Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry? If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost? I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

I don't get it. I have 3rd cousins who I have never met in my life that do the same and I just throw the invite in the trash. My family would never invite them to a wedding in our family, mainly because they are the equivalent of a complete stranger.

Sorry, blatant money grabs shouldn't get rewarded with actual money.

Anonymous wrote:I would say $150-200 per couple regardless of 1 vs 2 attendees.

Same here. We used to “cover the plate “ but the plates are sky high these days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Mostly we don't try to find out what the cost per plate is based on venue, we take an "equivalent night out" approach. So if a night of dinner, dancing, drinks and live music would cost us roughly $400 as a date, that's the baseline for the gift as a couple.

Obviously more can be added if it's close family or we're in the wedding or something, but I find that with the cost of going out for a nice meal, thinking of the night as a date replacement gets you to a pretty good number already and you can let go of the resentment because someone over the age of 25 is getting a present or whatever current notion is getting people upset about wedding gifts.

I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

You obviously weren’t dead broke if you threw a wedding at $90/head. You could have had a ceremony at the JOP and then a backyard party if you were truly dead broke.

I am more than happy to never be invited to another event by a couple that views every life event through dollars and cents. I would just have wished it started with not getting invited to the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe all these people who think the guests should pay for the wedding. This is the type of thing that gives Yankees a bad name in the south.

I'm a Boston Yankee and agree.

On the other hand, no one has punch, mints, and cake in the north and calls it a wedding reception.

Plus most parents paid for the wedding so does the bride and groom reimburse them?

I know this isn’t Asia, but it is pretty common there that all gifts go to the parents who fund the wedding. Literally, you write the check out to the dad. Ive seen this extend to weddings in the states where the bride and groom may gift it back to their parents, or the parents just let the kids keep it (more common) and its their wedding gift.

I know it’s cultural, but the “cover your plate” thing sucks also because do you then have to be conscious of your guests’ budgets when you plan the wedding? Like we were able to throw a pretty fun and awesome party, but I would never have wanted people to give us the cost of their “plate,” which was honestly outrageously high. The wedding was hopefully sort of a gift to everyone, from us. Or we at least tried to have it be a good time.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing riles me up more than thinking you are owed gifts because you invited someone to celebrate your personal life choices and chose to throw yourselves a party.

Luckily as I'm now out of my 20s, most of my close friends request no gifts. I did the same. I don't feel the need to buy a couple that makes a combined $400k+ and where I'm spending a few thousand dollars to fly across the country to celebrate you a toaster or wine glasses.

I'm just thrilled that people could join us. I certainly didn't expect them to buy me something I could well afford myself. The presence of friends and family truly was the gift to me.

Gifts are for young people just starting out. Over 30 should not be asking for gifts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe all these people who think the guests should pay for the wedding. This is the type of thing that gives Yankees a bad name in the south.

I'm a Boston Yankee and agree.

On the other hand, no one has punch, mints, and cake in the north and calls it a wedding reception.

Plus most parents paid for the wedding so does the bride and groom reimburse them?

Anonymous wrote:Nothing riles me up more than thinking you are owed gifts because you invited someone to celebrate your personal life choices and chose to throw yourselves a party.

Luckily as I'm now out of my 20s, most of my close friends request no gifts. I did the same. I don't feel the need to buy a couple that makes a combined $400k+ and where I'm spending a few thousand dollars to fly across the country to celebrate you a toaster or wine glasses.

I'm just thrilled that people could join us. I certainly didn't expect them to buy me something I could well afford myself. The presence of friends and family truly was the gift to me.

What about if its a local wedding? Do you still refuse to gift then out of principle?

*or a fundraiser?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Nothing riles me up more than thinking you are owed gifts because you invited someone to celebrate your personal life choices and chose to throw yourselves a party.

Luckily as I'm now out of my 20s, most of my close friends request no gifts. I did the same. I don't feel the need to buy a couple that makes a combined $400k+ and where I'm spending a few thousand dollars to fly across the country to celebrate you a toaster or wine glasses.

I'm just thrilled that people could join us. I certainly didn't expect them to buy me something I could well afford myself. The presence of friends and family truly was the gift to me.