Your parents are looking out for you- I didn’t say anything to my DD about her moving in with clearly the wrong guy. It’s turned into a cluster and I so wish I had spoken up more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

My mom frequently notices things too. The sentence usually goes something like “I want to talk to you about _____. You don’t notice it because (you’re busy/too close to the situation/etc) but I notice it.” In almost all cases, she is either completely wrong, misreading the situation, or I’m already aware of it. The result is that I don’t share what goes on in my life with her other than at surface level.

Given that you didn’t even know he had a sense of humor, are you willing to admit that you don’t really know him or their relationship? She knows what you think even if you didn’t criticize him directly, and it will affect your relationship. Just trust her.

+1. There's a lot my parents didn't know about my life because of critical comments. A young person learns early who is truly openminded and supportive and shares accordingly.

Tough situation. Just ask your daughter what she sees in him & listen. If she decides to stay with him against your wishes, then cut her out of your will.

My parents were skeptical of my “immature” (two years younger); “poor” (didn’t inherit wealth) etc boyfriend. But my mom once told me that she knew when I was on the phone with him because she’d never heard me laugh that much. After we got engaged I asked my mom if, other than him not being the type she imagined for me, if she had any concerns I should be aware of before marriage and she said she didn’t. I’m generally very happy with my witty, fun, supportive partner and he’s been great at supporting me through stresses that come with raising kids and supporting aging parents. It is tough when extended family is together because my siblings and their spouses and my parents all seem to get each other, but I think about the people my mom would have chosen for me to date (or did suggest in the past) and I don’t think I would have been happy.

Anonymous wrote:My brilliant, accomplished daughter has been dating a very dull, unaccomplished man who smothers her with attention and is very clingy. I'm sure she's a good catch for him. He's a rebound boyfriend following her breakup with a very bright but extremely immature boyfriend.
She wants to bring this man to Christmas, but I didn't invite him and don't want him at our family's celebration. Can I tell her this?
Her father and I have said nothing to her about what we think of him (of course), but now she's hinting at getting engaged. They've been dating for eight months.
I have seen this scenario before among my friends and my friends' children. It never ends well. My DD is "in love" so will hear nothing.
Advice?

He probably fills her up in a way other men don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

My mom frequently notices things too. The sentence usually goes something like “I want to talk to you about _____. You don’t notice it because (you’re busy/too close to the situation/etc) but I notice it.” In almost all cases, she is either completely wrong, misreading the situation, or I’m already aware of it. The result is that I don’t share what goes on in my life with her other than at surface level.

Given that you didn’t even know he had a sense of humor, are you willing to admit that you don’t really know him or their relationship? She knows what you think even if you didn’t criticize him directly, and it will affect your relationship. Just trust her.

+1. There's a lot my parents didn't know about my life because of critical comments. A young person learns early who is truly openminded and supportive and shares accordingly.

Not Op, but in a similar situation. As PP note, I don’t actually know this young man very well. If he makes my DD happy, I’ll be supportive and hope I either grow to love him or the relationship ends. We shall see.. .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

My mom frequently notices things too. The sentence usually goes something like “I want to talk to you about _____. You don’t notice it because (you’re busy/too close to the situation/etc) but I notice it.” In almost all cases, she is either completely wrong, misreading the situation, or I’m already aware of it. The result is that I don’t share what goes on in my life with her other than at surface level.

Given that you didn’t even know he had a sense of humor, are you willing to admit that you don’t really know him or their relationship? She knows what you think even if you didn’t criticize him directly, and it will affect your relationship. Just trust her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

My husband has always been more touchy/affectionate than I am with him. Are you and DH touchy/affectionate? His family is probably more like him. It doesn't mean she doesn't like him as much.

My husband and I are the same way - in fact, I remember in my 20s telling my therapist how uncomfortable his touchy-feeliness made me because my family is NOT like that at all, and she helped me work through how to talk to him about it.

OP you're an a hole

Anonymous wrote:This too shall pass. People don't have patience to stay in log term relationships or marriages. Its only a matter of time he or she'll move on, probably earlier than later as family's disapproval is clear.

This too shall pass. People don't have patience to stay in log term relationships or marriages. Its only a matter of time he or she'll move on, probably earlier than later as family's disapproval is clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

My husband has always been more touchy/affectionate than I am with him. Are you and DH touchy/affectionate? His family is probably more like him. It doesn't mean she doesn't like him as much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

This is OP.
He came, and everything turned out OK. He does have a sense of humor, which DH and I were surprised by. He's previously seemed so dull, so that was a point in his favor. And DD and he get along well. She seems very happy with him.
I had a long conversation with her, and told her about my concerns. She seemed to listen. I didn't criticize him at all, but I told her I was worried that sometimes smart women like her can be too accommodating of men. I don't dislike him. I don't want her to shrink to fit him, and I can see that happening in subtle ways I don't think she even notices. And he is very touchy and clingy around her, which I find annoying. DH commented on it after they left. It's one-sided. DD is not clinging to him.

I suggest you ask her how he is the same/different from other ppl she’s dated. This will tell you what she likes about him.

Sorry, the above should read "I didn't bite my tongue that day." Typing too fast on my phone