. I don’t consider this abuse.

But what if that person has also used the silent treatment and has been verbally abusive? Are you required to put aside your own feelings because they have decided they want to reconnect?

Not giving someone the silent treatment does not equal needing to accept abuse.

Was this posted by OP? Because you sound like you have no idea how human relationships work and it's shocking. Are you very young?

Refusing to speak to someone for an extended period of time, i.e. silent treatment, is not an acceptable way to treat someone. Being verbally abusive to someone is not an acceptable way to treat someone. If you have someone giving the silent treatment because their spouse is being verbally abusive you have serious issues on both sides and need intense therapy or you need to just go your separate ways, especially if you don't have kids (do not bring kids into this mess!).

Of course that's not OP. But you can't force people to love you after being a jerk to them. OP sounds very abusive and people turning it around on the husband are hypocrites.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He knows you're not sorry

So what? Did he lose his vocal cord? How does he expect anything to improve if he does not talk.

You want him to talk to you so you can...scream hurtful things at him again? Own your part, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is abuse. It's one thing to pause and calm down it's another to not talk for days on end. This is 100% abuse. Do not accept it.

I’m curious what you have unilaterally decided is the limit for acceptable time for silent treatment. OP said she did it to him first for at least a few hours. Is that okay to you? What if it was all day? Overnight? Two days? When does it magically change from “pause and calm down” to “100% abuse” in your opinion?

Obviously the husband decided that even a few hours is “100% abuse” and he’s not going to accept it. And now he’s not accepting it and is likely consulting with a lawyer. What do you think she’s supposed to do about it now in order to “not accept it”?

Telling someone you need space to process your feelings is not the same thing as giving someone the silent treatment. If OP said, after their fight, that she needed space to process, then ok. If she walked away and refused to engage without any words, that's not ok. If you use your words to tell someone how you feel, for example that you need to cool off before discussing, and they continue raging at you, then of course you can ignore them. That's not the silent treatment, that's defending yourself against verbal abuse.

So to answer your question, the difference between pausing and calming down and being abusive is whether or not you are using your words to communicate your feelings in a calm way. Also, you could potentially go days without discussing the actual issue (I guess, that would drive me crazy, but some people seem to need a lot of time to process things) while still communicating with each other about other things. Silent treatment, i.e. cutting off the other person without explanation and refusing to communicate with them in any way, isn't ok really for any length of time, but is understandable for say an hour if you don't think you can calmly state that you need time.

I'll say though, if you aren't able to use your words to tell your spouse that you need some time to process, your marriage is pretty crappy. My husband and I fight because we're both human but we don't yell, we don't call each other names, and we don't give each other the silent treatment. We may take time and space apart (not usually for more than an hour or so, but that's us, maybe you need days), but we can communicate like civilized people to tell the other that we need that time and space and then we have enough respect to give it to the other person. If you can't do that simple thing, your marriage is very broken.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO silent treatment is only abuse if the other person is trying to connect and/or apologize.

I give my DH the silent treatment if he snaps at me but it only lasts 10 min because that’s how it takes for him to apologize. I don’t consider this abuse.

But what if that person has also used the silent treatment and has been verbally abusive? Are you required to put aside your own feelings because they have decided they want to reconnect?

Not giving someone the silent treatment does not equal needing to accept abuse.

Was this posted by OP? Because you sound like you have no idea how human relationships work and it's shocking. Are you very young?

Refusing to speak to someone for an extended period of time, i.e. silent treatment, is not an acceptable way to treat someone. Being verbally abusive to someone is not an acceptable way to treat someone. If you have someone giving the silent treatment because their spouse is being verbally abusive you have serious issues on both sides and need intense therapy or you need to just go your separate ways, especially if you don't have kids (do not bring kids into this mess!).

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Maybe stop yelling at them and saying hurtful things?

10 days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

The only reason she stopped her “skirmish” is because he didn’t seem upset enough by her poor treatment of him, so she escalated further. Sorry, but I’m team DH here (and I’m a woman). And I’m glad that you realized with your analogy that it was she who declared war first.

She wanted to dish it out but couldn’t take the same treatment.

Not 'the same treatment" at all. You utterly ignored the fact that he met her initial bad behavior with the same behavior--on steroids.

They're both immature and both need serious therapy separately and together, but you seem oddly invested in making her the clear villain, and making his reactions into something defensible.

Get the timeline right. This isn’t something I invented, OP said it in her updates.

1. They did things to annoy each other (who knows what)
2. She ignored him for several hours
3. He gave her the space she said she needed
4. She didn’t like that he wasn’t escalating, so she screamed abuse at him
5. He decided not to put up with the abuse and to just ignore her and her abuse instead. Like everyone here says that she should do to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

The only reason she stopped her “skirmish” is because he didn’t seem upset enough by her poor treatment of him, so she escalated further. Sorry, but I’m team DH here (and I’m a woman). And I’m glad that you realized with your analogy that it was she who declared war first.

She wanted to dish it out but couldn’t take the same treatment.

Not 'the same treatment" at all. You utterly ignored the fact that he met her initial bad behavior with the same behavior--on steroids.

They're both immature and both need serious therapy separately and together, but you seem oddly invested in making her the clear villain, and making his reactions into something defensible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Uh it sounds like you missed the part where SHE dropped a nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. Trying to absolve the OP of responsibility when she literally caused this is so sexist and bizarre. Men are allowed to be hurt by abuse from women as well.

Absolutely. But for 5 days? That's absurd.

It’s not 5 days. It’s forever. Hard to know the entirety of the dynamic here. But whatever OP did was the end.

Any update OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

The only reason she stopped her “skirmish” is because he didn’t seem upset enough by her poor treatment of him, so she escalated further. Sorry, but I’m team DH here (and I’m a woman). And I’m glad that you realized with your analogy that it was she who declared war first.

She wanted to dish it out but couldn’t take the same treatment.

Nah, you’re just one of those people who invents scenarios to bash an OP no matter what.

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at the whole picture.

Your husband has been ignoring you for 5 days
Prior to this, you screamed at him and yelled hurtful things at him in an attempt to get him to engage with you.
Prior to that, you were ignoring him
Prior to that, he said something you found hurtful.

Clearly you can see how incredibly toxic you BOTH are. And your response now is "I just want him to show he loves me" just shows you aren't actually trying to solve what happened. You guys either need to start the divorce process or get therapy.

OP sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Uh it sounds like you missed the part where SHE dropped a nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. Trying to absolve the OP of responsibility when she literally caused this is so sexist and bizarre. Men are allowed to be hurt by abuse from women as well.

Absolutely. But for 5 days? That's absurd.

Hopefully he's interviewing lawyers to get away from verbally abusive OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Uh it sounds like you missed the part where SHE dropped a nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. Trying to absolve the OP of responsibility when she literally caused this is so sexist and bizarre. Men are allowed to be hurt by abuse from women as well.

Absolutely. But for 5 days? That's absurd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

The only reason she stopped her “skirmish” is because he didn’t seem upset enough by her poor treatment of him, so she escalated further. Sorry, but I’m team DH here (and I’m a woman). And I’m glad that you realized with your analogy that it was she who declared war first.

She wanted to dish it out but couldn’t take the same treatment.