Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This is one of the strangest things I've read on DCUM, and I've read a lot of crap here in 10 yrs.

OP, you can think whatever you want about me. You can bad mouth me to everyone you know. There is nothing like the peace of just spending holidays with my nuclear family. It is truly a joyous holiday-finally. No more tension/drama/lowered immune system from stress and getting sick/misery/dread/fear/need for therapy appointments. We are talking more about the dangers of food toxins to health, but there is another toxin that can destroy-toxic people. life gets so much better when you just say "no."

We did the extended family holidays all the time as kids. I saw so much arguing. gossiping, insults and drama that I ended sick every holiday. I learned that I wanted to break the cycle and be a kind and loving to my children and not allow that sort of behavior in our safe haven home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This!

My DH and I have already discussed this, when the eventuality occurs that our DC decide to make this separation, that we will be vacationing for the holidays. We will take a cruise or something. When we get back, or before we leave, we will make time to celebrate, if they want to.

Exactly. Op posts this crap regularly as if it's the newest generation causing the problems. It isn't. People began moving off the farm for jobs in the 1950s and these exact problems were not unusual. People moved and often didn't see one another very much whether there were relationship problems or not. The real issue is the people who won't accept change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who abused me? In every way? And have continued to try to ruin my life as an adult? No thanks.

Yes Larla time to out on your big girl pants and grow up!! Get over it! Their time is short and your kids are watching. You’ll be put out to pasture too!!! So sick of my entitled Gen X friends bragging about cutting off their elderly parents or other crap. Spoiled pigs.

Not a single person I know brags about cutting off family members. It's painful and difficult but plenty of us strive to overcome abuse and won't go along to get along just because granny pants wants the Christmas headcount to be larger. Your post is dishonest and manipulative.

You do your sick thing op. The fact that you feel you have the right to tell other people what they must do tells us everything we need to know about you.

Anonymous wrote:I alternate holidays with my parents and in laws, but I do also talk to them regularly. You know why? They're nice people who make the time I spend traveling a pleasant experience.

So if your kids are shutting you out in Christmas, well, there were 365 other days to this year, let's look at how the relationship was on those days.

No, it’s absolutely not always the parents’ fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so grateful my parents don't insist we travel to them or they travel to us during the holidays. Being able to see them at less stressful (and, yes, cheaper) times is a gift.

This!

The invitation should still be made but agree parents shouldn’t always say yes if non local, especially considering the in laws/other set of grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This!

My DH and I have already discussed this, when the eventuality occurs that our DC decide to make this separation, that we will be vacationing for the holidays. We will take a cruise or something. When we get back, or before we leave, we will make time to celebrate, if they want to.

I alternate holidays with my parents and in laws, but I do also talk to them regularly. You know why? They're nice people who make the time I spend traveling a pleasant experience.

So if your kids are shutting you out in Christmas, well, there were 365 other days to this year, let's look at how the relationship was on those days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

I hear you but I wonder how many people are actually making it up
I had that what was truly abuse in my case (dad sexually molesting me) and people probably think I'm being a precious angel

This. I don’t understand why it’s hard to understand that people aren’t sharing their abuse and traumas like they share their vacation photos. Usually, it’s none of your business.

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

I hear you but I wonder how many people are actually making it up
I had that what was truly abuse in my case (dad sexually molesting me) and people probably think I'm being a precious angel

NP. I doubt people think that, unless you are one of those people (doesn't seem like it) who feels the need to bring it up to everyone, and use it as an excuse/explanation for everything. That's when people start to wonder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

If I beat my elderly parents with a belt, that would be elder abuse and I could be charged and go to jail.

If I didn’t like what my elderly parents had to say and washed their mouth out with soap while making them watch in the mirror, that would be elder abuse and I could be charged and go to jail.

So yes, I was abused. I was subjected to violence. And if you think beating children with a belt and choking them with soap is OK, eff right off and I hope your family abandons you, one by one.

If you were born before '75 or so, this is not an unusual scenario. Of course it's not right and I don't see anyone on here advocating that. Plenty of that generation grew up that way, many of them without cutting off their parents. That doesn't tell the whole story.

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

I hear you but I wonder how many people are actually making it up
I had that what was truly abuse in my case (dad sexually molesting me) and people probably think I'm being a precious angel

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

You forgot trauma. Lots and lots of trauma.

Of course people were abused. But likely not the sheer number of people that use it as an excuse to do what's easy or convenient for them.