Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young adult son is anaphylactic to peanuts, pistachios, hazelnuts and possibly pine nuts (never proven, I've never met an allergist who could do a skin test for that).

Some of our friends and relatives have, over the course of his childhood, forgotten his allergies, particularly because previously he couldn't eat ANY nuts, and also had reactions to almonds, pecans, walnuts, etc, so it became rather complicated to follow.

We would never excoriate them for their memory slips. It's hard to remember when you're not living with the child in question!

However, I did give my husband a very hard time for forgetting his own son's allergies when he was younger. We, the parents, are supposed to act as bulwarks! He forgot on two occasions, which lead to severe reactions both times: I was livid. My husband and son have ADHD, which makes remembering allergies harder... but still. I was hyper vigilant when DS was young and I would always remind hosts of parties that he was allergic to nuts, and hand them the Epipen. I only felt more relaxed when as a teen he started remembering his own allergies systematically. He still forgets his Epipen.

ADHD and anaphylaxia is a really bad mix.

Why haven’t you just categorically ruled out tree nuts?

Because as the child ages and becomes independent, the goal switches from protecting them at all costs by total avoidance, to living independently with the risk of anaphylaxis in the wider world (work place potlucks, friends or relatives who add allergenic ingredients, etc). This mean, for a large number of kids like my son, that they will be tested for IgEs, and if their level for that allergen is low enough, the allergist will decide to do a food challenge: have them eat a graduated and progressive larger amount of the allergen, in the office, under close supervision of doctors and nurses, Epipen at the ready. If the patient manages to eat all the mini cups of food, they are deemed "successful", and are allowed to ingest very small portions of that food outside of the doctor's office, to "maintain" their reduced sensitivity to it.

For my son this translates to the fact he can accidentally ingest a couple of peanuts and not drop dead immediately. His allergy to almonds has largely disappeared, and he can have a normal portion of dessert with almonds. He can have a couple of pecans, a few walnuts. He still has to be very careful with pistachios (he failed the food challenge and the nurse jabbed him with an Epipen) and hazelnuts, which is a shame, because chocolates with fillings often have pralines, which are made with hazelnuts. The point is for the adult patient to eat a bite, realize due to symptoms that it contains a deadly allergen, call 911, stick themselves with the Epipen... but that their lowered sensitivity will allow them to survive with a much greater probability than if they had not had that consistent exposure.

Some patients never reach that stage, because their allergies are too severe. And some should consistently expose themselves, but don't, because their anaphylactic reactions in the past have been so traumatizing that they can't bring themselves to eat tiny amounts of the allergen in question - which I can understand, of course. My own son isn't very good at eating the occasional half-peanut, or whatever. I would too, if I were him.

Anonymous wrote:I would blast you for encouraging tweens to mindlessly eat junky candy during a movie. What’s wrong with sliced fruit? Or heck even popcorn?

Nobody gives a thought to the diabetics at all.

I would blast you for encouraging tweens to mindlessly eat junky candy during a movie. What’s wrong with sliced fruit? Or heck even popcorn?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old with a peanut allergy. You remind the host before any party AND it’s on your kid to check and ask. My 11 year old and I still talk about this before a party or event even though she’s had the allergy her whole life and knows.

People with allergic children: You can’t rely on the world to keep your kid safe. It’s not their responsibility and it’s asking for trouble. Do it yourself.

Allergy parents have been described as helicopter micromanagers in this thread. The parent of the child with the nut allergy clearly parented well. She raised her son to politely decline. He kept himself safe. OP is the one posting and she’s embarrassed.

This worked out the way it was supposed to because the allergic child’s mother’s parenting was effective.

It was effective. But that mother also didn't barge into the home and read every label or have the rundown of the food that might be served in advance. But by training her kid, he was prepared.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

I disagree. If you’re taking responsibility for people’s kids, take that seriously. Same goes for closing pool gates, or any other normal response to a known hazard.

If you’re the kind of person who is horrified and mortified for one paragraph and in the second paragraph want to shift the blame to the eleven year old,
please do everyone a favor and don’t host.

This! OP made a completely understandable mistake. Fortunately there were no negative consequences. She is “mortified” and apologized. All good. Things go wrong in the OP when she tries to shift the blame. Some who is actually mortified would accept she screwed up and move on. Rather than try to turn the incident into a “my helicopter friend should have been better about it”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

Exactly this. The “ope, what a goof” attitude is the problem, not the mistake.

Neither my ILs nor my parents may watch my kids overnight because when they make mistakes about nuts—and they have MANY times—they get defensive, they don’t listen, they don’t take it seriously, they don’t own it, and they don’t carefully listen to reminders and instructions. They have refused to watch as DH and I demonstrate how to use an epi-pen. Oh well! Their loss. We use trusted, responsible sitters and nannies who listen and take life-threatening allergies seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

I disagree. If you’re taking responsibility for people’s kids, take that seriously. Same goes for closing pool gates, or any other normal response to a known hazard.

If you’re the kind of person who is horrified and mortified for one paragraph and in the second paragraph want to shift the blame to the eleven year old,
please do everyone a favor and don’t host.

You never know what can happen when you drop your kid off somewhere. Just keep rolling those dice.

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old with a peanut allergy. You remind the host before any party AND it’s on your kid to check and ask. My 11 year old and I still talk about this before a party or event even though she’s had the allergy her whole life and knows.

People with allergic children: You can’t rely on the world to keep your kid safe. It’s not their responsibility and it’s asking for trouble. Do it yourself.

Allergy parents have been described as helicopter micromanagers in this thread. The parent of the child with the nut allergy clearly parented well. She raised her son to politely decline. He kept himself safe. OP is the one posting and she’s embarrassed.

This worked out the way it was supposed to because the allergic child’s mother’s parenting was effective.

Closing a pool gate when toddlers are around is not the same thing as a bowl of wrapped candy bars, some of which contain nuts, to a group of 11 year olds!

Parents who think the world is responsible for their kid with nut allergies would be better never leaving their side.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

I disagree. If you’re taking responsibility for people’s kids, take that seriously. Same goes for closing pool gates, or any other normal response to a known hazard.

If you’re the kind of person who is horrified and mortified for one paragraph and in the second paragraph want to shift the blame to the eleven year old,
please do everyone a favor and don’t host.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.