Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

Kid sounds very spoiled. Five years of college, Europe in summers, new car. You both created this.

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, what is a fair amount for him to contribute to housing and kids' expenses? Is it 50/50? Hold firm on whatever amount is fair. When he asks you to pay his "fair share" of the bills, the answer is NFW. Period. Do not vacillate. Tell him you're broke, too, and you don't have any liquidity to cover his share. Contributing to your 401k and your kids' 529 plans is a good way to make yourself broke.

I went through a version of this in my marriage, but the facts are slightly different. When we first married, he wanted me to stop contributing to my 401k to have more money for his older kids for non-essential expenses. My response was a very, very hard no. I was ready to walk away because I was so upset that he even suggested I stop saving for retirement.

When we had kids together, he didn't want me to save any portion of my income to their 529 plans. Again, it was an older kid issue related to non-essential expenses (meaning it was not coming from their college tuition - more like spring break trips, cars, phone bills, summer backpacking trips, and new skis). Over the years, my income had gone up, and I could afford to save in my 401k and their 529 plans and cover my share of our family's shared expenses. The answer was, once again, NFW, and I found myself again considering divorce over it. In our case, I make a good income, but not enough to cash flow to their college someday. He makes an even higher income, but he'll likely want to retire when our shared children are in college. I plan to retire whenever he retires. All these facts lead to why I would not budge on funding our kids' 529 plans. I did the math, and if we got divorced, he would have to pay me a hefty amount of child support, so there was no version of married or divorced life where I couldn't afford to fund their 529 plans. This became a firm boundary. It's still a touchy subject, but I feel strongly about my position. I've compromised on many other blended family matters in our marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is covering the mortgage and property taxes on your house it sounds like he is covering at least 50% of your joint expenses so your OP was very misleading.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

You wrote that DH doesn't contribute to your children's expenses, but he's paying the mortgage for the home they live in, plus utilities, car insurance, and taxes?

If your family has enough money to pay for luxuries like a vacation property, landscaping, and activities for little kids, then also paying for college for each of the kids is more than reasonable.

She called it an investment property.

Activities for kids are way cheaper than college tuition. Not even comparable. '

Landscaping is probably because her husband is a bum and she works full time.

I don't see why she should have to give up her vacation so her precious 22 year old step kid doesn't have to have a part time job.

So glad I don't have a blended family. If I get divorced or widowed, I would think long and hard before I married somebody with kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

You wrote that DH doesn't contribute to your children's expenses, but he's paying the mortgage for the home they live in, plus utilities, car insurance, and taxes?

If your family has enough money to pay for luxuries like a vacation property, landscaping, and activities for little kids, then also paying for college for each of the kids is more than reasonable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.

OP here—oldest child was born in after school cut off (oldest in class). Currently in a five-year program for accounting (did switch majors/double major). Work over the summer was minimal, as child went to Europe for 5 weeks (self-financed). DH pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance, and all tax bills. I pay mortgage/taxes on an investment property, all medical for everyone except for co-pays for eldest child, dental, vacations, car payments for our own two cars (paid off this earlier this year), all groceries, landscaping maintenance fees, and all of my kid’s expenses like activities, medical to include co-pays, clothes, 529 plans and whatever else is needed. I contribute to my own 401k. I also clean, meal prep, and do all the laundry for me and my kids. DH does his own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

Nobody is claiming that the stepmom is legally responsible for stepD. (though try telling that to some colleges.) However, her H is responsible --possibly legally and DEFINITELY morally--to his D. Wife number 2 has NO legal right to determine how much her H pays to support his child vs. their shared children unless she divorces him or legally separates from him in which case a judge will determine how much he has to pay to support her and their kids.

Moreover, when their alleged deal re splitting expenses was entered into, his D was living with him and thus the amount he was willing to pay was probably based in part on how much it cost to feed and house etc. her. Now that she is not living with them, it is entirely reasonable to expect some part of what stepD cost while living with them to be transferred to her expenses living elsewhere and/or for the percentage of their mutual expenses he pays to be reduced. IOW, his share was set with the understanding that he was bringing 2 people into the shared household--himself and his D--while OP was only bringing herself. A readjustment of his share downward may well be warranted.

The support award set by a judge for her and their mutual children could well be less than the amount he has agreed to pay under their allegedly mutually agreed deal--which is highly unlikely to be legally binding. There is a possibility that if they divorced a court would order him to pay less than he is currently paying. We can't tell in part because OP has been very coy as to what that deal is

Whether he is responsible for funding his older D is partly a legal question and partly a moral one.
If he is LEGALLY responsible for paying for his older child X, that obligation supersedes his obligation to his second wife and their children. She knew he had a child when she married him. If he doesn't earn enough to support two families, that's on her for creating a second family with him.If there is a court order or a divorce agreement that says he has to pay certain expenses, he has to pay them. His second wife can't just unilaterally decide his daughter has to work more hours so her dad can pay less to her and more for her and their kids.

Whether or not he is legally obligated to support his 22 year old daughter, he may well be morally obligated. If for example, they discussed how much he would pay towards her support while she was considering colleges and she chose a college based on his promise to pay X amount, then in my opinion, he has a moral obligation to keep his word.

It is NOT a stepmother's right--nor ours--to determine whether or not the 22 year old needs a car or what kind of car she can buy. She may need a car to get to work and/or school. She may have worked hard all summer to pay her share of tuition--by her share I mean what her dad won't pay. It may not have been possible to earn enough to pay for a car AND pay her "share" of tuition.

He is the older girl's father. Her mother is mentally ill and cannot contribute. Wife number 2 is trying to force her H to choose funding her and their mutual children rather than his older daughter. It doesn't sound as if he's being madly generous and spending lavishly on this girl. He's not even paying her full tuition. She does work some during the school year and is covering her lodging and utilities. (For all we know, he cosigned the loan to buy the car in which case he is going to be held legally responsible for paying for it if she can't.)

If OP chooses to divorce H, here's hoping the amount of support she gets is less than he's paying now and that she lives in a state in which her then exH will have no legal obligation to pay anything to the cost of college. Maybe she'll be really lucky and he'll acquire a new girlfriend who will oppose him paying any amount toward the education of their mutual offspring voluntarily.

When you are married all income is shared. It is up to both adults to de use. They cannot afford this and that is the issue. Kid is an adult and needs to get a job or she does not need luxuries like a car.

OP doesn't say they can't afford it, she's just mad about him paying for it, causing her to use more of her salary. All income is shared, and expenses are shared. The my money and his money usually causes problems unless there is little shared debt.

The one-pot system is unusual in blended families, especially those that span multiple generations of kids, as the OP describes. Blended families have all kinds of complications, like child support, alimony, court-ordered shared expenses with an ex-spouse, elective gifts to adult children and then grandchildren, life insurance obligations to the first kids, and estate planning. The complications will never end. The risk of divorce in blended families is significantly higher, and to ignore that is just dumb. The risk of an estate battle if her spouse dies is also considerably higher. Blended families most often have a three-pot system out of necessity. OP needs a separate pot of money for herself and her young children.

Except none of that applies in OPs case, she just prefers to be a bean counter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

Anonymous wrote:Is the stepchild carrying a full courseload? Obviously they are supposed to be studying and writing papers in addition to in-class time. If they are a part-time student that's different.

It's all too common for second wives to not understand what expenses are age-appropriate for older teens and young adults. Housing etc really is horribly expensive. Be sure your perceptions are accurate. It's not realistic to expect the child to earn enough for living expenses while also carrying a full courseload, especially if they are in an expensive area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an aside, why does this child have TWO a more years of college? Change majors 3 times or got a late start?

I question this as well. Is DH is expected to pay for his daughter for 2 more years? We're talking about significant nonessential (car, etc.) support for an ADULT vs. contributing to the basic living expenses of young minor children.


Let's be clear - 22 years old is not a "child" anymore. Plenty of young adults figure out how to fund their education without any help at all from parents, let alone being furnished a car with insurance, etc.

Maybe the daughter can learn from some of her contemporaries. Like, work a full time job to support her own living expenses and go to school part time. (Many companies offer tuition reimbursement.)

They may have been red shirted. Telling her to move home, work full time, drop out school and find a local school, is a good way to shatter a family. Saying companies offer tuition remnimbursement tells me that you've never worked one of those jobs. Like most benefits in retail, the hoops you have to jump through make the benefit almost non-existant.

Red shirting, agreed-upon gap year, change of major. At some state schools, it's hard to get into the classes you are required to take for your major, so it can take longer to graduate. Maddening but it happens.