Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:17     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.


Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?


I said I would be really upset not having nights with them and he said well maybe more weekend time for you would even it out.


And why does he want so many nights? Or is this so you can see patients in the evenings?

He sounds like a not very mentally healthy person and I think you need to consider whether your children are, or may be, diagnosed with any special need or condition that would make a particular custody schedule hard for them. Some kids really struggle with the transitions and prefer less frequent moves. You've said a lot about what he wants and what you want. Not so much about how they will handle it and whether this much transitioning (as distinct from time-with-parent) is going to be suitable for them.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:10     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.


Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?


I said I would be really upset not having nights with them and he said well maybe more weekend time for you would even it out.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:09     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.


Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:07     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.


You said earlier he's a good dad. Seems like you're not so sure?

You can't buy them a dad by giving up assets. Many have tried and it's a losing game.


This is astute.

He's a good dad, but he also has a lot of support in being a good dad. But I mean stuff like, he makes them breakfast and packs their lunches, he eats dinner with us every night and puts them to bed. He goes to doctors appointments and knows their schedule. He's not some checked out workaholic dad who doesn't know their teachers names.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:01     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He makes $2 mil/year?

For the love of G-d get a lawyer OP.

Get half the assets and get alimony and CS.

Guarantee he’ll remarry and could easily adopt the new woman’s kids. Get what you and your kids are owed. Your lifestyle is about to take. A huge hit.


I don't know why people think I don't have a lawyer. I spent the weekend emailing lawyers. I don't care about my lifestyle. I'm not someone who cares about that stuff. My question was specifically about seeing both parents every day.


Right, and that goes directly to considerations of child support and to your working hours and ability to earn. Maybe your lawyer can help you understand how child support works in your state specifically, when you have a less common schedule.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 17:00     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
^^and you're right that there's an element of "if I don't nurture their relationship they won't have one". Maybe I need to drop the rope. That just seems to hurt my kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:59     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.


You said earlier he's a good dad. Seems like you're not so sure?

You can't buy them a dad by giving up assets. Many have tried and it's a losing game.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:58     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.


I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:57     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He makes $2 mil/year?

For the love of G-d get a lawyer OP.

Get half the assets and get alimony and CS.

Guarantee he’ll remarry and could easily adopt the new woman’s kids. Get what you and your kids are owed. Your lifestyle is about to take. A huge hit.


I don't know why people think I don't have a lawyer. I spent the weekend emailing lawyers. I don't care about my lifestyle. I'm not someone who cares about that stuff. My question was specifically about seeing both parents every day.


This isn't about a "lifestyle". This is about your financial security. You need to face up to how much you can earn while doing this parenting-- I get the sense your take-home is not going to be as much as you think. And you need to think through worst-case scenarios like death or serious disability that prevents you or him from working. It's not about a lifestyle, it's about protecting your kids from outcomes that are unlikely but totally possible.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:56     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:55     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:He makes $2 mil/year?

For the love of G-d get a lawyer OP.

Get half the assets and get alimony and CS.

Guarantee he’ll remarry and could easily adopt the new woman’s kids. Get what you and your kids are owed. Your lifestyle is about to take. A huge hit.


I don't know why people think I don't have a lawyer. I spent the weekend emailing lawyers. I don't care about my lifestyle. I'm not someone who cares about that stuff. My question was specifically about seeing both parents every day.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:53     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
He makes $2 mil/year?

For the love of G-d get a lawyer OP.

Get half the assets and get alimony and CS.

Guarantee he’ll remarry and could easily adopt the new woman’s kids. Get what you and your kids are owed. Your lifestyle is about to take. A huge hit.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:42     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think wanting to see the kids every day can be a way of staying enmeshed with the ex. You're going to have way more interaction and communication with him because of it. He's basically got you as his driving nanny, he's got you spending lots and lots of time on logistics and catering to his schedule.

If he wanted time with them that badly he wouldn't be leaving you.


He really is basically proposing that she be his unpaid nanny. Kind of wild. I was supportive at first of OP trying this, but with more details, I think it’s really off. She needs to get her fair share of assets, get the kids 5 days/week then HE can come by and see them after he’s off work if he wants. F the idea that she’s going to do school pick up, drop off, after school care THEN drive them back to his house!


Seriously! Oh, he wants to see them sooooo much! Every day! Let's see if he's up for the drive, then.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:40     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Anonymous wrote:I think wanting to see the kids every day can be a way of staying enmeshed with the ex. You're going to have way more interaction and communication with him because of it. He's basically got you as his driving nanny, he's got you spending lots and lots of time on logistics and catering to his schedule.

If he wanted time with them that badly he wouldn't be leaving you.


He really is basically proposing that she be his unpaid nanny. Kind of wild. I was supportive at first of OP trying this, but with more details, I think it’s really off. She needs to get her fair share of assets, get the kids 5 days/week then HE can come by and see them after he’s off work if he wants. F the idea that she’s going to do school pick up, drop off, after school care THEN drive them back to his house!
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2024 16:39     Subject: Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?
Get those trusts in place ASAP. You know if he remarries and then dies, the new wife gets everything and controls everything, nothing goes to the kids. This is how children of divorce get disinherited.