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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

Dp

That’s not an unreasonable timeline. 3 years would be finding and dating someone to determine whether they are capable of being a good father and husband.

I think 31 is definitely still in the cut and run range. If she is dating very intentionally, and looks for men slightly older, I think this could easily be under 3 years.

Anonymous wrote:My friend was married to a guy who told her he didn’t want kids. So she didn’t have any. Ffwd to 8 years in, he divorced her and had 2 kids with the new wife.

Oh hell no. Did your friend get to have kids with someone else?

Anonymous wrote:31? You're out of time. You're not likely to find someone else in the next 4 years.

Stupid. I met DH shortly before my 34th birthday. Kids at 37 and 40. They’re perfect little girls! My story is not rare at all.

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

Are you OPs husband?

Anonymous wrote:Break up. At your age and with no kids yet - you have time to meet someone new and start afresh. This would be a deal breaker to me no question. If you really want to be a parent, it's a desire and fulfillment that trumps all else.

This. Cut your losses. You are still young enough.

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

I know that in the current climate, this seems like the "worst" to you, but it's not. Not by a long shot

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Anonymous wrote:When you were dating though, was his stance “Sure kids will work?” That’s very different than “I’ve always wanted a family, I can’t wait to start one with you?”

Give me a freaking break. So now it’s on women to vet the degree to which a man’s yes to kids actually means yes? Look. If he doesn’t want kids, fine. But that’s on him to say so and prevent it via the many, many forms of birth control available. Not give a tepid yes that he doesn’t really mean to the kids question and then shrug and give this woman a choice between a marriage with no kids and divorce. That should seriously be a jailable offense.

Oh, PLEASE. 🙄

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

That's better than being with a liar and reluctant dad.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:This is news to me, as we talked about it 100x during our engagement and I couldn't have been clearer with my plans and he agreed.
Do I break up with him, accept a shitty father (basically he said he will have kids but isn't invested), or accept no family for the rest of my life?
I am 31, only married for eight months, and already devastated. Has anyone else been through this?

The climate emergency we are experiencing as a planet means your husban is right and you are wrong, OP. The world does not revolve around you, you know.

Yawn.

Anonymous wrote:Devil’s advocate: why not have a kid, since he is willing, and see how it goes?

He might do a 180 and fall in love when the kid is born. I did that (as a woman). I was ambivalent before and planned one mostly because due to social convention.

Or if he’s terrible, well at least you’ll get custody and some spousal support, which is better than doing it alone.

No. She’ll get 50/50, which is the default and which he’ll take so he can avoid paying high child support. He can always pass the kids off on his mom, sisters or his new girlfriend so he doesn’t have to be bothered.

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You are an idiot.

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

That's better than being with a liar and reluctant dad.

Op, I would null the marriage!
Legal reasons a judge can annul your marriage


If the other person lied to you or kept something from you in order to get you to marry them (and had you known the truth you would not have married them), you can ask for an annulment within 4 years of finding out about the fraud.

The fraud must be very serious and be about something that goes to the heart of your marriage. For example, marrying only to get a green card or hiding the fact you can't have children. And, you must show that if you had known the truth, you would not have gotten married.

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

OP, tell us more.

Did your DH say "I've changed my mind. I do not want children. But if you want to have one I will and I don't want to do much." Did he flip on you explicitly and say it directly?

Or is he just not feeling it and kind of like "Whatever, it's not a big deal to me. If you want to ok." Is he letting you down because he's not initiating discussions or doesn't want to talk about it or isn't excited? That's pretty typical.

Because if the first, that's rough.

If the second, that's a lot of men.