I think one has to be “ready” for talks with a therapist. Here is my story: I shopped around for couple therapy bc I didn’t like what they were telling me. Went to three total.

The first guy told me “your marriage is dead. When are you moving out?.” I was appauled. The truth years later?: I WISH I would have listened to him! I wasn’t ready to accept itS Instead I went to two other couples therapists with my (now-ex) spouse.

Facepalm. Should have listened to the gay couple’s therapist in Dupont Circle who gave it to me straight. Instead, I tried to work on my marriage. Husband has zero interest in that! He is super happy with the other lady — and I have long moved on!

So there is something to be said about your own disposition and receptiveness.

Unpopular opinion:
For most people, therapy just exacerbates the problem, increases depression. and makes “the problem” the focal point of your long-suffering life.

We are a privileged lot.

Help others and focus less inward. Disease of self is its own religion with no path to salvation.

I haven’t read all 7 pages but it should be absolutely fine to tell your wife that you appreciate her perspective but you’re happy with things and aren’t interested in therapy.

There are people who enjoy therapy and feel it helps them improve themselves. They don’t have any serious psychological problems but still feel they get things out of therapy. These types can be pushy that everyone should do therapy. It’s no different than someone going gluten, sugar, dairy free and feeling better. They often think everyone else should give up those things too!

As a parent with a kid who has serious psychiatric needs, it does really piss me off that so many therapists cater to the easy worried well or just improve myself like I’m going to a personal trainer types. I was quite surprised when trying to find a psychologist for her. Many were taking patients, happy when they though the 50 year old woman might be their easy patient and then suddenly when they learned it would be my 18 year old anxiety, adhd, depressed kid were no longer taking patients. It’s way easier to take the money of the worried well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

I think that there is an important difference between a spouse saying “I think that therapy would help you” and them saying something like “I want/need you to go to therapy”.

To me, the former is: they think that you may be distressed or less happy or at peace etc than you could be. They love you, they don’t want you to suffer or still be caught up (perhaps at a subconscious level) with issues that stem from childhood experiences or family of origin baggage. If I understand you OP, you are both doubting that you have that kind of baggage, AND rejecting the suggestion that therapy could be helpful to you in any way.

I feel like you get to make that call, and it sounds like you have found other methods of self exploration and improvement, which is great. But I would still suggest that you consider remaining open to the possibility that you might be protesting too much that therapy seem useless…. I have known a few people with this perspective who really clung to it out of something like deep fear of the vulnerability that is required in truly good therapy. They were able to point to unskillful therapists or their own “superior” methods as evidence that they were right about therapy. But it all stemmed from a kind of defense mechanism. I invite you to consider whether that might be going on with you, even a little bit.

The latter possibility that I mentioned above is that a spouse is saying: some aspect of your behavior, mood, reactions, ability to really be a good partner- it is not good for me and/or our family. I need/want you to hear and acknowledge that, AND I need you to commit to work on changing it. And therapists are people who are professionally trained to help people work on those changes. (If medication could be part of the solution, they are trained to identify that and to refer you to a prescriber.) I recommend that you get a crystal clear answer from your wife if something like this is at least partly behind her suggestions of therapy. If so, it really is on you to be open to the possibility that what you are doing has not been (fully) working, and that you just might need to find some help to make things better. Therapist, body worker, trauma expert, brain-based or somatic practitioner… there are a LOT of approaches to helping people who had messed up parents resolve or improve their issues.

Be gentle and kind to yourself, but also don’t let yourself off the hook too easily, and maybe don’t be so insistent that you know what you need and what will work for you.

There are ton of bad therapists out there. Ask a therapist- they will tell you this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, if you're truly not a drinker, abuser, yeller, hitter and you're an active and present husband and father, then I think (not knowing you or your situation) that you're fine w/o therapy. I think therapy makes most people worse. There's a small subset of people who come out better, but overall, all that navel gazing makes everyone around you miserable.

I agree. And it ruins marriages a lot of the time.

A think couples therapy was NOT a helpful & counter productive in my case. For what it’s worth.

OP needs control. He controls the apps, the meditation, etc. He can’t control a skilled therapist

On some level he knows there might be something to be gained from therapy…otherwise he wouldn’t be this engaged in a thread like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Team OP. He’s a much more thoughtful than average DCUM poster. I agree with the posters who have pointed out that some people are huge therapy fans because it fulfills a particular need for them. That’s fine, but it doesn’t mean it’s for everyone, and it’s not particularly easy to find a great therapist.

My DH sometimes acts snappish to ragey over the everyday frustrations of life. He also, relatedly, often has trouble sleeping at night. I suggested therapy to him a couple of times when I was frustrated by his quick trigger. His response was that he knew exactly what his problem is—burnout from a highly stressful job. Sounds right given that he’s an entirely more relaxed person on vacation and/or when the Celtics win an NBA title. I told him he should at least try yoga and sports massages, and both have made a significant positive difference. I’ve never tried meditation, but that sounds promising too.

OP here, I love meditating. It's not always easy, and for awhile it didn't really change anything, it was just a nice break. But I've found more recently that I can apply some of the techniques and mantras when I am starting to get stressed about something like the kids being obnoxious. The 10% Happier app is my favorite, it has a very laid back and approachable vibe. And it has some core "courses" which I find extremely helpful. It's not super crunchy—it was founded by a former ABC reporter Dan Harris who had a panic attack on air and just found himself burnt out and struggling to maintain... it's very much built on the idea that it's okay to fail at it, you're not perfect at maintaining, but it's about continuing to begin agian. And making yourself 10 percent happier, or 10 percent less of an a-hole.

It just makes a lot of sense ot me in a way that therapy doesn't. But it's not comprehensive, and it only works as well as you use it.

Thanks. I’ll check it out. My college-aged son is studying psychology, and if he makes the recommendation, I think DH may be willing to try it.

You can attribute to your therapist the latest nugget from DC Urban mom. You do know that therapists are barely trained right? I really don’t see this as morally incorrect .

Start changing your behavior in small but noticeable ways. Improve here and there

Occasionally say, my new therapist suggested that I (whatever self help thing you are working on).

Smile a bit. You don’t have to make up much.

Everyone will be happy. You will secretly have more time to yourself! You may actually have to do the work, but it’s not a bad strat if you can enact it. You can eventually let your phantasy therapist go.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it sounds like you are using therapy anyways with the app. It's just a different type of therapy. You are trying to make a broad stroke that therapy isn't for you, but, apparently it is!

I was thinking this same thing before I read this paragraph. You seem pretty good at expressing yourself OP. I didn’t like therapy, until I did. I later dropped it. Do want you want. I would probably lie to my spouse if she was hitting that so hard. I would say I was going and then go to the gym instead. I think that is a white lie. She’ll wonder how you got so tones but whatever

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If all this happened 18 mons ago, why are you/she bringing it up now? Clearly it's still an issue, and hasnt resolved just because your kids can put on their shoes.

Because I was reading DCUM and people were talking about therapy so I thought about it?

So your wife no longer thinks you need to seek therapy or she does? What is the point of this

OP here again, you've really just increased my curiosity and bewilderment—this insistence that a lack of interest in therapy must equate to a willful denial of any problem or desire to improve one's self, when it's totally the opposite. I identify and claim my shortcomings and think A LOT about how to improve them. I just can't see how therapy fits in that picture.

I think a therapist makes sense for people who struggle to articulate what bothers them or who are having trouble communicating with a partner or is a child who lacks the vocabulary to discuss how they feel. But I've got a whole list of things I'm trying to better about myself and sometimes I even manage to do it!

Did I say that? I'm just wondering why you made this post that specifically says "my wife thinks I need to see a therapist" but then all your examples are from 2 years ago. So if she's bringing it up, the issues haven't resolved. If she isn't bringing it up, this post seems pointless. You sounded open to therapy in your OP, but now it seems like you just want to sh!t on it and anyone who thinks its helpful. You wont even do a simple google search when people discuss various tools and methods. So it's pretty clear you'd rather stick your head in the sand. But maybe all your issues are solved now that your children can put their shoes on and you no longer need to yell at them about it.

I mean, it sounds like you are using therapy anyways with the app. It's just a different type of therapy. You are trying to make a broad stroke that therapy isn't for you, but, apparently it is!

Therapy does not have to be rehashing your relationship with your dad. It can be discussing what is not working in your current family relationships and trying new patterns of thinking and behavior.

You clearly don’t want to try this avenue. If what’s going on isn’t a problem (and that seems to be your take), then you can close this post and move on.