Anonymous wrote:The awful person in this situation is you, OP.

I think there's a pretty good chance the OP is a troll. She's basically making the arguement as the forced-birthers.

Don’t you think it’s better to adopt out a baby (1 yr is still very much a baby) to a family who wants it than to be an absolutely crap parent for 18 yr? The wife probably wanted the baby and husband went along with it. I think he did the right thing and you need to stop being so judgmental.

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

So if someone- mother or father- knows they're not likely to a good parent, you'd rather they keep their child to avoid social ostracization than find a better home for their child?

The awful person in this situation is you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

You could be right. He went on to have many broken relationships. Still, wasn't necessarily the best decision for the daughter.

Are you saying she'd have been better off with a father who doesn't want a child? At least the aunt was willing to take her in. I have to disagree with you, OP, but then, we only know what you've told us, and perhaps YOU don't know the whole story. This is all second, third or fourth hand, right?

No from him. He got the vasectomy so he wouldn't have a child he didn't want, and could fool around without worrying. True, better than abandoning more kids.

It sounds like he was making responsible decisions in the best interest of his child.

This. It’s not ideal but he didn’t keep the child and neglected it. A loving aunt took care of the kid.

Anonymous wrote:Op I used to work with a woman who placed her daughter for adoption at 8 months. She was a single mom and couldn't handle the responsibility. Nor did she want to.

I was shocked. However, mom had very little emotional attachment. The little girl was hopefully raised in a better situation.

8-month-olds are still practically potatoes. I wouldn't expect a strong emotional attachment yet.

The daughter dodged a bullet and he probably did what was best for the baby, given what you’ve described. It’s possible the vasectomy and failed relationships are the result of the traumatic experience he underwent. I could imagine not wanting the pain of more children, or not wanting children you’d keep after giving one away. Sounds so complicated.

I'm sure the aunt was able to love and care for the child, so that is good for the child. I would not want to be friends with a father who was able to do this, though.

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

+1

I actually think the OP story is more defensible than some (child adopted/raised by family- beginning in infancy).

I am more appalled by the men who abandon their “original” kids and go on to create a new family. Shocking that the new wife would even accept this. I don’t think I’d marry a man who would do that in the first place- why would you? DH and I have been married for a long time but if at some point a “surprise child” (maybe one he claims not to know about) had come around, I’d push him to meet his responsibilities. Not even a question. And is there no pushback from the extended family? Oooh boy my own DH’s parents/family would rip him a new one if he tried to pull something like a abandoning a kid (and would almost certainly gi directly to the mom and ask for a relationship with child and offer any assistance they could).

Op I used to work with a woman who placed her daughter for adoption at 8 months. She was a single mom and couldn't handle the responsibility. Nor did she want to.

I was shocked. However, mom had very little emotional attachment. The little girl was hopefully raised in a better situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife almost died during childbirth. Things looked bleak. I had about 24 hours to think about what I was going to do. I had pretty much made up my mind I wasn't going keep her, so much of that was debating whether I would simply leave them at the hospital for CPS or turn them over a family member. I wanted to the former to let her start life from a clean slate, preferably never learning about her traumatic birthday, but pretty much concluded I'd have to do the latter.

And while I was convinced, at the time at least, that was the right discusion, I also didn't expect I'd be able to live with myself. So I planned my suicide, too.

Obviously I don't know what I actually would have done if my wife didn't evenctually pull through, but I do know I would never judge whatever decision someone makes in that situation.

If I'm understanding correctly you had to make the decision between an unborn child and your wife's life.

This guy had his child for at least a year, by the time the adoption took place longer. Different situation. He didn't want the responsibility of taking care of his own child.

Then she was better off with someone who wanted her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

I never said it was a man issue. I worked with families, I have seen it all. Never someone whose spouse died and adopted out their toddler child shortly after.

You’re being misleading - the child is with family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

I didn't know you could adopt your child out after a year because you simply didn't want to take care of them. He didn't want to be a single dad.

You can adopt a child out for any reason at any time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

I didn't know you could adopt your child out after a year because you simply didn't want to take care of them. He didn't want to be a single dad.

You didn't know adoptions could take place at any age? Really? We can add "ignorant" to your list of flaws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

You could be right. He went on to have many broken relationships. Still, wasn't necessarily the best decision for the daughter.

Are you saying she'd have been better off with a father who doesn't want a child? At least the aunt was willing to take her in. I have to disagree with you, OP, but then, we only know what you've told us, and perhaps YOU don't know the whole story. This is all second, third or fourth hand, right?

No from him. He got the vasectomy so he wouldn't have a child he didn't want, and could fool around without worrying. True, better than abandoning more kids.

It sounds like he was making responsible decisions in the best interest of his child.