Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by how harsh all this commentary is. I have three kids—one in college and two in HS. For most of the lives (pre pandemic), I left at 8 and got home at 6:30-7. We had a series of a few nannies. My kids definitely know who their mom is! I spend every weekend with them, had dinner with them almost every night (usually home cooked) and put them to bed, reading books every night. I made their lunches, went to their school parties and at least one field trip a year, knew their friends and teachers, and went to all their doctors appointments (and most of their dental appointments). I did all the scouts campus and led my daughters’ Girl Scout troops. just took leave days or worked different hours to do the things that fell during normal work hours like teacher meetings or doctors appointments. I planned their birthday parties, decorated the house with them for holidays, baked cookies with them, etc, etc. my kids are all nice and well adjusted and do well in school.

OP said she’d be home by 7 every night and home all weekends—this doesn’t sound that unusual to me. (If she could push it to 6:30 that wiould be even better cause then you can have dinner on table by 7.)) Most kids want to hang out with their friends after school anyway, or have sports practice. The nanny was great for being able to host play dates, drive their to friends houses or to sports practices.

OP, if I were you, I would prioritize nightly dinner. Dinner at 7 is fine, with bedtime between 8 and 9. You said you work one day from home so that day is easy. Another night you can have a casserole that nanny puts in over for you. Another night have nanny put water on for pasta and you can sautee fish or meat and vegetables/sauce in 10 minutes while pasta cooks. Another night have takeout or prepared foods. Husband cooks two other nights.

If you don’t want the job, that’s fine. But people acting like this is child abused are ridiculous. Throughout the course of human history mothers have engaged in all sorts of labor. And most of them have done it with many fewer conveniences and resources than you have. Most didn’t even have a microwave, never mind take out food and husbands that can cook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know families like this. The kids love their nannies and sometimes call them "mom".

This is odd. My mom worked a lot when we were growing up. We never thought a nanny was our mom. We knew who our mom was. Even little kids know the difference between a parent and a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:I would never work like that, especially not with kids. My career means a lot to me, and I’m good at what I do, but regularly working over 45 hours a week is a complete dealbreaker for me. You can make a meaningful professional contribution without working those kinds of hours.

Anonymous wrote:I know families like this. The kids love their nannies and sometimes call them "mom".